Wednesday, October 17, 2012

More On Fear

There is a wonderful podcast out there called "Yell at Your Fat".  Sadly, the hostess quit doing podcasts about 3 years ago, but I continually hold out hope she'll start up again.  I know it's a falst hope.  I'm not really sure why she stopped.  She's on my Facebook, so I know she's still out there bustin' a move.  She always posts race pictures, so it's not from falling off the wagon...but I digress...

This podcast was so vital in a previous weight loss effort several years ago.  I've put off listening to them again knowing it would only depress me, because I loved it so much and didn't want to get all addicted to it again knowing there would only be a handful of episodes.  But I bit the bullet and started listening again anyway while working out and on my drives to and from work.

There was something Wendy said in the second episode that really hit home with me.  She was talking about starting.  Just start.  Take the step off the platform and trust that it will work and it will.  And as she said these words I could feel myself taking a step and freefalling.  Freefalling and letting go of all the anxiety and worry and stress and concern that is associated with my weight and the loss there of. 

I think I've said it here before, but this is my last time joining Weight Watchers.  And what I mean by that is I'm not giving up.  I don't care if I lose one pound every year for the rest of my life.  I don't care if I gain a pound every year for the rest of my life.  I am not giving up.  Am I going to screw up?  Hell yes.  Are there going to be days I want to consume and maybe succeed in consuming an entire cake?  Yes.  Does that mean I need to allow out of control behaviors send me spiraling out of control?  No.  I pick myself up, dust myself off, and carry on.

And that's what I've been doing for the past two months. 

My weight loss is insignificant.  I think I've lost 7 pounds since I started.  I weight over 300 lbs.  Obviously I'm not doing something I should be.  I'll have several days where I do just great and then I'll have several more where my eating isn't where it should be.  That's putting it nicely.  It's a rollercoaster.  I thought about this quite a bit yesterday.  Why can't I be consistent.  Why can't I stop this crazy eating.

This is what I came up with.  A lot of times, my binge eating episodes occur on my way home from work.  There are a few reasons why:  I am usually hungry around this time.  But more importantly, there is a lot of anxiety and fear mixed up with that.  I have this crazy fear of being hungry and of having unsatisfied food cravings.  This is my thought process:  "What if I go home, having not eaten something completely fat and calorie laden and I eat dinner and that's all I have for the entire night?"

I mean, really?

What if I just have dinner and nothing else?  That thought sends me into a panic where I want to stuff unholy garbage in my face? 

Here's what I have not solved:  Why?  Why does this "fear", this thought send me in a tailspin?  I'll be keeping this very much in the forefront of my mind this week and especially over the weekend and let you know what I find out.

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