Week One

First, I start off with a confession...

I've gained so much weight that my current scale won't even acknowledge my weight.  So, I'll keep stepping on it every damn day until a number shows up instead of that elusive "E" for "Error".  I would guess that my weight is anywhere between 355 and 360, though.  I honestly never thought I'd be this heavy.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling very in control and very positive.  Days One through Five went off without a hitch. The weekend is where I hit some slight snafus, but all is well again.

This week's plan is based very heavily on the first week plan found here at the Can You Stay For Dinner blog.  I made a few adjustments.  Instead of counting calories, I'm counting Weight Watchers Points Plus. At my current estimated weight, I get 53 Points Plus each day.  Also, Andi's mom, Mary Ellen started out at 210 pounds.  I'm starting out at over 350 pounds, so my body requires more calories.  I'm adding in a few healthy snacks to make up the difference.  I thought I would be very uncomfortable straying from this plan at all, but I'm not.  I'm already seeing that this is going to happen and I feel confident that I can make good choices.  However, for the first several weeks, anyway, I want to stick as closely to it as possible.

There are several meals that  Mary Ellen ate out at restaurants, so I'm substituting other recipes and things for those meals.

Here's what I ate my first week:

Monday

Breakfast

2 cups Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Cereal
1 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee

Snack

1 box (1 oz.) raisins
1/4 cup mixed nuts

Lunch

Chicken, Cranberry, Feta Salad
3 tbsp Great Value Light Honey Dijon Dressing
Fage Greek Yogurt with Honey

Snack

1 cup grapes
1 cup baby carrots
1/4 garlic hummus

Dinner

4 oz. marinaded pork tenderloin - marinade recipe here
6 oz sweet potato
1 tbsp Earth Balance margarine
1 cup green beans - steamed with lemon juice, garlic, 1 tbsp sliced almonds

POINTS PLUS TOTAL 55

Tuesday

Breakfast

1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee

Snack

1 oz raisins
1/4 cup mixed nuts

Lunch

Tuna Salad
2 cups fresh spinach
1 cup grapes

Snack

1 Sargento Cheddar Cheese Stick

Dinner

Stir-Fry using 6 oz leftover pork tenderloin

Snack

Skinny Cow Cookies & Cream Ice Cream Sandwich

POINTS PLUS TOTAL 44

Wednesday

Breakfast

1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee

Snack

1 cup grapes
1 Sargento Cheddar Cheese Stick

Lunch

3 cups salad greens
1 oz feta cheese
3 oz turkey lunch meat
3 tbsp Great Value Light Honey Dijon Dressing
1 container Fage Total 0% Greek Yogurt with Strawberry

Snack

1/4 cup mixed nuts

Dinner

Turkey Avocado Bacon Wrap

Snack

Skinny Cow Cookies & Cream Ice Cream Sandwich
Pop Chips

POINTS PLUS TOTAL 53

Thursday (HALLOWEEN!)

Breakfast

1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee

Snack

Peanut Butter & Dark Chocolate KIND Bar

Lunch - Halloween Luncheon at Work

2 cups Chicken Tortilla Soup
About 10 tortilla chips
1/4 cup shredded cheese
1 fancy Nutterbutter

Dinner

2 servings Crockpot Cheese Tortellini Soup (I adapted this slightly, adding some celery for more veg and using low fat cream cheese, instead of whole fat.  I also used fresh carrot slices instead of frozen.)

Snack

1 regular-sized (as opposed to King Size) pack of Peanut M&Ms

POINTS PLUS TOTAL 61

Friday

Breakfast

1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee

Snack

1 Fuji Apple
2 tbsp Earth Balance Creamy Peanut Butter

Lunch

Fage Yogurt with Honey
3 cups salad greens
3 oz ham luncheon meat
1/8 cup Craisins
1 oz feta
3 tbsp Great Value Light Honey Dijon Dressing

Snack

1/4 cup mixed nuts

Dinner

Jason's Deli - Chicken Salad Wrap and steamed veggies

Snack

Deep Chocolate Vita Top

POINTS PLUS TOTAL 50

Saturday

Breakfast

1 Ezekiel Cinnamon Raisin English Muffin
1 tbsp. Whole Foods Strawberry Fruit Spread
1 tbsp Earth Balance Buttery Spread
1 egg scrambled in 1 tsp butter (couldn't eat the whole thing.  I truly hate eggs.  Especially eggs that are cooked poorly and as I am an egg hater, I don't really know how to cook eggs properly!)
1 cup coffee
1/3 cup Coffeemate Hazelnut creamer (all we had at my gf's)

Lunch

1/2 medium thin crust pizza loaded with veggies
about 10 Parmesan bread bites

Dinner

Didn't happen....

Snack

Deep Chocolate Vita Top

POINTS PLUS TOTAL 72

Sunday

Breakfast

1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee

Snack

Dark Chocolate Chili KIND Bar
1 Blow Pop

Lunch - Family Birthday Party @ my Grandparents' House

Chicken with Rice Casserole
Tomato Casserole
Green Bean Casserole
***My family CLEARLY loves a good casserole
Green salad with dressing
1 roll with 1/2 tbsp margarine
1 slice chocolate mousse cake
1 small Blue Bell Ice Cream cup

Dinner

leftover Chicken Alfredo from Pizza Hut

Snack

Vita Top Banana Nut Muffin
Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks - a grande, I think...my sister ordered it for me.  I'd requested a tall, but she admittedly messed up on ordering, not being the coffee drinker that I am.

----------------------------------

Something AWESOME I did this week:  I received a package of peanut M&Ms at work when I was BOOed by a co-worker on Tuesday.  I saved them for Thursday night for my already planned Halloween treat!

Something I would do differently in the future:   Controlled my portion considerably better at the family birthday party on Sunday.  Possibly even measuring them out.  I attacked that food with wild abandon and didn't like that out of control feeling.  And what's worse is that I let it continue to spiral out of control more than I like as the evening went on.

My official weigh-in day is Friday, so I will post my results then.  Meanwhile, after a rocky start on Monday, this week has picked back up!  I'll be back next week with what I ate this week.

Thanks for reading!

Tomorrow's the Day...

So after several weeks of planning and all day shopping today (and spending an exorbitant amount of money), tomorrow I'm starting my new "diet".  I hate the word diet, but honestly I can't think of a better word for it.

I have tomorrow night's dinner marinating and have my lunch packed up for tomorrow and every morsel I intend to eat is already tracked in my Weight Watchers' tracker.

I have been so looking forward to this and now I find myself feeling a bit indifferent.  Probably from the stress of the day.  Probably a little also from nerves and the question of "will I fail yet again?" running through my head.

I don't think I have a choice but to succeed this time...

Well!

So, I disappeared for a couple of months....

When last we spoke, I was having some crazy ass sciatica issues.  Well, in the midst of all that, I met someone and started a new relationship and also started back to work teaching my little third graders.  The week I went back to work was the worst with the pain.  My sister and my new girlfriend conspired against me as I was at Meet the Teacher Night (in tears, mind you, because I couldn't pick anything up in my room, my room was a mess, and I was about to be bombarded by 37 sets of parents and their children, not to mention the fact I hadn't slept properly in a month and was in searing pain.) and talked me into going to the ER.  My co-workers also saw the state I was in and strongly encouraged the move as well.  So, fortunately, I did go to the ER, had a great ER doctor, and got some much needed steroids would seriously helped me.  I haven't had the same level of pain since (this was almost 2 months ago now) and feel almost human again at this point.

I later went to my GP and she recommended talking to a surgeon, which I flat out refused because of all the horror stories I've heard relating to back surgery for sciatica.  She got a little miffy with me, but we talked about pain management which I was all for at the time, but I haven't followed up on that, because my pain level just isn't high enough for it to make it worthwhile to me at the moment.  Today, for instance, I'm going on Day 3 of not taking any kind of pain medication or anti-inflammatory medication.  My pain level is maybe at a 2 or 3 at the worst, but it generally stays around a 1 or 2 and is even at 0 lately.  Which is fantastic, of course!

