Exes and Motivation Part II

So my first stop back on "The Road to Healthy Inspired by J" was Weight Watchers.  I've still been paying for the monthly pass.  When I went back in March, I went to a daytime meeting as it was during my spring break.  I fell in love with the leader.  So, I went back to the same meeting.  Thankfully the same leader was there and she even remembered me.  That's how amazing this lady is.  I honestly could cry thinking about it.

I've been through many, many, MANY Weight Watchers leaders.  Most of them have been wonderful.  Some of them have just been...meh.  This woman is like the Grand Supreme Amazing Goddess Leader to end all leaders.

She greets you the moment you walk in and makes you feel like an old friend.  She doesn't just say, "Hi, how are you?  Did you have a good week?"  Oh, no.  She asks questions about who YOU are, what makes you tick, what you are struggling with.   It's not something I am able to articulate incredibly well, but her personality is amazing.  It makes my heart hurt that in just a few short weeks, I won't be able to attend her meeting anymore except during breaks.

I left that meeting feeling so inspired and listened to.

To top that off, this woman with striking blue eyes, a really smart suit, and adorable vintage-y hair stopped me after the meeting and asked me if I get told all the time that I look like Vivian Leigh.  She then proceeded to tell me how beautiful I am.  We introduced ourselves, shook hands, and asked if we would both be coming back to the same meeting next week.  This has NEVER happened to me in all my years and years of Weight Watchers.  Did I just make my very first WW friend???

For more inspiration, I took my niece with me to my friend's pool party.  It ended up only being a few ladies I know from work, which was fine by me.  I had not intended to go to a pool party when I left the house and live so far away from the city that going back home to change before going to her place was incredibly unfeasible.  So, I went to the pool in my jeans and quarter length sleeved top.  Me and my 357 pound self.  And of course, they are all in their sexy swimsuits with their normal sized bodies.  I'm glad I went.  I had a good time.  The sunshine did me a lot of good, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel terribly out of place.

However (and there's always a however)....it really did inspire me.  I want to be one of them next summer.  In my bathing suit (probably with some lengthy board shorts on, let's be honest), hanging out in the pool, feeling like a girl instead of like a blob.

Eating wise, I did pretty well that day.

The next day, more inspiration hit.  I needed to update my iTunes playlist with songs that had motivated me in previous years, so I spent about an hour doing that before heading out for a 30 minute walk (in the sweltering Texas heat, no less).

Now...I've been pretty worried about getting back into outdoors walking because this same time last year, I was walking everyday and my back got all kinds of fucked up.  I don't know if the walking was the cause or a catalyst or completely unrelated.  But during my walk, I noticed my back aching in the same way it had last summer.  I'm going to continue to walk and exercise, but I'll keep an eye on it for sure!

I got home and did some gentle yoga poses and stretches to help my back and plan on incorporating this everyday.

The music was a really great motivator and I was kicking myself for not thinking about it before!  I came home sweaty and exhausted, but I felt so amazing.  My mood was boosted tremendously after about a week of feeling pretty depressed.  Sunshine and exercise are such great anti-depressants.

My goal for the next couple of days is to keep walking in the morning followed by stretching and then an indoor video-type workout in the evenings.  The next couple of days will be hard and I'm helping my sister move and unpack and will be staying there with her a day or two, followed by my niece's fourth birthday party!  But I will definitely fit in some fitness whenever I can.

Exes and Motivation Part 1

First of all, I will go ahead and get this out of the way:

Guess what, Guys??  I went back to Weight Watchers yesterday.  Again!  Do you ever get tired of seeing me say that?  Because I do.

Anyway....

Today, I'm feeling insanely motivated.  Here's why (go ahead and settle in for a long, boring story) -

My first girlfriend, who probably to this day I still see as the love of my life, and I were together for over nine years.  We broke up probably 15 times, before the break-up actually sticking in the fall of 2008.  I haven't spoken to her since December of that year.  So, roughly 6 years have passed...

A lot has happened to me in that time.  I've had many more failed relationships.  I have lost a ton of weight and gained back all that weight and then some.  I injured my back.  I became an auntie.  I've made new friends.  Facebook happened.

