Back to Weight Watchers

I'm about to head out to my meeting the week.  I did really well for a couple of days, then helped my sister move and stayed at her new apartment for a few days and it was like a switch was flipped off.  I can eat whatever I want, because I'm not home and it doesn't count.  But it does count, doesn't it?

Is this ever going to end?  Am I ever going to be in a place where I care about my health and well-being enough that I don't allow food and laziness and complacency to come first?

I'm starting to doubt I ever will.

Yesterday was a crazy day.  I've been talking to this girl and lo' and behold, she not only suddenly has a new girlfriend, but she'd been lying to me about the state of her "relationship" with a mutual friend of ours.  I will know from here on out to trust my instincts, because I knew something was off with her from the get-go.  In addition to that, the aforementioned ex that I haven't spoken to in 6 years contacted me via Facebook and we spent the better part of the day in a back and forth conversation.  I followed that up with a phone call from ANOTHER ex who proceeded to tell me that I am "lesbian crack".  Nice!

In any event, all of these things together made me really depressed and really questioning whether or not I will be single for the rest of my life.  A friend reminded me that it's all a rollercoaster.  One day we're up, another day we're down waiting to be back up again.  And he was really right.  I'm feeling pretty positive and not worried about any of it so much today.

I just want to try and focus on myself today.

For today I can make good food choices.  For today I can get in some exercise.  If only for today.

Exes and Motivation Part II

So my first stop back on "The Road to Healthy Inspired by J" was Weight Watchers.  I've still been paying for the monthly pass.  When I went back in March, I went to a daytime meeting as it was during my spring break.  I fell in love with the leader.  So, I went back to the same meeting.  Thankfully the same leader was there and she even remembered me.  That's how amazing this lady is.  I honestly could cry thinking about it.

I've been through many, many, MANY Weight Watchers leaders.  Most of them have been wonderful.  Some of them have just been...meh.  This woman is like the Grand Supreme Amazing Goddess Leader to end all leaders.

She greets you the moment you walk in and makes you feel like an old friend.  She doesn't just say, "Hi, how are you?  Did you have a good week?"  Oh, no.  She asks questions about who YOU are, what makes you tick, what you are struggling with.   It's not something I am able to articulate incredibly well, but her personality is amazing.  It makes my heart hurt that in just a few short weeks, I won't be able to attend her meeting anymore except during breaks.

I left that meeting feeling so inspired and listened to.

To top that off, this woman with striking blue eyes, a really smart suit, and adorable vintage-y hair stopped me after the meeting and asked me if I get told all the time that I look like Vivian Leigh.  She then proceeded to tell me how beautiful I am.  We introduced ourselves, shook hands, and asked if we would both be coming back to the same meeting next week.  This has NEVER happened to me in all my years and years of Weight Watchers.  Did I just make my very first WW friend???

For more inspiration, I took my niece with me to my friend's pool party.  It ended up only being a few ladies I know from work, which was fine by me.  I had not intended to go to a pool party when I left the house and live so far away from the city that going back home to change before going to her place was incredibly unfeasible.  So, I went to the pool in my jeans and quarter length sleeved top.  Me and my 357 pound self.  And of course, they are all in their sexy swimsuits with their normal sized bodies.  I'm glad I went.  I had a good time.  The sunshine did me a lot of good, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel terribly out of place.

However (and there's always a however)....it really did inspire me.  I want to be one of them next summer.  In my bathing suit (probably with some lengthy board shorts on, let's be honest), hanging out in the pool, feeling like a girl instead of like a blob.

Eating wise, I did pretty well that day.

The next day, more inspiration hit.  I needed to update my iTunes playlist with songs that had motivated me in previous years, so I spent about an hour doing that before heading out for a 30 minute walk (in the sweltering Texas heat, no less).

Now...I've been pretty worried about getting back into outdoors walking because this same time last year, I was walking everyday and my back got all kinds of fucked up.  I don't know if the walking was the cause or a catalyst or completely unrelated.  But during my walk, I noticed my back aching in the same way it had last summer.  I'm going to continue to walk and exercise, but I'll keep an eye on it for sure!

I got home and did some gentle yoga poses and stretches to help my back and plan on incorporating this everyday.

The music was a really great motivator and I was kicking myself for not thinking about it before!  I came home sweaty and exhausted, but I felt so amazing.  My mood was boosted tremendously after about a week of feeling pretty depressed.  Sunshine and exercise are such great anti-depressants.