So anyway...I bore you with my old lady pain stories to tell you this...I have gained probably 20 pounds and weigh more than ever.  I just haven't cared.  I haven't exercised and I've eaten whatever the hell I want.  I'm ready to get back to healthy eating and for the past few weeks have been planning (I have to wait for payday to fully implement, which will occur on Saturday).  Andi over at Can You Stay For Dinner has been posting weekly updates for the past several months about putting her mom on a diet.  I have to say I find it incredibly inspiring and have started a little notebook with the meals she's been eating and have already made a grocery list for my first week.  Everything looks pretty straightforward, simple, and definitely tasty.  So, I'm going to be following what her mom's been eating pretty closely and I'm really excited.

I also recently started wearing my Weight Watchers Activlink monitor again and my lofty goal is to hit 1 activity point a day.  After over 2 months of pretty much sitting all the time, I think this is pretty reasonable.  I intend to start incorporating 5 minutes of scheduled movement into my days.  I've noticed the more I walk, the more my leg starts to bother me.  I learned from my GP visit that I've probably herniated another disc higher in my back because I do have some weakness in my left leg.  During the worst of the sciatica, I had a burning sensation in my hip when I would walk any length of time, probably from overcompensation.  So, I do need to be careful and ease my way back into activity.

I'm considering rejoining Weight Watchers meetings with my new plan, but I think I may just do the online for the time being.  I fully intend to track my points because when I do and I stick with it, I get great results.  Also, the plan on Andi's blog is geared toward a woman who weighs significantly less than me, so I'll be incorporating some additional healthy points into my days to bring the total up where it needs to be for my current weight.

I'm super looking forward to this.  I need to get the fridge cleaned out this week before heading to the store.

Thanks for stopping by!

Chronic Pain

Those of us who deal with chronic pain in any of its forms know that chronic pain is a bitch.

I think I've mentioned here before that about 4 years ago, I injured my back.  It wasn't anything big or dramatic that caused it either.  I'm sure it was a bunch of small things and not lifting things properly for years, but it all went to hell when I lifted a carton of water to move it from one car to another.  I instantly felt really bad pain and had a hard time sitting.  I'd wake up in the morning screaming from the pain, while I tried to sit on the edge of my bed and stand up.  It gradually subsided over the next few weeks, but returned in the form on really bad leg pain about a month later.

The irony of all this was that I had over the previous 4 years lost almost 100 pounds.  I was working out -walking and running and doing some strength training - almost everyday.

I finally, FINALLY took myself to the doctor, had xrays, and an MRI to confirm what I already knew - this was sciatica.  And it was caused by two herniated discs in my lower back, though I couldn't tell you now specifically which ones.  Dealing with this condition was very nearly hell.  Somedays I would have some relief and others were just agony.  I started physical therapy where my PT did all sorts of crazy things to try and help bring me relief - traction, electrotherapy, stretches.  And during this time, I was in so much pain that I just gave up.  The weight I'd worked so hard to lose came back on - 50 pounds of it.

After about a year, the pain subsided pretty much completely with just an occassional twinge.  I wondered sometimes if the pain really had gone away or if I had just gotten so used to it I no longer noticed it.

I can tell you now that it really had gone away, because I seem to have re-injured myself or injured myself all over again in a new way, because the pain I'm experiencing this past week and a half is UNBEARABLE.

I do not sleep at night for more than an hour and fifteen minutes at a time.  If I lie on my right side, which is the side not affected by sciatica, when it's time to wake up/sit up/go to the bathroom/whatever, sitting up and standing up is akin to something I have no words to describe.  It's the most horrible, excrutiating, screaming pain I've ever experienced.  I hobble across the house to the bathroom like I am 150 years old, taking little shuffling, scooting steps, gasping for breath through the pain.

The good news is it does get gradually better over the course of the night.  I still only sleep for about an hour at time, but I've noticed the past 2 or 3 nights I've started having dreams again, which is a good sign I'm getting deeper rest.  Whenever I do wake up, 99% of the time, I pull myself out of bed to go to the bathroom.  I think this has to do with stress.  I think the stress of the pain at night makes my body have to pee.  lol  TMI, perhaps?

The past couple of nights, I've started keeping a written record of my sleep.  I'll record the time I woke up and the approximate time I last fell asleep.  I'll record my pain level and which side I sleep on (sleeping on my left is virtually impossible - I can't fall asleep that way because of the weight on my sciatic leg).  And I have been averaging just over an hour of sleep at a time, usually going back to sleep within 15-20 minutes.  Not very restful at all.

I bought a body pillow last week and have been using that between my knees instead of a standard pillow - doesn't seem to help much.  I take Ibuprofen at such levels that my liver is sure to go into failure by the time I'm 40.  I also invested in a sleep aid called Legatrin, which is a combination of Acetaminophen and some sort of sleep substance.  It's advertised as helping leg and lower back pain.  It lies.  But it does make me drowsy.  I've also taken some naproxen here and there.  Nothing much seems to help.

I ice my back and heating pad my butt and leg frequently.  I even tried putting icy hot all over my leg last night just to see what would happen.  It burned my flesh so good that it did kinda make me forget about the sciatica for a short while.

I've also resorted to a trick a coworker told me about when I had my first bout of sciatica four years ago.  When sitting in a chair, sit with a book under your sciatica side.  And oddly, I feel like that's what cured me the first time.  And it really does bring some relief, I think because of how it angles your spine to where you are compressing those herniated discs back into place and away from your sciatic nerve.  It doesn't always work and you have to give it a good 10-20 minutes before feeling any relief some of the times when it does work.

I say ALLLLLLLL that to say this - I have zero doubt that losing weight would alleviate a lot of my pain.  I feel so completely paralyzed and helpless when I am in this state.  I have not been eating well and as my mom told me she thought I was doing all those years ago, I've been eating my pain to some extent.  What will happen if I continue to do so is that I will way 400 pounds in the blink of an eye and things will just get worse and worse.

So, I'm trying very hard to make good choices.  I'm going to try my damndest to gently workout along with Leslie Sansonne today and tomorrow I'm calling the doctor and making an appointment for ASAP.  I'm just very concerned about having to have another MRI, because I'm doubting my ability to be able to get up off the bed of that thing after lying there on my back for half an hour.

That's my rant for today.

The Lure of the Cookie

I love chocolate chip cookies.  If I could eat only one food for the rest of my life, that would probably be it.  I mean...really.  I really, really love them.  Maybe someday human-cookie marriage will be legalized and I'll be at the front of that line - a homemade chocolate chip cookie in hand, it's chocolate chips melting into the warmth of my palm.

Okay, perhaps that's taking it a bit too far....

So last night, after having planned my whole day (and having thrown in a couple of snacks too, that I did track, thank you very much), I decided I NEEDED...needed...a Diet Coke from McDonalds.  Off I went to collect it, thinking to myself that some McDonald's chocolate chip cookies sounded MIGHTY tasty and that all my hard work for the day be damned, that's what I was going to eat.

Well to make a long, semi-complicated story short - I did not get the cookies.  I talked myself off that ledge and finished strong yesterday.  I stayed under my points with 2 to spare.  I sat down and planned today out just like I did the night before and I went to bed.

It's just good to know that I have that strength deep down inside...that the will to do this is still pretty damn strong.

Just have to take it all as it comes, one day at a time.

Hitting a Wall

Heather from the Half Size Me podcast accompanied me via my headphones on my walk today.  She just doesn't know it.  I started listening to Episode 28 and she talks about hitting a wall, whether it be a certain number of pounds lost or an amount of time or whatever it is that stops you dead in your tracks during your weight loss journey.

I realized that I've been doing this for several weeks.  I have not been perfect and still have a hell of a long way to go.  However, the past few years have had so many ups and downs in regards to my weight.  Usually it takes about 2-4 weeks for me to hit that wall.  I'll throw in the towel completely:  stop exercising and start the vicious cycle of binging and not giving a flip (tossed with some good portions of self-guilt and beating myself up).