Yeah, Facebook.

This particular ex (let's call her "J" and I were never Facebook friends.  We have no friends in common.  She was never friends with any of my Facebook friends.  Yet, somehow, mysteriously, Facebook decided we were somehow connected and sent me a friend suggestion with her name attached.

The first time this happened was about three years ago.  I was in no way equipped to deal with seeing her photo pop up on my computer screen.  Then, oddly, my sister also received her as a friend suggestion a couple of times around that same time.  And that was it.

Well, the past few weeks, J has been on my mind a lot.  We ended really badly.  I said and did some horrible, shitty things at the end of our relationship.  That's not to say she didn't hurt me too, because she did.  We hurt each other a lot all throughout or relationship, which is why it just didn't work out.  And lo' and behold, Tuesday happens along with the first friend suggestion I've even seen in months.

Yup.  You are correct.  It was J.

I'd been thinking about trying to contact to her for awhile, just to apologize for how things ended, to let her know I wished her well.  So, when I saw her name, that's what I did.  And then I friend requested her.  Seven minutes later, she'd accepted my request.  We still haven't spoken, though.  I don't know if she saw my message or she just doesn't know what to say or just doesn't want to say anything.

However, I think most of you will agree that when an ex you haven't seen or spoken to for several years suddenly makes her or his Facebook profile available to you, you're probably going to do a little creepery stalking.  If you disagree, I am willing to bet you are a big, fat liar!

So, in my stalking I learned several things about this newer, older, probably wiser and more worldly version of J.  She works out.  A lot.  She does 5Ks and other crazy ass events.  She looks great.  She looks happy.  She appears to have a really good job and a really nice place to live.  She has cats (that weirds me out like you wouldn't believe).  And she has apparently taken up swear words, something she used to chastise me for constantly, as I cuss like a sailor and always have.  There were other things, too.  But of course, what struck me is that she, by the looks of it anyway, is at her best.

And I'm just about damn near rock bottom.

Try as I might not to compare myself to her, it's hard.  This is someone I knew and loved for almost a decade.  This is someone I shared my home and my life with for five years.  It's surreal to see how she's changed.  It's like being in a time warp.  And it's exceedingly difficult to know that for all the wonderful things her life appears to be, mine is the polar opposite in just about every way.

I'm so unhappy with this person that I am.  And seeing her look so happy has really inspired me to be the best me I can be.

Day 6

So I had my first really big cravings today.  Pretty early on, in fact.  Taco Bell.  Ugh.  I hate and love that crap place so damn much. 

I had cereal with a banana for breakfast and did a bunch of reading.  In fact, I finished Designated Fat Girl by Jennifer Joyner this morning.  I just started it yesterday.  Yeah, that's how hard I couldn't put it down.  I could have written that book.  Especially the beginning where she describes the food addiction attack she had where she lies to her husband to leave the house so she can go eat.  I highly recommend it.  I could relate to so much of her struggle.

So, after my reading jag, I came in and it was around noon.  I pushed thoughts of Taco Bell from my mind and made my salad and a tuna fish sandwich.  My salad was exactly the same as yesterday: a mess of romaine, shredded carrots, tomatoes, olives, vinagrette, and chow mein noodles for fun. 

Blogger still hates me and thus, will not allow me to upload photos today.  I've taken so many food pictures too!

I also went on a 36 minute walk today.  My left foot feels weird when I start walking for any length of time.  I don't know if it's my Nikes or what, but it feels tight. 

Saturday, my sister and I are having a joint birthday party.  A few weeks late for her, a few weeks early for me.  Additionally, my niece's 3rd birthday is Sunday and we're having her birthday party that morning.  So, it is a busy birthday filled weekend.  I will be having cake at her party for sure.  I'm planning for it and not even slightly worried about it.  The problem will be if there is any cake leftover that comes back to the house.  I plan to laugh in its face. 

