Exes and Motivation Part 1

First of all, I will go ahead and get this out of the way:

Guess what, Guys??  I went back to Weight Watchers yesterday.  Again!  Do you ever get tired of seeing me say that?  Because I do.

Anyway....

Today, I'm feeling insanely motivated.  Here's why (go ahead and settle in for a long, boring story) -

My first girlfriend, who probably to this day I still see as the love of my life, and I were together for over nine years.  We broke up probably 15 times, before the break-up actually sticking in the fall of 2008.  I haven't spoken to her since December of that year.  So, roughly 6 years have passed...

A lot has happened to me in that time.  I've had many more failed relationships.  I have lost a ton of weight and gained back all that weight and then some.  I injured my back.  I became an auntie.  I've made new friends.  Facebook happened.

Yeah, Facebook.

This particular ex (let's call her "J" and I were never Facebook friends.  We have no friends in common.  She was never friends with any of my Facebook friends.  Yet, somehow, mysteriously, Facebook decided we were somehow connected and sent me a friend suggestion with her name attached.

The first time this happened was about three years ago.  I was in no way equipped to deal with seeing her photo pop up on my computer screen.  Then, oddly, my sister also received her as a friend suggestion a couple of times around that same time.  And that was it.

Well, the past few weeks, J has been on my mind a lot.  We ended really badly.  I said and did some horrible, shitty things at the end of our relationship.  That's not to say she didn't hurt me too, because she did.  We hurt each other a lot all throughout or relationship, which is why it just didn't work out.  And lo' and behold, Tuesday happens along with the first friend suggestion I've even seen in months.

Yup.  You are correct.  It was J.

I'd been thinking about trying to contact to her for awhile, just to apologize for how things ended, to let her know I wished her well.  So, when I saw her name, that's what I did.  And then I friend requested her.  Seven minutes later, she'd accepted my request.  We still haven't spoken, though.  I don't know if she saw my message or she just doesn't know what to say or just doesn't want to say anything.

However, I think most of you will agree that when an ex you haven't seen or spoken to for several years suddenly makes her or his Facebook profile available to you, you're probably going to do a little creepery stalking.  If you disagree, I am willing to bet you are a big, fat liar!

So, in my stalking I learned several things about this newer, older, probably wiser and more worldly version of J.  She works out.  A lot.  She does 5Ks and other crazy ass events.  She looks great.  She looks happy.  She appears to have a really good job and a really nice place to live.  She has cats (that weirds me out like you wouldn't believe).  And she has apparently taken up swear words, something she used to chastise me for constantly, as I cuss like a sailor and always have.  There were other things, too.  But of course, what struck me is that she, by the looks of it anyway, is at her best.

And I'm just about damn near rock bottom.

Try as I might not to compare myself to her, it's hard.  This is someone I knew and loved for almost a decade.  This is someone I shared my home and my life with for five years.  It's surreal to see how she's changed.  It's like being in a time warp.  And it's exceedingly difficult to know that for all the wonderful things her life appears to be, mine is the polar opposite in just about every way.

I'm so unhappy with this person that I am.  And seeing her look so happy has really inspired me to be the best me I can be.