Thursday, April 11, 2013

Thoughts on Breaking Up

I'm feeling pretty blue tonight.  I'm feeling pretty lost.

That's one of the scarier sides of weight loss for me.  I'm not using food as a buffer, so there's not that big block between me and my emotions.

As I mentioned a few posts back, I've just gone through a break up.  I think in the beginning, I was very much in denial and told myself this was temporary.  But as time passes, I'm realizing it's not.  This was the person I really thought I was going to share my life and my home and build a family with.  This was supposed to be "the one".  But it just wasn't working.  For many reasons. 

So now, for the first time in my life, I'm truly embarking upon a life as a single woman.  Prior to this, I was single for maybe a total of four months in my adult life.   I've been something of a serial monogamist.  I just can't see myself moving on to another relationship anytime in the near future, if ever.  And that makes me sad.  And it makes me scared.  It's time to lean on me and that's probably the scariest piece of all.  What if I am alone for the rest of my life?  What if I am completely unloveable?  What if I am completely incapable of truly loving another person? 

I think it would be different if I was younger, but then, maybe not.  I'm rapidly approaching 40 and about to hit the end of my viable child bearing years.  I've thought a lot the past week or so about making a conscious choice to become a single mother.  It's not something that's in the cards for at least a year or two (I'm currently 37), just because finances and my living situation need to be put in order.  I'll make up my mind that this is what I'm going to do, then I mourn the loss of the life I thought I was going to live.  Creating a home and a life and a family with a partner.  And of course, I am still grieving for the loss of my relationship, even if it was my choice to leave. 

It's hitting me harder the past few days.  Just little, little things that I miss about her and about us.  And honestly, I question whether I have made a horrible mistake.  But the worst thing I think I could do right now is try to make amends, because I have no doubt I would only face rejection and that would make it all so much more painful and difficult.  And I can't go through that again.  I haven't really allowed myself to think too much or to grieve too hard.  I've pushed it all down and tried to ignore it, knowing it would eventually catch up with me.  And I think it's beginning to now.

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