I've noticed I'm very cranky and impatient lately. Okay, who am I fooling?  I'm always cranky and impatient, but it's at an all time high the past few days.  My living situation is complicated as I live with not only my sister and my niece, but also my parents.  Definitely not ideal at almost 38, but it's temporary.  However, everything everyone does is getting on my ever-loving nerves!  Perhaps it stems from not constantly drugging myself with sugar and fat? 

I really haven't had any sweet treats.  The cereal I eat certainly has sugar in it, as does the peanut butter I have for a snack with my apple..but candy bars, cakes, cookies, pastries, etc...I haven't touched any of those since the cookout on Thursday.  And that's highly unusual.  I haven't really missed it!

I know I'm doing so well and I'm so proud of myself, but I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a precipice and will fall over it at any given moment.  Having a binge episode and throwing in the towel all over again scares me to death.  I'm hanging on for dear life.  One little misstep is all takes to send me into chaos.  I'm dealing with so much doubt today.

I find reading blogs (I finished 111 Pounds yesterday) and weight loss related books really is helping keep my motivated.  I also listened to part of an episode of the Half Size Me podcast on my walk today.  I'm going to launch into this blog: Runs For Cookies and this book: Weight Loss Boss now. 

On Exercise

I don't know how many more days I'm going to be doing these multiple posts, but I'm a teacher and have another 5 weeks (I think) off, so....but I will say, it's definitely helping to keep my motivated, even if there is no one out there actually reading other than the spam companies that keep flooding to my blog and driving my stats up!

Okay...so exercise....I completed my second day just now and noticed a few things. 

1.  I'm so super out of shape that the first 10-15 minutes hurts like a mother.  My legs start aching and screaming at me.  And dude, it's not like I'm doing 30 Day Shred.  I'm just doing a little Leslie Sansonne Walk At Home DVD. 

2.  After the first 10-15 minutes (and I mentioned this earlier), my legs hurt less and I start to feel super empowered!

3.  I own a whole library of Leslie Sansonne videos, but I chose this one that I lost a ton of weight with before (also falling a healthy diet, of course), because it reminds me of a time I succeeded.  I have some newer videos, but I smell failure everytime I even glance in their direction, so it will be awhile before I want to pull those puppies out.

Now...onto another topic on my mind called....Running.

I desperately want to be one of those 5K every weekend kind of girls!  I actually did the first run from Couch to 5K three separate times last year, but could never get the courage up to continue.  Of course, I weighed well over 300 pounds then too.  My knees are so incredibly fucked up right now, that I can't even begin to imagine trying to start running again right now.

BUT...it is definitely something I'll be looking forward to once I start shedding these pounds and getting my body back into fighting shape! 

Meanwhile, completed un-weight related (gasp!), I saw World War Z yesterday, which was okay.  It was nothing like the book.  I'm a bit of a zombie freak.  I also love anything post-apocalyptic/dystopia related, so I'm reading a bunch of different young adult series that fall into that category right now.  Currently, I'm reading Matched (I can't remember the author's name) and it's terribly enjoyable.  Very Hunger Games-esque. 

So, if you are out there, please leave me a comment and tell me two things:  1.  What kind of exercise do you like to do and 2.  What kind of books do you enjoy?

Day 5

I have so much I want to say!  I need to keep a notepad next to me at all times to make notes.  Almost everytime I write a post, 30 minutes later I remember something else I wanted to mention.

Firstly, I was just talking to my mom and saying how I was proud of myself that I was on Day 5 and she gave me a hug and told me she was proud of me too.  I also am noticing I'm eating a lot more "real" food as opposed to processed crap.  Just eating all those fresh fruits and vegetables has made me feel more energetic today.

Secondly, I did my first of the three workouts last night.  I invited my little niece along to workout to Leslie Sansonne and she was so cute!  She totally got those sidesteps and kicks down in a hurry.  I told myself I was going to do as much as I could and guess what?  I made it through the whole 30 minutes of the video.  After about the first 10 minutes, I seemed to really get energized and just kept going.  And I've already thrown the workout clothes on for today too, so will be doing another workout today.  Then just one more to go to meet my goal (but I have a sneaking suspicion I'll do more than that. 