I've "fallen off" a few times over the past several weeks, but I still keep picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on that horse.  It gave me such a sense of elation to realize that today.  I've had 4 horrible eat everything in sight days and last night, I sat down and planned out my entire day in my Weight Watchers tracker.  I haven't felt the slightest bit of a nudge towards straying from it either.  I've had breakfast and lunch and dinner is already simmering away in the crockpot.  And I've already done my walk today.

I can do this.

I will do this.

Last night, as I was folding laundry, I remember thinking to myself - this is no big deal.  This is just a little blip in the rest of your life.  This is forever.  It's fine.

Notice there was no self-degradation, no loud exclamations of "I am a failure!"  No.  Only acceptance of myself and the will to move on to the next thing.

I feel amazing.

Random Facts

Here is a random list of facts about me:

*I'm obsessed with Mickey Mouse and Walt Disney World.
*I have severe anxiety issues.
*I love my three year old niece as if she was my own child.  In fact, sometimes I forget she's not actually my daughter.
*I want to have a big, girly lesbian wedding with the girl of my dreams (who as far as I can tell, does not exist).
*In addition to my obsession with Mickey & Disney, I'm also very obsessed with pin-up modeling (looking at, not doing...puhlease), 1940s and 1950s fashion and hair styles, and big band, swing, and rockabilly music.
*This fast-approaching school year will be my 9th year as a teacher.
*I turn 38 in two weeks.
*I want children and can feel my biological clock tick, tick, ticking away faster and faster by the second...and I'm not really sure what to do about that at this exact point in time.
*I was named after my grandmother, my great aunt, and my mom.
*Even though I call myself a lesbian, I still find myself attracted to men from time to time.
*I love spending time outdoors, even if it's only to sit on the back porch with a Diet Coke and a book.
*I have a dog - she's a yellow lab mix and my anxiety kicks into overdrive anytime I have to take her to the vet, because she's a holy terror.  Not in a loveable, wacky sort of way - like a demon from hell sort of way.
*I'm both terrified and excitedly hopeful about the future.
*I start a ton of projects with great passion and very seldom see them through.
*I am constantly overwhelmed by all my interests and all the things I want to do to the point that it usually paralyzes me and keeps me from getting anything done at all!

Ugh. Just Ugh.

I'm having a really hard time caring about anything today.  I think a big part of that comes from having the summer-time doldrums.  I have about 2 1/2 weeks left of break before heading back to work and I have very mixed emotions about it.

I deal with a TON of anxiety about little day-to-day things, so thinking about the new school year starting is really freaking me out.  There's so much to do.  Then there's the fact that I have to deal with people when I get back to work.  I think I was born to be a hermit.  But at the same time, I HATE being that way.  I wish I was more of a social creature.  But then when I'm out and about, I'm stressing out and having panic attacks about having to even look at other people, let alone interact with them.  I love my alone time.  In fact, I think that was the cause of the downfall of my last relationship.  I just wanted to be left alone.  All the time.

It's not like I'm doing anything totally amazing when I'm alone.  I just like being alone.

I feel like there are a bunch of emotions I need to sort out right now.  But...I can't pinpoint any of them.  And I have zero energy to even try right now.

So, my plan for today - refocus on tracking, go on my walking challenge walk, and make smart food choices.  So far, so good.

Still Here!

I've been an absentee blogger the past week.  I have not made it to my Weight Watchers meeting the past two Saturdays due to be out late the Friday night before.  Last week I was down to 339.4, which was a 4 pound loss.  This Saturday I was back up a bit and have basically spent the weekend eating my face off, but I feel pretty done with that now.

I downloaded the free Nike+ Running app this past week and started doing this walking challenge from Weight Watchers.  I followed this exact challenge about 4 years ago or so and had a lot of success with it.  I took Friday and Saturday off, because I was busy busy on Friday and lazy lazy yesterday.  But I got back out there today and completed Day 4.  I noticed it was easier than it had been.

Anyway, just wanted to say I haven't fallen off the face of the weight loss earth.  I feel I've had a few different breakthroughs this past week, which is a really good thing.  I'm also going back to my Weight Watchers meeting this Saturday, WITHOUT FAIL.

Did you catch that?  WITHOUT FAIL, I will be at Weight Watchers bright and early Saturday morning!

That is all!

Day 17

Somehow...incredibly, amazingly...I've managed to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get my shit together.

I've done really well the past couple of days with my eating.  Yesterday I was over just a little bit, but I'm not going to let that stress me out.  According to my scale, I'm also 2 pounds down from Saturday.  I'm a bit obsessive about weighing myself as I do it at least twice a day!  But I find it helps keep me focused.

I cooked last night for the first time in awhile and made Crockpot Cilantro Lime Chicken, which I ended up shredding and serving over some tortilla chips (which I portioned out) and Skinny Broccoli Salad.  Both of which were fantastic and got rave reviews from the fam.  Next time, I'd just make sure to chop the broc up into smaller chunks.  I had to run to the store yesterday for a few things to make this meal and once again, did a great job of not buying a whole bunch of crap or a "treat" for the car ride home.

A blurry photo of the Skinny Broccoli Salad.  It was quite tasty.

I am drinking WAY too much Coke Zero and Diet Coke lately and not getting nearly any exercise.  My days this week have consisted of sitting and playing computer games, reading a ton, and watching the first season of True Blood.

My 38th birthday is in a couple of weeks and my family is going out for a meal.  I want it to be somewhere out of the ordinary, so I'm looking into that now.

Meanwhile, I just need to be on my best behaviour for the next two days, because I'm really looking forward to my meeting on Saturday morning!

Day 15

I'm feeling horribly depressed today.  Like I want to come out of my skin depressed and anxious.  It's awful.  I think the biggest thing gnawing at me is the fact that I'm almost 38, single, and not a mom.  I only ever wanted to be a mom, which I'm sure I've mentioned before, and somehow all this time has just drifted by.  I've allowed my life to just float on past me for 38 years.  It doesn't help that I was feeling all unliked on Saturday because of my birthday party, nor does falling off the wagon the past few days...I could go on and continue to list my troubles.

Fortunately, I haven't eaten my depression.  I've done pretty well.  I should be getting up and moving and doing some kind of workout, but just haven't.  I haven't left the house since Saturday...I don't think I've even SHOWERED since Saturday.  I guess I'll move that up to the tip top of my "to do" list.

My weight was back down below Saturday's weight today, so that was a relief.  No idea what I'm having for dinner tonight.  We ended up ordering pizza last night and that was not good.  Better than the olden days, but still not what it should have been.

I'm still tracking and keeping up with my food tracker on Excel, I just haven't posted any of it yet.  I would like to see another pound gone this week.  A pound a week is really so, so simple!  If I can just keep this food demon I have hovering over me all the time at bay, then I will be able to stay in my points for the next four days and see another loss on Saturday!

So what do you do when you need a lift out of a funk that you're in?

Day 14: I'm Still Here

Okay, so first of all, I should say that Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were all...not very good.

In fact, Saturday, after all was said and done, I'd consumed in excess of 130 Points Plus and needless to say, had completely devoured (pun intended) any weekly points I would have had for the week.

My weigh-in on Saturday was less than stellar.  Down one pound to 343.4.  However, I will take that one pound.  If I only lose a pound again this week, I'll be thrilled.

Saturday I went to Weight Watchers at the crack of dawn.  I had coffee and a sausage McGriddle from McDonalds (a habit I need desperately to break).  Then it was back home to get ready for my niece's 3rd birthday party at which Subway sandwiches (not too bad) and cake (bad) would be served.  That was fine, it was the leftovers at home that were unhelpful.

Even so, that wouldn't have been a big deal, but then there was my sister's and my joint birthday party (celebrating hers a few weeks late and mine a few weeks early) to contend with.  I only had a few beers and a big ass shot one of my friends bought for me, but we also had dinner.

