Monday, January 20, 2014

The Damn Truth

I'm tired of do-overs.

I'm tired of picking myself back up, dusting myself off and forging bravely on.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of lugging all this weight around.

I'm tired of trying to delicately turn my 350 pound body over in bed in the morning to arise for the day.

I'm tired of plantar fasicitis (no idea if I spelled that correctly) and sciatica and aches and pains throughout my body due to the excess pounds.

I'm tired of trying to fit myself into and get myself out of restaurant booths with any sort of grace (and failing miserably).

I'm so bleeping tired of all of it.

Now...for the reality check...

My last post, I talked about following Andi's plan for her mom (found here).  I did that, pretty closely, and did that pretty well for about 4 weeks and lost several pounds, the total of which has already escaped me.  Then the holidays came along.  And my realization that the relationship I had talked myself into was never going to work.  And I ate.  And I ate a lot.

I ended my relationship on New Year's Eve, after just four short months.  A record for me - I usually hang on to the bitter end.  This was a huge victory for me.  I realized I deserved better.  This girl was so great.  Very sweet and giving and  we had so much in common.  But there were some underlying issues and truth be told, I just didn't feel the same way that she did.  And I couldn't spend any more time leading her to believe that I did or that I might.  There's really nothing lonelier than being in a relationship you don't really want to be in.  So, I chose being single.

And I'm really okay with that.  And this time, I'm holding out.  For the one.  The one person that I can love so hard and so completely that loves me back the same.  And hopefully, that person is out there.  And if not, that's okay.  Because I have had love and I have been loved.  Maybe not the way I have wanted or have wished for all the time, but I have had it.  Right now, it's all about me.

So, 2014 started with a clean slate.  And honestly, I've been doing pretty well!  I haven't been perfect, but I have lost some weight.  My scale screamed that unforgiving "E" for "Error" at me for about 2 weeks.  I estimate my weight was again anywhere from 355 to 365.  But now I'm actually seeing numbers again.  352 today.  It's going to be slow going.  But I will not ever allow myself back to the place of "Error" again.  I say that and it scares me, because what if I fail?

I guess I say all that to say this.  I'm not making promises anymore.  I'll do the best I can and approach each day with the attitude of this is a new day.  I want to move more.  I want to keep eating my fruits and veggies.  I want to lose weight.  I want to be healthier.  I want to move easily.  Everything else is icing on the cake.  (Okay, I'm lying a little bit, because yeah, of course I want to look good too).

This year - I intend to quit smoking (I started using an e-cig in November and am ready to ween myself off of that puppy too).  I intend to find an apartment that I love and furnish it.  I intend to eat more mindfully and healthily.  I intend to move my body more.  I intend to enjoy being on my own.  I intend to research having a child on my own.  I intend to renew my relationship with God.  I intend to trust God that if there is someone out there for me, He will find a way to bring us together.  I intend to listen more - to my body, to my loved ones, to my Lord, to the world around me.  I intend to just be.  I intend to love who I am, mentally, spiritually, physically.  Every last 352 pounds of me.

I am happy.  I am not perfect.  My life is not perfect.  Nothing will ever be perfect.  There are people who want to put me down, who want me to hate myself because I'm fat, because I am a lesbian (or bisexual or whatever the hell it is that I am - I'm still trying to figure that out), because I'm not 20, because I'm a different kind of Christian, because I am me.  But there are people who love me just as I am.  Who know me.  Who want the best for me.  Those are the people that matter.  God made me who I am, flaws and sins and all.  And right in this moment, in all its perfect imperfection, I am happy.  And I love who I am, who I've been, and who I have yet to be.