I'm feeling so motivated and positive right now.  I know I can do this!  I have almost zero cravings for junk food lately, I keep thinking about how every movement I make is going to add up to feeling fitter and healthier.  I'm thinking ahead to my goals, while really enjoying this journey so far. 

I've been reading a blog from start to finish the past few days...not finished yet, but this girl is amazing and a huge motivation!  111 Pounds  She's lost around 100 pounds and runs all the time and eats healthy vegetarian (mostly from what I've read so far)  food.  She's my inspiration.

Reading blogs of other people who've been through this and succeeded is so helpful!  I am going to catch up with hers, then find another one to read from start to finish, then another...and meanwhile, keep up with the current posts.  There's so much information out there and so many amazing blogs that I get overwhelmed sometimes, so I decided this will be my method.

This morning I made REAL oatmeal on the stovetop, threw in 1/2 tbsp of honey, mashed up a banana in there and threw some strawberries on top.  It was beautiful!  I wish I'd taken a picture!

This afternoon, I'm currently enjoying a salad and  vegetable samosas from Trader Joe's.

My salad:  romaine lettuce, black olives, cherry tomatoes, chow mein noodles, sun-dried tomato basil vinigrette, green hearts, yellow stars....oh, wait...

Trader Joe's Veggie Samosas.  Love this things!

Tonight, I'm making sausage, baked potatoes and fresh green beans with lemon and garlic.  Hopefully I'll remember to take a picture!

Post-Vacation Ramblings

Hi to anyone who might actually be reading this little blog of mine!  A warning in advance, this will be very rambly!

I just back from Florida where I visited the Mouse and hit the beach with my parents, sister, and almost 3 year old niece.  We had a great time.

While I was there, I realized that I am capable of far more physically than I thought.  I walked tons and swam.  I didn't swim as much as I might have in the past just because when you are well over 300 pounds, you don't feel comfortable in a bathing suit.  No...it's more like you don't feel ENTITLED to wear a bathing suit.  So, I was pretty active, but I would also feel that activity in the morning pretty hard.  I was so sore...especially my feet.

Well, I knew it was time to get back ontrack when I got home.  I knew, because all that activity was a great jumping off point to keeping up the activity back home AND because I can literally feel my body disintegrating.  I'm tired of that.

I was going through our photos yesterday and my sister, niece, and I had one taken with Mickey and Minnie.  I'm still picking my jaw up off the floor at how HUGE I am.  I'm seriously just HUGE.  I knew I was really big, but something about seeing it documented in a photograph is quite the wake up call.  My initial instinct was to delete it, but then I started thinking, I need to see that.  Maybe I should make it the wallpaper on my computer screen.  A constant reminder of what I am doing and what needs to be done.

I also had to buy a new scale yesterday, because my old one decided to just completely stop working.  I changed the batteries twice and nothing.  So, I weighed myself on this new scale thinking I'd be back around 340.  No.  350.2. I mean...really??? 

I feel so frustrated, because I know I make these commitments to myself and declare them here and then time and time again, I fail, only to gain back what I've lost and then some.  350.2.  I never thought I would see that number.  That is my highest weight ever.  That's halfway between 300 and 400 pounds.  And it makes me physically ill.  How did this happen?  How did I let this happen?

I went grocery shopping yesterday and did very well.  I had a cart full of produce and chicken and some marinades to keep things changed up.  I have to keep it simple for now.  I was super proud of myself, as I didn't buy anything sugary (other than my all natural peanut butter with honey - there's a confession)...the only snacks I bought were fruit and little Babybel cheeses and the aforementioned peanut butter.  Oh...I did get a bag of those baked Snackum things from Trader Joe's.  They are kind of like Funyons.  I already know that one serving is 4 PP.

I came home and portioned off the chicken and froze it, washed and chopped a GIANT thing of strawberries, and prepared a big bag of salad for lunches.  I had a bunch of errands yesterday, but was still able to make Hawaiian chicken with broccoli.  Of course, I didn't remember to take pictures.  But all I did was marinate a couple of chicken breasts in Lawry's Hawaiian marinade along with a chunkily chopped onion, some garlic, and a can of pineapple in juice.  I cooked it at 375 for about an hour, adding in a bag of prewashed and chopped broccoli at the end.  I served it with some Jasmine rice and it was really very good.  I think the Points Plus value was 12, including a serving of rice.

