Monday, July 15, 2013

Day 14: I'm Still Here

Okay, so first of all, I should say that Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were all...not very good.

In fact, Saturday, after all was said and done, I'd consumed in excess of 130 Points Plus and needless to say, had completely devoured (pun intended) any weekly points I would have had for the week.

My weigh-in on Saturday was less than stellar.  Down one pound to 343.4.  However, I will take that one pound.  If I only lose a pound again this week, I'll be thrilled.

Saturday I went to Weight Watchers at the crack of dawn.  I had coffee and a sausage McGriddle from McDonalds (a habit I need desperately to break).  Then it was back home to get ready for my niece's 3rd birthday party at which Subway sandwiches (not too bad) and cake (bad) would be served.  That was fine, it was the leftovers at home that were unhelpful.

Even so, that wouldn't have been a big deal, but then there was my sister's and my joint birthday party (celebrating hers a few weeks late and mine a few weeks early) to contend with.  I only had a few beers and a big ass shot one of my friends bought for me, but we also had dinner.

So...anyway, if my day had consisted of only one, maybe even two, of these little blips, it would have been fine.  It was a combination of all the factors that really messed me up.

Yesterday, I slept the day away.  I don't know why.  I certainly wasn't hungover and I felt okay, I just could not stay awake.  My mom and sister felt the same way so we chalked up to the rainy weather we're having.  I also had a really hard time caring about what I ate.  I got up so late that I only had coffee for breakfast, ate leftover subway for lunch, had a real Dr. Pepper later in the day along with a little bag of chips, and some mandarin orange chicken and jasmine rice from Trader Joe's for dinner.  I put my points in today and it says I'm 6 points under my total for the day, so that was a relief.  I ate the chicken leftovers for lunch today and had cereal this morning.  No idea what's for dinner.

I feel so beaten down today.  Not by the weight loss thing, but just by life.  Mostly, maybe because my birthday party made me sad.  I invited about 30 of my co-workers and not one of them could be bothered to show up.  In fact, one of my closest work friends texted me to tell me that she and her husband got tickets to a show instead.  Why even bother telling me at all?  It just really made me feel like crap.  Granted, all my closest friends were there, even one I hadn't seen in about a year, so that was nice.  But these are people I work with and I always feel completely on the outskirts of the "group" at work.  Like people tolerate me, but mostly find me annoying.  And that just kind of reaffirmed that feeling for me.  Whether it's true or not.

And tomorrow night is a send off for my outgoing principal and a welcome for the new principal.  I'm not going.  I can't face those people.  I can't even begin to describe how being around them makes me feel.  Like I'm not a real person, like I don't measure up, like no one really gives a shit about me.  And certainly like none of them know me at all.  Which, to be honest, they really don't, despite having worked there for 8 years.

I desperately care what people think of me.  I really wish I didn't.  My ex used to get so pissed off at me about that.  But I can't just turn it off.

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