Wednesday, August 22, 2012

A Collection of Ramblings From the Events of This Week

Revelation and All Around General PSA from Saturday:  one piece of cake that I have preplanned for does not equal the unraveling of a week's worth of hard work and focus.  Who knew???

Thoughts on Walking from Sunday:  For some reason, over my years of fatitude...whenever I would go on a walk, I'd make sure never to walk along the same stretch of road twice.  This is so crazy to me now.  I know what my little self-consciou brain was thinking too.  A random shuffling of the following loop:  "people will wonder what I'm up to; they'll think I'm weird; they'll notice that I'm fat (that's the BEST one!)."  I honestly thought everyone was sitting in their windows waiting for me to pass by.

Now I'm older, slightly wiser, minusculely less self-conscious, and an inch saner.  In fact, on my walk Sunday, a car drove by and I didn't divert my attenion.  I instead met their eye (of course, i was wearing sunglasses...) and even did that little hand raise, half ass wave.  I then got shy and looked away before I could see if it was reciprocated...but...I still felt pretty damn brave.

Notes on my Weigh-In and Weight Watchers Meeting From Tuesday:  I was down 4.4 pounds.  At 331.4.  I think I originally said my weight last week was 335.5...that was incorrect.  It was 335.8.  Let it be noted here that as I typed 331.4, I automatically always type my weight as 1__._.  I always put that 1 in the hundreds place for some reason.  Probably because I can't imagine how in the world I got to this place that I'm at.  Now back to my weigh-in.  I was really disappointed.  Silly, huh?  4.4 pounds is actually really good and very reasonable for a first week.  I had really hoped to be back in the 20s, I guess.  Additionally, it just made me realize how much weight I have to lose and how far I have to go.  But I keep trying to tell myself, that no matter what, time is still going to pass.  I might as well pass it losing instead of gaining or staying stagnant.  That's all I really have to say about that.

The meeting topic was about incorporating more movement into your day.  I really haven't gotten back on the workout bandwagon yet.  I know it's coming, but I'm just not ready.  A big part of that is that I just started back to work this past week (I'm a teacher) and I'm trying to get into the groove of that.  I don't want to have unreasonable expectations for myself, because unreasonable expectations begets failure if past experience is any indicator.

However, I had already been doing one of the biggest things they suggested.  Parking further away to get even just a few more steps in, because those steps really do add up.  So I will continue to focus on that this week.

Some Words About Today:  As far as healthy eating and habits go, today pretty much sucked.  It wasn't the worst it could have been, but I ate way too much.  I did count all my points and didn't go over my weekly allowance, so there is that, which is a HUGE plus.  I felt very out of control.  No...very is not the right word.  Very out of control means entire containers of sweets and other such atrocities.  I just didn't do as well as I should have.  But I can't dwell on it, because just like unreasonable expections, dwelling begets failure.  So, having recognized that I was eating for all the wrong reasons - work stress, worrying about my grandmother, and so on, I formulated a plan for the future when I find myself eating things I know probably aren't the best choice or find myself eating when I'm really not hungry or find myself wanting to overeat. 

I will stop and ask myself:  Why do I want to eat this?  How will I feel after I eat this?  Is there a healthier alternative I could eat instead?  Is eating this worth the Points Plus I'll spend and/or worth feeling bad about it immediately after?  I think it's a good plan.  We'll give it a whirl the next couple of days, because I'm sure I'll find myself feeling pretty challenged with all the stuff that's going on over the next two weeks. 

And on that note, I'll leave you with this, my favorite quote (I even made it into a wall hanging for my bedroom):  "You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

What I Ate Yesterday and What I've Thought About Today

My official weigh in weight yesterday:  335.8 pounds.  I didn't cry.  I didn't scream.  I didn't even feel nauseated over it.  If anything, I felt numb.  But mostly, I think it didn't bother me as much, because I'm tired.  I'm tired of the weight and I'm READY.  Ready for it to go away and never come back.

At 335.8, I am entitled to 51 daily points in addition to my 49 weekly points.  I planned ahead Monday night and I stuck to it.