Right now, I'm trying to create a spreadsheet so I can post my food journals each Friday, so look for that tomorrow.  It will only include W-F of this week.  I'm also giving serious thought to going back to my Weight Watchers meetings.  If I do that, it will happen either tomorrow or Saturday. 

Thanks for reading!

Today's Weigh In

So, I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I'd been feeling very discouraged this past week because my weight was up over my first week weight loss and I just didn't feel like anything was ever going to come off.

But I actually lost .6 and am down to 334.8.  I'm very happy with that considering I didn't think I was going to lose anything!  It's not quite the 1 lb I was hoping for, but that happens.

I did exceptionally well all week, staying in my points and exercising for at least 11 minutes a day...

Yes, 11 minutes. 

The first week, I promised myself I would do 10 minutes a day and this past week, I added a minute.  Guess what?  This week, I'm adding another minute, bringing it to a total of 12 minutes a day.  And I'll keep doing that everyday until I'm up to 30 minutes.  That's my goal for now (and I should reach that sometime this fall, I do believe).  After I hit 30, I'll adjust my goal accordingly.  I think my aim will be anywhere from 30-45 minutes daily.

Lastly, I have a quick and easy salad recipe to share.

I've been doing a lot of indoor grilling lately and marinating boneless, skinless chicken breasts in a homemade southwest marinade.  After marinating for a few hours (or overnight), I throw those puppies on the stove top grill.

Chop the chicken up, throw it on a bed of lettuce with some tomatoes, salsa, guacamole, and a little light sour cream and you've got dinner.  You could also add some cheese in there too, but I chose to forego it.

 

Southwest Marinated Chicken

2-3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
3 cloves crushed garlic
2 tbsp lime juice (lemon would work as well)
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp dried minced onion
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp corriander
salt & pepper to taste

I throw this marinade together with the chicken in a big zip lock bag.  The last time I made it, in fact, I used frozen chicken and just allowed it to thaw in the marinade on the counter during the day and it was perfect.

Thanks for stopping by!

Still Going

Hey all...just a quick post to say I'm still here and I'm still with it. Yesterday was my 14th consecutive day working out and my 13th day staying on program.

I'm a bit of a scale addict, so I weigh myself everyday. I was feeling a but discouraged because despite all my best efforts my number was going up this week. I mean, c'mon!!! I'm exercising everyday, staying in my Points Plus range, ya know?

Thankfully, the scale was back down today. I was very pleased and feeling that all my hard work is paying off. I'll post my official weigh in results Saturday.

I also have a recipe to share this weekend!

My thought for the day comes from something I saw on Pinterest. I can't remember the exact wording but it was something to the effect of: it takes 4 weeks to make changes, 8 weeks to see the changes in yourself, and 12 weeks for other people to notice the changes. Give it 12 weeks.

The "other people" portion does not pertain to my mom who just told me yesterday my face looks thinner. But I think that's just because she smokes crack.*. ;)



*my mom does not really, nor has she ever, smoked crack.

What to Listen to While Walking

Yesterday was my third day in a row of getting back to walking. Oftentimes, I listen to a podcast on my walks. Always, I listen to something. Podcasts keep my brain busy which I appreciate. Especially right now as I have more than one health issue causing me some pain and discomfort during my excursions.

If I'm not listening to a podcast, I'm listening to music. I thought I would share my current playlist as it gave me quite the boost the past couple of days.

The Strokes - 12:51
Kate Miller Heidke - Can't Shake It
Ben Folds - The Frown Song
Caribou - Odessa
Broken Bells - The Ghost Inside
The Kills - Getting Down
The Organ - Let the Bells Ring
MGMT - Electric Feel
Of Montreal - Voltaic Crusher/Undrum to Muted Da

I have a gazillion other songs I could add. These are all fairly fast tempo/upbeat tunes which really helps.

In other news, I'm down almost 8 pounds since Sunday by counting Points+ and getting some walking time in.