So...anyway, if my day had consisted of only one, maybe even two, of these little blips, it would have been fine.  It was a combination of all the factors that really messed me up.

Yesterday, I slept the day away.  I don't know why.  I certainly wasn't hungover and I felt okay, I just could not stay awake.  My mom and sister felt the same way so we chalked up to the rainy weather we're having.  I also had a really hard time caring about what I ate.  I got up so late that I only had coffee for breakfast, ate leftover subway for lunch, had a real Dr. Pepper later in the day along with a little bag of chips, and some mandarin orange chicken and jasmine rice from Trader Joe's for dinner.  I put my points in today and it says I'm 6 points under my total for the day, so that was a relief.  I ate the chicken leftovers for lunch today and had cereal this morning.  No idea what's for dinner.

I feel so beaten down today.  Not by the weight loss thing, but just by life.  Mostly, maybe because my birthday party made me sad.  I invited about 30 of my co-workers and not one of them could be bothered to show up.  In fact, one of my closest work friends texted me to tell me that she and her husband got tickets to a show instead.  Why even bother telling me at all?  It just really made me feel like crap.  Granted, all my closest friends were there, even one I hadn't seen in about a year, so that was nice.  But these are people I work with and I always feel completely on the outskirts of the "group" at work.  Like people tolerate me, but mostly find me annoying.  And that just kind of reaffirmed that feeling for me.  Whether it's true or not.

And tomorrow night is a send off for my outgoing principal and a welcome for the new principal.  I'm not going.  I can't face those people.  I can't even begin to describe how being around them makes me feel.  Like I'm not a real person, like I don't measure up, like no one really gives a shit about me.  And certainly like none of them know me at all.  Which, to be honest, they really don't, despite having worked there for 8 years.

I desperately care what people think of me.  I really wish I didn't.  My ex used to get so pissed off at me about that.  But I can't just turn it off.

Day Ten: Coming Clean

It has NOT been a good day and I need to acknowledge it now before it spins out of control.. 

It's that time of the month, so I've felt like crap all day and spent it lying in bed watching tv and movies.  I did okay eating until about 5 and then finished off the bag of Trader Joe's Snack-Os.  About an hour ago, decided dinner from Jack in the Box was a good idea.

It wasn't. 

It was a bad idea.  Because not only have I now gone over my points for the week, but that little voice in my head is not so little right now and is screaming at me, "I told you so!  I told you so!  I TOLD YOU SO!" and insinuating that there is no chance in hell I will ever stick with this.  Add to that the massive stomach ache I'm suffering right now and it was a bad idea. 

I have got to give up fast food and restaurants cold turkey for awhile.

On the other hand, I realize this was one day out of 10.  And one day out of 10 does not define me or my success.  I have done really well and I refuse to throw it all away over this one crappy day...which actually wasn't all that crappy to start, so it's more like this 1/3 of a day.

I still could have done a lot of other things wrong today.  I have tomorrow ahead of me and I will make it a great day before my weigh in on Saturday.

Day 8

It's Day 8 already???  Wow...I'm kinda impressed with myself.

So, yesterday was pretty good!  I didn't workout, but I'm not stressed over that at all.  I had to go to the grocery store and on my way there I started feeling kind of anxious like "can I do this without doing something stupid?"  Because old me would have thought I "deserved" a treat of some sort.  You know...just a little something for the car ride home....but once I got there, I honestly didn't even give it much thought.  It flashed through my mind quickly a couple of times, but I didn't even care to dwell on it.  So, I got what I went for, left and came home.

I rented some movies last night and started watching one of them:  Mama.  Ugh.  I cannot.  I repeat, CANNOT...watch scary movies by myself late at night.  I enjoyed some popcorn while I watched it and my niece kept coming in the room, so luckily, I was forced to give the movie up for the evening.  I'll finish it later today...during daylight hours!  I had intended to start it earlier, but my sister invited me to go hang out with some friends poolside, so I did that for a bit first.

This was dinner:

AMAZING green beans, mashed potatoes, and...sausage.

The sausage was what we had in the fridge...the mashed potatoes I mashed with a tbsp of Brummel & Brown (1 PP), and 1/4 cup of light sour cream.  I've found I really enjoy using yellow potatoes lately.  They taste much better than russets and these made awesome mash.  The green beans, though...they were the piece de resistance (I have no idea if I spelled any of that correclty...it's been almost 20 years since my French-taking days).

I steamed the beans, then sauteed them with some onions and garlic and topped that off with a drizzle of lemon juice.  Lots of love from the fam on these.

I made these muffins last night:  Healthy Banana Nut Muffins  Someday, I'll learn to read a recipe fully before committing to it.  It says to soak the yogurt (or water/vinegar) and the whole wheat flour for 12-24 hours first...to aid with digestion, I think.  I was all...screw that!  And let it sit there for about 1 1/2 hours.  Also, I didn't buy enough yogurt.  I only ended up having a cup, so I added 1/3 cup of water for moisture.  Well...when all was said and done, I had playdough sitting there in that bowl.  A wiser me would have said, "I'm going to scrap this recipe and find another" since I hadn't actually put anything else in there yet.  But...oh, no...that thought didn't occur to me until much later. 

So once I added the other ingredients, I had big balls of flour chunkage in the batter.  What's a girl to do?  Oh, I know...let's gift a sifter and a ladle and try and sift it through but using the ladle to push the batter through the sifter holes so that maybe the flour chunks will break up and actually incorporate into the mix...for the next hour or two.  I strained that stuff for that long.  I refused to give in!  Well, it worked, but my legs, arms, neck and shoulders were killing from standing there over the bowl for so long. 

I fully expected these to taste like crap, but they were okay.  Not sweet at all.  I don't think I'll make them again.....or if I do, maybe I'll actually follow the recipe next time.  The muffins should have been 4 Points Plus, but I ended up adding in 1/2 cup of pecans instead of 1/3 cup, so these came in at 5 Points Plus.    I had one last night.  And one this morning.  I'm so disciplined!  Of course, I also stopped by McDonald's for a Diet Coke after dropping my niece off at the babysitter's and had a Sausage McGriddle.  11 Points Plus.  I still have over 30 PP left for the day and over 30 PP left in my weekly points.  I've been under or at my points everyday since Sunday, so if I end up having to dip into my weekly points, I'm totally okay with that.

Have a great day!

Day 7

At the end of the day today, I've been eating well for a full week!

Last night, I ended up having Wendy's for dinner.  I looked up the points first at had a Single w/cheese for 13 points, a small fry for 9 points, and a small frosty for 9 points.  Plus an unsweet iced tea.  That's a 31 point meal.  However, I still had 34 points left for the day.  At the end of the day, I still had 3 points left. 

BUT...

I still felt like such a failure for eating that meal.  I beat myself to and fro all night long and that little voice in my head crept back up and started telling me it was the beginning of the end and that there was no way I could do this, that I am going to fail yet again.

I somehow managed to not let it get to me.  I went to bed and woke up this morning with renewed dedication.  I haven't had any crazy cravings today like I did yesterday.  I ate my breakfast and started getting the kitchen cleaned up so I can marinate some vegetables with my chicken for dinner.  I have salad greens ready and waiting in the fridge for lunch that I may pair with more veggie samosas or something equally fun. 

My workout clothes are currently in the washer, but I feel confident I'm still going to get some movement in even though I've already met my 3 days of exercise goal for the week. 

We have some overripe bananas in the fridge, so I'm off to look up some healthy muffin recipes.  The plan is to freeze them and have one or less a day.  I'm really bad with baked goods, so this will be a test.  If I can handle it, great.  Maybe I'll try again sometime.  If I can't...well, lesson (re)learned.

Have a great day!

Day 6

So I had my first really big cravings today.  Pretty early on, in fact.  Taco Bell.  Ugh.  I hate and love that crap place so damn much. 

I had cereal with a banana for breakfast and did a bunch of reading.  In fact, I finished Designated Fat Girl by Jennifer Joyner this morning.  I just started it yesterday.  Yeah, that's how hard I couldn't put it down.  I could have written that book.  Especially the beginning where she describes the food addiction attack she had where she lies to her husband to leave the house so she can go eat.  I highly recommend it.  I could relate to so much of her struggle.