My goal for the next couple of days is to keep walking in the morning followed by stretching and then an indoor video-type workout in the evenings.  The next couple of days will be hard and I'm helping my sister move and unpack and will be staying there with her a day or two, followed by my niece's fourth birthday party!  But I will definitely fit in some fitness whenever I can.

Exes and Motivation Part 1

First of all, I will go ahead and get this out of the way:

Guess what, Guys??  I went back to Weight Watchers yesterday.  Again!  Do you ever get tired of seeing me say that?  Because I do.

Anyway....

Today, I'm feeling insanely motivated.  Here's why (go ahead and settle in for a long, boring story) -

My first girlfriend, who probably to this day I still see as the love of my life, and I were together for over nine years.  We broke up probably 15 times, before the break-up actually sticking in the fall of 2008.  I haven't spoken to her since December of that year.  So, roughly 6 years have passed...

A lot has happened to me in that time.  I've had many more failed relationships.  I have lost a ton of weight and gained back all that weight and then some.  I injured my back.  I became an auntie.  I've made new friends.  Facebook happened.

Yeah, Facebook.

This particular ex (let's call her "J" and I were never Facebook friends.  We have no friends in common.  She was never friends with any of my Facebook friends.  Yet, somehow, mysteriously, Facebook decided we were somehow connected and sent me a friend suggestion with her name attached.

The first time this happened was about three years ago.  I was in no way equipped to deal with seeing her photo pop up on my computer screen.  Then, oddly, my sister also received her as a friend suggestion a couple of times around that same time.  And that was it.

Well, the past few weeks, J has been on my mind a lot.  We ended really badly.  I said and did some horrible, shitty things at the end of our relationship.  That's not to say she didn't hurt me too, because she did.  We hurt each other a lot all throughout or relationship, which is why it just didn't work out.  And lo' and behold, Tuesday happens along with the first friend suggestion I've even seen in months.

Yup.  You are correct.  It was J.

I'd been thinking about trying to contact to her for awhile, just to apologize for how things ended, to let her know I wished her well.  So, when I saw her name, that's what I did.  And then I friend requested her.  Seven minutes later, she'd accepted my request.  We still haven't spoken, though.  I don't know if she saw my message or she just doesn't know what to say or just doesn't want to say anything.

However, I think most of you will agree that when an ex you haven't seen or spoken to for several years suddenly makes her or his Facebook profile available to you, you're probably going to do a little creepery stalking.  If you disagree, I am willing to bet you are a big, fat liar!

So, in my stalking I learned several things about this newer, older, probably wiser and more worldly version of J.  She works out.  A lot.  She does 5Ks and other crazy ass events.  She looks great.  She looks happy.  She appears to have a really good job and a really nice place to live.  She has cats (that weirds me out like you wouldn't believe).  And she has apparently taken up swear words, something she used to chastise me for constantly, as I cuss like a sailor and always have.  There were other things, too.  But of course, what struck me is that she, by the looks of it anyway, is at her best.

And I'm just about damn near rock bottom.

Try as I might not to compare myself to her, it's hard.  This is someone I knew and loved for almost a decade.  This is someone I shared my home and my life with for five years.  It's surreal to see how she's changed.  It's like being in a time warp.  And it's exceedingly difficult to know that for all the wonderful things her life appears to be, mine is the polar opposite in just about every way.

I'm so unhappy with this person that I am.  And seeing her look so happy has really inspired me to be the best me I can be.

The Damn Truth

I'm tired of do-overs.

I'm tired of picking myself back up, dusting myself off and forging bravely on.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of lugging all this weight around.

I'm tired of trying to delicately turn my 350 pound body over in bed in the morning to arise for the day.

I'm tired of plantar fasicitis (no idea if I spelled that correctly) and sciatica and aches and pains throughout my body due to the excess pounds.

I'm tired of trying to fit myself into and get myself out of restaurant booths with any sort of grace (and failing miserably).

I'm so bleeping tired of all of it.

Now...for the reality check...

My last post, I talked about following Andi's plan for her mom (found here).  I did that, pretty closely, and did that pretty well for about 4 weeks and lost several pounds, the total of which has already escaped me.  Then the holidays came along.  And my realization that the relationship I had talked myself into was never going to work.  And I ate.  And I ate a lot.

I ended my relationship on New Year's Eve, after just four short months.  A record for me - I usually hang on to the bitter end.  This was a huge victory for me.  I realized I deserved better.  This girl was so great.  Very sweet and giving and  we had so much in common.  But there were some underlying issues and truth be told, I just didn't feel the same way that she did.  And I couldn't spend any more time leading her to believe that I did or that I might.  There's really nothing lonelier than being in a relationship you don't really want to be in.  So, I chose being single.