Now, the reason I'm talking about what I ate yesterday and not what I ate today is completely superficial - I took photographs of almost all my food yesterday.  And I feel like I need to share those with you.  But please forgive my addiction to Instagram.

Breakfast:  9 Points Plus

1 serving old fashioned oatmeal cooked in water
1 tbsp reduced fat peanut butter
1 tsp brown sugar
1 cup coffee
1/2 cup 2% milk

Oatmeal 1 tsp brown sugar, 1 tbsp reduced fat = oatmeal that tastes like a cookie.  So good!

I'm sure you can't tell from the AMAZING quality of these photos, but I am not a professional photographer.  And yes, that is Mickey Mouse gracing the front of my coffee mug.


2 cups romaine lettuce
1/4 cup red onion
1/4 cup bell pepper
1/4 cup garlic hummus
1/2 avocado
LARGE unsweetened McDonald's Iced Tea (they have the BEST iced tea!!!)

The iced tea of champions!


1 Kim's Magic Pop
2 tbsp Nutella


Weight Watchers Crusted Honey Mustard Chicken
mashed potatoes

NOT the best picture in the world, admittedly, but the chicken was delish!

Today was equally good, my friends.  I'm feeling so motivated, so in control, like I can do anything.  We had a work "retreat" today that started after lunch.  In the past, I probably would have grabbed some fast food and eaten it on the way or once I arrived.  Not today.  I made myself a big salad with light sour cream, homemade guacamole, salsa, and lots of veggies.  I didn't touch (and didn't want) any of the chocolate or party mix that was sitting on our table.  I had originally intended to stay for the dinner, but ended up leaving beforehand and making myself a vegetarian buritto with more veggies for dinner.  And I finished it all off with a chocolate frozen yogurt from Braum's (omg!  can't believe how good that was).  And for the first time, in a long time, I can honestly, honestly say there is not one thing in the past 3 days that I have eaten that I have been ashamed of. 

And I'm also noticing that I really, really want to start moving again.  And right now, it's just a matter of working it into my day.

So, tomorrow's another day.  Lunch is provided at work, so wish me luck! 

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

What I've Been Up To...

I'm feeling very tired tonight, but feeling like I need to say something.  Anything.  So, here I am and hopefully the words will come to me in some form.

First, a confession:  Couch to 5K and I did not meet up on Saturday.  I didn't even put on those old, rundown running shoes.  However, I did go for a walk.  A brief one, but a walk, all the same.  And I wore my flip flops.

I think I reached a breaking point sitting in IHOP Saturday night.  I can't believe how incredibly uncomfortable I felt in my own skin.  And that feeling was very strong.   It's the kind of feeling you get before something big happens.  It was a scary feeling and a huge relief.  But I wasn't there just yet. 

Aftera couple of days of being a horribly irritable and ridiculously unpleasant person...due to feeling miserable, mouth pain, frustration, and just general horribleness...I mustered up some sort of courage, because I began making plans.  Plans for meals, plans for seeking some sort of counceling, plans for going back to Weight Watchers, plans for joining a gym. 


And today, I ate really well.  I told myself, I would try it out just for today.  And I ate things like this delicious salad.

And I rejoined Weight Watchers. 

And I filled a grocery cart full of things that would make Jillian Michaels weep from its sheer beauty.

And I made plans for tomorrow. 

And tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up and tell myself, I can do this.  Just for today, I can do this. 

Friday, August 10, 2012

What Happens Next...

I'm feeling like tomorrow morning will be the exact moment in time when you and I become friends again, running shoes and Couch to 5K app...

I had my wisdom teeth pulled last week and I've felt like eating nothing but mashed potatoes and ice cream for the past week.  I haven't just eaten mashed potatoes and ice cream, but I've wanted to.  And in wanting to only eat those two things, I haven't wanted to eat other things, so somehow that has led me to eating things that are just there and usually "just there" in this house means "processed, salt-laden, sugar filled, and full-of-fat". 

All that has led to stepping on the scale and seeing that I have reached a weight of "Err".  Meaning I'm back over 330.  The high end of the scale is 330 pounds and my weight is an Err.  An error.  There are so many things right with how that sounds and so many things wrong with how that is.