So, after my reading jag, I came in and it was around noon.  I pushed thoughts of Taco Bell from my mind and made my salad and a tuna fish sandwich.  My salad was exactly the same as yesterday: a mess of romaine, shredded carrots, tomatoes, olives, vinagrette, and chow mein noodles for fun. 

Blogger still hates me and thus, will not allow me to upload photos today.  I've taken so many food pictures too!

I also went on a 36 minute walk today.  My left foot feels weird when I start walking for any length of time.  I don't know if it's my Nikes or what, but it feels tight. 

Saturday, my sister and I are having a joint birthday party.  A few weeks late for her, a few weeks early for me.  Additionally, my niece's 3rd birthday is Sunday and we're having her birthday party that morning.  So, it is a busy birthday filled weekend.  I will be having cake at her party for sure.  I'm planning for it and not even slightly worried about it.  The problem will be if there is any cake leftover that comes back to the house.  I plan to laugh in its face. 

I've noticed I'm very cranky and impatient lately. Okay, who am I fooling?  I'm always cranky and impatient, but it's at an all time high the past few days.  My living situation is complicated as I live with not only my sister and my niece, but also my parents.  Definitely not ideal at almost 38, but it's temporary.  However, everything everyone does is getting on my ever-loving nerves!  Perhaps it stems from not constantly drugging myself with sugar and fat? 

I really haven't had any sweet treats.  The cereal I eat certainly has sugar in it, as does the peanut butter I have for a snack with my apple..but candy bars, cakes, cookies, pastries, etc...I haven't touched any of those since the cookout on Thursday.  And that's highly unusual.  I haven't really missed it!

I know I'm doing so well and I'm so proud of myself, but I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a precipice and will fall over it at any given moment.  Having a binge episode and throwing in the towel all over again scares me to death.  I'm hanging on for dear life.  One little misstep is all takes to send me into chaos.  I'm dealing with so much doubt today.

I find reading blogs (I finished 111 Pounds yesterday) and weight loss related books really is helping keep my motivated.  I also listened to part of an episode of the Half Size Me podcast on my walk today.  I'm going to launch into this blog: Runs For Cookies and this book: Weight Loss Boss now. 

On Exercise

I don't know how many more days I'm going to be doing these multiple posts, but I'm a teacher and have another 5 weeks (I think) off, so....but I will say, it's definitely helping to keep my motivated, even if there is no one out there actually reading other than the spam companies that keep flooding to my blog and driving my stats up!

Okay...so exercise....I completed my second day just now and noticed a few things. 

1.  I'm so super out of shape that the first 10-15 minutes hurts like a mother.  My legs start aching and screaming at me.  And dude, it's not like I'm doing 30 Day Shred.  I'm just doing a little Leslie Sansonne Walk At Home DVD. 

2.  After the first 10-15 minutes (and I mentioned this earlier), my legs hurt less and I start to feel super empowered!

3.  I own a whole library of Leslie Sansonne videos, but I chose this one that I lost a ton of weight with before (also falling a healthy diet, of course), because it reminds me of a time I succeeded.  I have some newer videos, but I smell failure everytime I even glance in their direction, so it will be awhile before I want to pull those puppies out.

Now...onto another topic on my mind called....Running.

I desperately want to be one of those 5K every weekend kind of girls!  I actually did the first run from Couch to 5K three separate times last year, but could never get the courage up to continue.  Of course, I weighed well over 300 pounds then too.  My knees are so incredibly fucked up right now, that I can't even begin to imagine trying to start running again right now.

BUT...it is definitely something I'll be looking forward to once I start shedding these pounds and getting my body back into fighting shape! 

Meanwhile, completed un-weight related (gasp!), I saw World War Z yesterday, which was okay.  It was nothing like the book.  I'm a bit of a zombie freak.  I also love anything post-apocalyptic/dystopia related, so I'm reading a bunch of different young adult series that fall into that category right now.  Currently, I'm reading Matched (I can't remember the author's name) and it's terribly enjoyable.  Very Hunger Games-esque. 

So, if you are out there, please leave me a comment and tell me two things:  1.  What kind of exercise do you like to do and 2.  What kind of books do you enjoy?

Day 5

I have so much I want to say!  I need to keep a notepad next to me at all times to make notes.  Almost everytime I write a post, 30 minutes later I remember something else I wanted to mention.

Firstly, I was just talking to my mom and saying how I was proud of myself that I was on Day 5 and she gave me a hug and told me she was proud of me too.  I also am noticing I'm eating a lot more "real" food as opposed to processed crap.  Just eating all those fresh fruits and vegetables has made me feel more energetic today.

Secondly, I did my first of the three workouts last night.  I invited my little niece along to workout to Leslie Sansonne and she was so cute!  She totally got those sidesteps and kicks down in a hurry.  I told myself I was going to do as much as I could and guess what?  I made it through the whole 30 minutes of the video.  After about the first 10 minutes, I seemed to really get energized and just kept going.  And I've already thrown the workout clothes on for today too, so will be doing another workout today.  Then just one more to go to meet my goal (but I have a sneaking suspicion I'll do more than that. 

I'm feeling so motivated and positive right now.  I know I can do this!  I have almost zero cravings for junk food lately, I keep thinking about how every movement I make is going to add up to feeling fitter and healthier.  I'm thinking ahead to my goals, while really enjoying this journey so far. 

I've been reading a blog from start to finish the past few days...not finished yet, but this girl is amazing and a huge motivation!  111 Pounds  She's lost around 100 pounds and runs all the time and eats healthy vegetarian (mostly from what I've read so far)  food.  She's my inspiration.

Reading blogs of other people who've been through this and succeeded is so helpful!  I am going to catch up with hers, then find another one to read from start to finish, then another...and meanwhile, keep up with the current posts.  There's so much information out there and so many amazing blogs that I get overwhelmed sometimes, so I decided this will be my method.

This morning I made REAL oatmeal on the stovetop, threw in 1/2 tbsp of honey, mashed up a banana in there and threw some strawberries on top.  It was beautiful!  I wish I'd taken a picture!

This afternoon, I'm currently enjoying a salad and  vegetable samosas from Trader Joe's.

My salad:  romaine lettuce, black olives, cherry tomatoes, chow mein noodles, sun-dried tomato basil vinigrette, green hearts, yellow stars....oh, wait...

Trader Joe's Veggie Samosas.  Love this things!

Tonight, I'm making sausage, baked potatoes and fresh green beans with lemon and garlic.  Hopefully I'll remember to take a picture!

Weight Watchers Topic of the Week & Other Stuff

Firstly, I need to say something...

I'm obsessed with this blog right now.  It's all I think about.

"Oh!  I could post that on the blog!"

"Ooooo...that would make a good topic for the blog!"

"Huh...maybe I should mention this on the blog..."

Yeah.

The Weight Watchers meeting topic today involved small changes and "the ripple effect".  Essentially, making one or two small changes will radiate to other areas and those other areas will start to improve, and so on. 

So, the leader asked us to write down our one thing we wanted to do this week and I wrote "exercise at least 3 times."  I'm so not feeling the exercise thing yet.  I WANT to feel it.  I WANT to do it, but can't seem to get my butt moving.  I bought a new pair of workout pants today, though, because I AM going to exercise at least 3 times this week!

I went to the movie and I did order the small popcorn.  I also ordered a "small" Diet Pepsi instead of a large, but that small was pretty big.  I didn't finish it though.  I also have to confess that when the girl asked me if I wanted butter on my popcorn, I said yes.  I've been thinking about this a lot and replaying it in my mind where I say "no" instead.

Afterwards, I hit Toys R Us to do a little birthday gift shopping for my niece.  And I bought a Pepsi Max.  After I bought it, I thought...a water would have been better. 

AND...we ended up dining on Taco Bell tonight.  I'm eating way too much fast food.  My ex would have pointed that out to me lightening quick-like.  So I'm pointing it out to myself. 

Tomorrow, I am going to try to have a fast food free day.

So, despite the Sausage McGriddle for breakfast, the Taco Bell for dinner, and the buttered popcorn at the movie theatre (wow...that sounds horribly gluttonous)...I still did better today than I normally would have.  Normally, I might have had 2 McGriddles and maybe a hashbrown to boot.  I would have ordered a LARGE buttered popcorn just for myself and a LARGE regular soda.  I would have probably thrown a couple of apple empanadas on top of my meal at dinner along with another LARGE regular soda.  So, that's pretty damn good. 

If I could change anything, I would have told them no to the butter (but still had the small popcorn), not gotten the Pepsi Max at Toys R Us, planned better for breakfast, and planned better for dinner.  So, I think a lot of where I stumble involves planning.

Now, for your viewing pleasure...the photograph I mentioned the other day of me at Disney World meeting Mickey and Minnie.  I conveninently cropped out my face, my sister, Mickey and Minnie (to protect their identities) and I think we can all agree I did a bang up job painting my niece out of the photo too!

Please note the cellulite dripping off my upper arms, the pants that are skin tight, the gut, and the fat and swollen lower leg region.  Also, my really great farmer's tan.  My body looks like a fat old lady's body.  I'm just blown away at how big and out of shape I have gotten.

I can't throw in the towel this time.  I just can't.  My life really depends on it.



Weigh In Week One

I got my butt out of bed at 5 AM this morning and drove it an hour to go to the nearest 6:30 AM Weight Watchers meeting.  I chose this meeting specifically because I had a sneaking suspicion it was the same leader as a meeting I attended last year.  She'd only been the leader for my first two meetings, so I don't know if she was just filling in or what, but she was a big motivating factor for me, as she's close to my age, appears to be single and without kids, so I can relate.  Most leaders are married with grown children...I don't have any children yet, so....  Plus this leader lost 130 lbs and looks great.  Big motivator.  

So I get there and lo and behold, it is her!  I was very excited.  I also quickly realized I was the youngest person in the meeting.  Impressive, since I'm only a couple of years away from 40!

I got all signed up and weighed in and was relieved to see that my 3 days of focus have paid off to the tune of almost 6 pounds.  I was at 344.4.  

I'm probably going to head to the movies soon and see World War Z.  I may even get a small popcorn.  Though right now I'm not feeling the popcorn, as I ate lunch early (due to that 5 AM wake up time) and am pretty full!

As promised, pictures of some of my food from yesterday:

My crazy potato, bread & butter pickle, and sun-dried tomato vinagrette green salad that I enjoyed for lunch yesterday.

A pretty blurry picture of the squash and orange bell pepper I chopped up prior to sauteeing them up with some onions and garlic to be used in my barbeque chicken & veg quesadillas that we dined on for dinner last night.

I'm so, so bad at remembering to take food photos, that I took this one halfway through eating my dinner last night.  I apologize for the lack of photo gloriousness.  These quesadillas were delish, though!

I just used the leftover chicken and vegetables from last night on top of another salad today.  It was an interesting combo...tonight will be a pretty boring dinner...some sausage, baked (or mashed) potatoes and some kind of veg....tbd.

Books, Books, Books!

I love reading.  For about a year or so, however, I wasn't doing much of it.  I got a Kindle Fire for Christmas last year (I think I mentioned this awhile back) and my love of reading has been reignited!  In addition to my usual fiction, I've been downloading a lot of weight loss and self-help related books.  Some of these I may have mentioned before.

Here is a sampling (asterisked titles are books I have just downloaded and haven't finished or even started yet):

Weight Loss

99 Weight Loss Tips (That Helped Me Lose 30 Pounds in 12 Weeks) by Marcus Zjukov
Umm...this one was obviously self-published.  There are a lot of common sense tips here, but a lot of crazy shit too like "fall in love with Diet Coke" and "don't stop smoking".  There were a few others that made me raise my eyebrows.  Also, there are some serious, serious grammatical and syntax errors that made me want to beat my head against the wall.  But, in all fairness, I'm not entirely sure the author's first language is English....
This is not a book I'd recommend, by the way.  Despite the cheap price.  Save your money.

344 Pounds:  How I lost 125 Pounds by Counting Calories by Shawn Weeks
This one was a pretty good little memoir by the guy who runs a blog by the same name:  344 Pounds, which has become one big ad for the aforementioned book.

*Designated Fat Girl by Jennifer Joyner
I haven't started this one yet, but it looks like a good memoir

Diets Don't Work:  How I Lost 120 Pounds Without Dieting by Vernoica Morgan
Pretty good, but it's been a few months since I read it

*Eating the Moment:  141 Mindful Practices to Overcome Overeating by Pavel Somov
Haven't gotten too far into this one yet.  I think it will require a lot more of my focus and attention than I've been able to give it so far.  But looks promising!

From Fat to Fit:  How I Lost 100 Lbs by Alyssa Reyans
This one was good.  She also includes some recipes.

Obese From the Heart:  A Fat Psychiatrist Discloses by Sara L. Stein, M.D.
I liked this book a lot.  This woman has been there and really delves into all the reasons why we get fat and stay there.  Definitely worth a reread in the near future.

*Ravenous:  A Food Lover's Journey From Obsession to Freedom by Dayna Macy
I've read the first couple of chapters.  She picks a food, then really delves into it.  Cheese - her past experiences with it, then she travels to a factory where it's made...Sausage - experiences, factory where it's made...and so on.  I'm having a hard time focusing on it.

*Stranger Here: How Weight-Loss Surgery Transformed My Body and Messed With My Head by Jen Larsen
I'm really looking forward to reading this one, even though I'm not considering weight loss surgery at this time.  I've read several reviews and an exerpt.

*Weight Loss For People Who Feel Too Much by Colette Baron-Reid
I like what I've read so far.  She definitely hits the nail on the head with feelings and weight.  A lot of "work" involved here that I just haven't psyched myself up for yet.

Self-Help

*The 52-Week Life Passion Project by Barbie Davenport
I haven't gotten past week one on this, because I started it when school was still in session and then got sidetracked.  Involves a very brief reading and an "assignment" each week for 52 weeks.  Really looking forward to getting back to it!

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Ruben
Potentially life changing.  It really had me rethinking a lot of things in my life.  I'd like to reread it.

*Madly In Love With Me: The Daring Adventure of Becoming Your Own Best Friend by Christine Arylo
I really, really, really want to get sucked into this book.  I just don't know that I'm there yet.  There being the place where I can fall madly in love with myself.  ;)  I've started it, but haven't picked it back up in awhile.

*Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein
Yeah.  I got nothin'.  The cover looks cool, though!  However, I just noticed the one on Amazon is not the same as the one I have on my downloaded version.

Disclaimer:  I do not earn any money or anything when you click the above links.  These are just books I have either purchased and plan to read or books I have already read.

Thanks for reading!

Day Three!

So a couple of things tonight.  I decided to restart Weight Watchers meetings, which I will be attending early tomorrow morning.  That said, I decided it would be better to post my food tracker thingy on Saturdays, so here it is (even though it's still technically Friday)!

Also, today was a really good day!  I had a delicious salad for lunch and made barbeque chicken & veggie quesadillas for dinner.  I also took pictures, so I will be posting those tomorrow.  I'm still 5 points under with 31 weekly points in tact. 

So, I've stuck with it for 3 days, no binging, no out of control thoughts even, really.  I also managed to make it through the whole day today without any soda.  Totally crazy!

Weekly Food Journal

Here's my first weekly food journal!  Of course, this week only consists of two days.  Even so, I found this immensely helpful!

Wednesday, I did pretty good.  Lunch could have been healthier.  Thursday, being the 4th of July, I was faced with some big temptations.  I went to a state park with a bunch of friends and we had a cookout.  I ended up having both a hamburger AND a hot dog, as well as potato salad and 3 brownie bites. 

Then my sister and I stopped by Wendy's last in the evening and got dinner.  So, that was another hamburger.  I mean, seriously.

However, old me would have gotten a full on combo meal with fries and a big burger in addition to the Wendy's frosty cone and iced tea.  The Wendy's Frosty cone is only 8 PP, which surprised me.  I thought it would be upwards of 10!  Old me also would have eaten the entire tray of brownie bites (plus a few of the cookies that were hanging around), instead of stopping at 3.  Also, there were chips and I passed those over completely.

So, I did go over my points yesterday, but I had earned 9 activity points and dipped into my 49 weekly points. 

I also learned some things...like potato salad is crazy high in Points Plus.  Which should probably be obvious since it is basically a vat of mayonnaise with some potatoes thrown in for good measure.  So, in the future, I will take a smaller portion, if any.  I fully intended to just eat the hamburger, but the hot dog started calling my name shortly thereafter. So, in the future, I will find a way to make myself busy and distract myself from the siren's call of the hot dog.  Another self-tip for future picnics and BBQs...bring a healthy salad, some fruit, and or some other vegetable side dish to fill up on, possibly foregoing the potato salad all together! 

So here's a screen capture of my spreadsheet tracker for the past two days.  It's not very fancy, as I am only literate in the very very basics of Excel!

Post-Vacation Ramblings

Hi to anyone who might actually be reading this little blog of mine!  A warning in advance, this will be very rambly!

I just back from Florida where I visited the Mouse and hit the beach with my parents, sister, and almost 3 year old niece.  We had a great time.

While I was there, I realized that I am capable of far more physically than I thought.  I walked tons and swam.  I didn't swim as much as I might have in the past just because when you are well over 300 pounds, you don't feel comfortable in a bathing suit.  No...it's more like you don't feel ENTITLED to wear a bathing suit.  So, I was pretty active, but I would also feel that activity in the morning pretty hard.  I was so sore...especially my feet.

Well, I knew it was time to get back ontrack when I got home.  I knew, because all that activity was a great jumping off point to keeping up the activity back home AND because I can literally feel my body disintegrating.  I'm tired of that.

I was going through our photos yesterday and my sister, niece, and I had one taken with Mickey and Minnie.  I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor at how HUGE I am.  I'm seriously just HUGE.  I knew I was really big, but something about seeing it documented in a photograph is quite the wake up call.  My initial instinct was to delete it, but then I started thinking, I need to see that.  Maybe I should make it the wallpaper on my computer screen.  A constant reminder of what I am doing and what needs to be done.

I also had to buy a new scale yesterday, because my old one decided to just completely stop working.  I changed the batteries twice and nothing.  So, I weighed myself on this new scale thinking I'd be back around 340.  No.  350.2. I mean...really??? 

I feel so frustrated, because I know I make these commitments to myself and declare them here and then time and time again, I fail, only to gain back what I've lost and then some.  350.2.  I never thought I would see that number.  That is my highest weight ever.  That's halfway between 300 and 400 pounds.  And it makes me physically ill.  How did this happen?  How did I let this happen?

I went grocery shopping yesterday and did very well.  I had a cart full of produce and chicken and some marinades to keep things changed up.  I have to keep it simple for now.  I was super proud of myself, as I didn't buy anything sugary (other than my all natural peanut butter with honey - there's a confession)...the only snacks I bought were fruit and little Babybel cheeses and the aforementioned peanut butter.  Oh...I did get a bag of those baked Snackum things from Trader Joe's.  They are kind of like Funyons.  I already know that one serving is 4 PP.

I came home and portioned off the chicken and froze it, washed and chopped a GIANT thing of strawberries, and prepared a big bag of salad for lunches.  I had a bunch of errands yesterday, but was still able to make Hawaiian chicken with broccoli.  Of course, I didn't remember to take pictures.  But all I did was marinate a couple of chicken breasts in Lawry's Hawaiian marinade along with a chunkily chopped onion, some garlic, and a can of pineapple in juice.  I cooked it at 375 for about an hour, adding in a bag of prewashed and chopped broccoli at the end.  I served it with some Jasmine rice and it was really very good.  I think the Points Plus value was 12, including a serving of rice.

Right now, I'm trying to create a spreadsheet so I can post my food journals each Friday, so look for that tomorrow.  It will only include W-F of this week.  I'm also giving serious thought to going back to my Weight Watchers meetings.  If I do that, it will happen either tomorrow or Saturday. 

Thanks for reading!

Weigh In Update

What started out as a promising week came to screeching halt of disaster.

I'm not really sure what went wrong. 

Perhaps it was the craving for chocolate chip cookies...the kind made from the refrigerated dough...

Perhaps it was taking it a step further than a craving and actually purchasing said dough, popping it in little globs onto a cookie sheet and baking them up.

Perhaps it was the stress of a doctor's appointment and some information I didn't want to hear. 

Perhaps it was loneliness and feeling defeated by life.

In any event, shut the front door, I gained.  Back up to 336.0 yesterday.

But throwing in the towel is not an option.

Today, I walked AND went and cleaned out the car (which had nothing..okay, everything...to do with the fact that my sister got sick in there on the way home from a night out Friday night.)

And perhaps I have shared too much...

Agave Nectar Glazed Garlic Carrots

I am hopelessly forgetful when it comes to taking pictures of my food.  This is something that needs to be remedied!

But in the meantime, I bring you...

Agave Nectar Glazed Garlic Carrots

1 lb baby carrots
2 cloves garlic, diced
1 tbsp trans-fat free margarine (I LOVE Earth Balance and Brummel & Brown)
1 tbsp agave nectar
1 tsp cinnamon

Cook carrots to your liking.  I generally boil or steam them.  Once they are done, add remaining ingredients, stirring to ensure everything is evenly coating those little critters.

I've made these twice in the past two weeks. 

Renewal

Hey everyone! I've done pretty well the past couple of days and yesterday during one of my obsessive weigh-ins was happy to see I was back down, not only having lost anything I regained last week, but an additional .2 lbs!

Soooo....just thought I'd drop in and share that little tidbit. I'm slowly, slowly accepting that I am making changes to be healthier first and foremost AND that these are changes that I have to put into place for the rest of my life. There are going to be bad days (and weeks) but what matters is that I pick myself up, dust myself off and get back on that horse again. Time after time after time.

I've said this before, but it bears repeating...I want to LIVE my life, not just let it pass me by. There are so many things I want to do, see, and accomplish. And while the scale isn't moving as quickly as I like (even when I'm on track), there are still changes happening. My pants are looser. I'm not in so much pain. I have more energy. I'm I'm a generally better mood. These are all positives. All I have to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and have my sights set on these small changes now adding up to big ones for my future.

Back on Track

So after my disasterous week last week, I knew I had no choice but to get refocused and back on the wagon today.

I preplanned all my food today and stuck to it.  I also darkened the door of my gym tonight for the first time in months and had a quick walk on the treadmill.  There was a guy a couple of treadmills down that was dressed head to toe in black sweats with his hood on.  He looked kind of like the unabomber, which freaked me out a bit.  But I made it outta there unscathed.

Weigh In

In a word, this week was...a disaster.  Fortunately, I ONLY gained a pound.

But rather than dwell on that, I'm tracking and moving on right this second. 

I was very active this weekend, so I feel good about that.

I really don't have anything else to say at the moment, for fear I'll just beat myself up and make things worse.

Weigh In

Hi everyone!  While I wasn't super successful stuffing my face with veggies and making sure that I didn't weigh myself 10,000 times a day, I did get my water in everyday since I set that goal.

And I'm down exactly 1 pound this week!  Last week I was 334.8, yesterday I was at 333.8.  I'm thrilled.  My goal is to lose 1 pound a week and I accomplished that.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but I downloaded a free weight tracker from Half-Size Me a few weeks ago and having that visual reminder has been very helpful.  If you go to the website and sign up for her email updates, she sends you the tracker for free, so something to keep in mind.

Today, I've been busy meal planning for the upcoming week.  Payday is monthly for me and it is this upcoming Friday, so I'm going to have to make due with pretty much whatever is in the pantry for the time being.

Tonight, I'm making veggie pizza and cauliflower poppers.  I found the cauliflower popper recipe here:  Baked Cauliflower Poppers.  She claims they taste like french fries, so I'm going to give them a whirl.  We'll also have a green salad to round things out.

Pinterest has revolutionized the way I plan meals.  I have things categorized by cuisine and decided today to assign a meal-type to every day of the week.  This is what I'm trying:

Monday - Veggie Night
Tuesday - Crockpot Night
Wednesday - Chicken Night
Thursday - Salad Night
Friday - Sandwich Night
Saturday - Pasta Night
Sunday - Sunday Dinner with dessert.  Ooooooo!

I get very overwhelmed with all the amazing dessert choices out there, so I figure this will be a great way to have my cake and eat it too.  I have a month's worth of menus planned out, so on Sundays, I'll go through and put any recipes into my Weight Watchers tracker so I can plan out my lunches, breakfasts, and snacks accordingly for the upcoming week. 

Additionally, I plan out my grocery lists this way:

1 big master list for all non-perishables and freezer items for the month.
Weekly lists for produce and any other perishables pertaining to that week's menu.

Here's a peek at this week (and links to any recipes I'll be using).  Keep in mind, that I have a total of 51 daily points, so a lot of these recipes aren't particularly "Weight Watchers-minded".  Also, since I'm using up what we have on hand through Friday, I'm not sticking exactly to the afore-mentioned schedule. 

Monday - Trader Joe's Mandarin Orange Chicken with brown rice; asparagus
Tuesday - Crockpot Chicken Ranch Tacos (see recipe below) with all the fixin's; carrots
Wednesday - Hot dogs; green beans; garlic oven fries
Thursday - turkey sausage; mashed potatoes; salad
Friday - turkey burgers; roasted zucchini sticks
Saturday - meatloaf; Garlic Grilled Tomatoes; Fresno Potatoes
Sunday - Beef Stroganoff; salad; Incredible Triple Chocolate Cheesecake

SUPER EASY Crockpot Chicken Ranch Tacos
Serves 4
4 Points Plus per serving - chicken only

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 15-oz can diced tomatoes (or you can use fresh if you are feeling really productive)
1 packet dry ranch dressing mix
1 packet reduced sodium taco mix

Mix all ingredients in crockpot.  Cook on low for 4-6 hours.  Shred chicken using a fork.  Fill up taco shells and top with whatever you like.  We used shredded iceberg lettuce, shredded cheese, guacamole, sour cream, tomatoes, and olives.  If you have leftovers, they make a great salad topping for lunch the next day!

Thanks for stopping by!

More Frustration...and Some Confessions.

Something snapped last night when I got home and the snacking bug hit me.  I finished off some peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's and a bag of those tasty oniony baked Snack-O's they sell (my niece helped me with those, however).  And so I immediately started thinking about skipping dinner, because I'd already eaten my points (and then some) for the day.  I ended up eating a couple of eggrolls later on, but didn't include the promised veg.  My peanut butter and onion blow out didn't technically include anything plant-like either, because despite being "oniony", I'm pretty sure there's not even a lick of real onion in those suckers anyway.

BUT...I tracked it all anyway.  And yes, I was over.

AND...I didn't weigh myself last night.

BUT...I weighed myself this morning.

HOWEVER...I have met my water quota for the past two days, so that goal I am meeting.  Just not the other two.

So, I was feeling pretty down in the dumps today because of all of that, but also because of the week the States have been going through this week.  First, the Boston Marathon bombings...then the poison envelopes being sent to government officials...and finally, the fertilizer plant explosion in West, Texas, which is just 10 or 15 miles south of my home.  And yes, we felt the explosion here.

So all those things are making me sad.  And the feeling of abject terror at once again failing at weight loss has made it all the sadder. 

My sister asked me to dine at IHOP with her and my niece this evening, so I went...armed with my 31 remaining daily points...and ordered an omelette and pancakes.  Definitely not the best choice.  But I noticed that I did not eat until I was stuffed past the point of oblivion.  I stopped.  And then I came home and looked up the points for those suckers and tracked them.  I was over my points again. 

Now what?

Well, I pick myself up, shake the dirt off my ass, and keep going.  This is how I have to live.  This is not just now.  It's forever.  Whether I stay at 334 pounds for the rest of my life or the weight comes off, this is how I have to live.  I cannot eat myself to death any longer.  Yes, there are going to be shitty days when I overeat.  And yes, there are going to be shitty days when I want to eat an entire cake (today, btw, was one of those days - but I didn't eat the cake).  But guess what?  There will be MORE days when I make the best choices I can.  There will be days I drink all my water and eat plenty of foods that grow out of the ground and don't obsess over my weight (that last one might be a lie...time will tell).  The key is not letting small set backs become huge set backs.  And I feel like for the first time in a very long time, I'm able to prevent just that from happening. 

Thinking Through a Standstill (of sorts)

I'm feeling a stellar amount of frustration and depression over my weight loss efforts today.

The efforts are there. I have tracked, exercised, and stayed within my Points Plus range more than 90% of the time. I am not perfect, haven't been perfect, never will be perfect. Perfect doesn't exist. I refuse to beat myself up for my stumbles because they are each a learning experience and regardless of anything else, I am doing a million times better than I was just over 2 weeks ago.

What is not happening is that the scale is not moving fast enough for me! I told myself a couple of weeks ago that my goal was one pound a week. Very attainable. My first week I lost 7.something. The second only .6. So overall, yes, I am losing.

But...I'm an obsessive weigher.

I weigh every morning,
I weigh every afternoon after work.
I weigh at night before I go to bed.
I weigh at 2 AM when I'm up for a potty break.

And naturally, one's weight fluctuates.

In the past, daily weighing kept me accountable. Now I'm finding it just depresses me because the scale just goes up and back down a bit, back up more, down a tiny bit...and what this results in is a mentality that with every step I take forward, I'm taking 2 steps back.

So...for the remainder of the week, I shall not weigh. *GASP*! I hope that I'm not lying to you all by declaring this intention....but I will not weigh again until Saturday which is my official weigh in day.

Okay. I say all that to say this: the effort IS there. BUT are there things I need to tweak? Hell yes.

So what am I not doing that I should be? Two things immediately come to mind:
1. Too much processed food, not enough plants.
2. Too much diet soda, not enough water.

While I am staying in my PP range (except for the crazy that was Sunday, but we shan't dwell...), almost everything I've been eating comes in a package. Freezer meals for lunch, "baked" chips and snacks, etc. And I'll be honest, almost no fresh produce.

Yesterday, I made the decision that I need to start incorporating those things back into my diet. So after work, I hit the grocery store and bought $40 in fresh veggies and fruit. For the remainder of the week I plan to have fruit or veg with every meal or snack.

This is what it's looked like so far today:

Breakfast: cereal with a banana, milk and coffee

Snack: peanut butter-filled pretzels with a heaping side of grapes

Lunch: chicken tikka masala with a huge side salad

Dinner plans are still in the works, but I'll wager they will include some roasted Brussels sprouts and broccoli. Maybe even some carrots. And later, a fuji apple which I've recently discovered I enjoy tremendously, despite my overall aversion to fruit.

Secondly, I drink a lot of Coke Zero. If I had a true love, Coke Zero would be it. I've noticed I have been having my daily CZ and almost no water, so I'm upping the intake of that clear, crisp, unadulterated beverage. I had 20 oz on my hour long commute to work (I've run to the restroom 3 times already today - TMI?) and have another 20 oz set aside for lunch. In addition to the bottle sitting on my desk now. Can you guess what I'm going to say next? 48-64 oz of water for the remainder of the week.

So...let me reiterate: 3 pretty small, simple changes that I will follow through with for the remainder of the week! Plants with every meal or snack, 48-64 oz of water a day, and no more weighing til Saturday! Wish me luck!