And I'm really okay with that.  And this time, I'm holding out.  For the one.  The one person that I can love so hard and so completely that loves me back the same.  And hopefully, that person is out there.  And if not, that's okay.  Because I have had love and I have been loved.  Maybe not the way I have wanted or have wished for all the time, but I have had it.  Right now, it's all about me.

So, 2014 started with a clean slate.  And honestly, I've been doing pretty well!  I haven't been perfect, but I have lost some weight.  My scale screamed that unforgiving "E" for "Error" at me for about 2 weeks.  I estimate my weight was again anywhere from 355 to 365.  But now I'm actually seeing numbers again.  352 today.  It's going to be slow going.  But I will not ever allow myself back to the place of "Error" again.  I say that and it scares me, because what if I fail?

I guess I say all that to say this.  I'm not making promises anymore.  I'll do the best I can and approach each day with the attitude of this is a new day.  I want to move more.  I want to keep eating my fruits and veggies.  I want to lose weight.  I want to be healthier.  I want to move easily.  Everything else is icing on the cake.  (Okay, I'm lying a little bit, because yeah, of course I want to look good too).

This year - I intend to quit smoking (I started using an e-cig in November and am ready to ween myself off of that puppy too).  I intend to find an apartment that I love and furnish it.  I intend to eat more mindfully and healthily.  I intend to move my body more.  I intend to enjoy being on my own.  I intend to research having a child on my own.  I intend to renew my relationship with God.  I intend to trust God that if there is someone out there for me, He will find a way to bring us together.  I intend to listen more - to my body, to my loved ones, to my Lord, to the world around me.  I intend to just be.  I intend to love who I am, mentally, spiritually, physically.  Every last 352 pounds of me.

I am happy.  I am not perfect.  My life is not perfect.  Nothing will ever be perfect.  There are people who want to put me down, who want me to hate myself because I'm fat, because I am a lesbian (or bisexual or whatever the hell it is that I am - I'm still trying to figure that out), because I'm not 20, because I'm a different kind of Christian, because I am me.  But there are people who love me just as I am.  Who know me.  Who want the best for me.  Those are the people that matter.  God made me who I am, flaws and sins and all.  And right in this moment, in all its perfect imperfection, I am happy.  And I love who I am, who I've been, and who I have yet to be.

Chronic Pain

Those of us who deal with chronic pain in any of its forms know that chronic pain is a bitch.

I think I've mentioned here before that about 4 years ago, I injured my back.  It wasn't anything big or dramatic that caused it either.  I'm sure it was a bunch of small things and not lifting things properly for years, but it all went to hell when I lifted a carton of water to move it from one car to another.  I instantly felt really bad pain and had a hard time sitting.  I'd wake up in the morning screaming from the pain, while I tried to sit on the edge of my bed and stand up.  It gradually subsided over the next few weeks, but returned in the form on really bad leg pain about a month later.

The irony of all this was that I had over the previous 4 years lost almost 100 pounds.  I was working out -walking and running and doing some strength training - almost everyday.

I finally, FINALLY took myself to the doctor, had xrays, and an MRI to confirm what I already knew - this was sciatica.  And it was caused by two herniated discs in my lower back, though I couldn't tell you now specifically which ones.  Dealing with this condition was very nearly hell.  Somedays I would have some relief and others were just agony.  I started physical therapy where my PT did all sorts of crazy things to try and help bring me relief - traction, electrotherapy, stretches.  And during this time, I was in so much pain that I just gave up.  The weight I'd worked so hard to lose came back on - 50 pounds of it.

After about a year, the pain subsided pretty much completely with just an occassional twinge.  I wondered sometimes if the pain really had gone away or if I had just gotten so used to it I no longer noticed it.

I can tell you now that it really had gone away, because I seem to have re-injured myself or injured myself all over again in a new way, because the pain I'm experiencing this past week and a half is UNBEARABLE.

I do not sleep at night for more than an hour and fifteen minutes at a time.  If I lie on my right side, which is the side not affected by sciatica, when it's time to wake up/sit up/go to the bathroom/whatever, sitting up and standing up is akin to something I have no words to describe.  It's the most horrible, excrutiating, screaming pain I've ever experienced.  I hobble across the house to the bathroom like I am 150 years old, taking little shuffling, scooting steps, gasping for breath through the pain.

The good news is it does get gradually better over the course of the night.  I still only sleep for about an hour at time, but I've noticed the past 2 or 3 nights I've started having dreams again, which is a good sign I'm getting deeper rest.  Whenever I do wake up, 99% of the time, I pull myself out of bed to go to the bathroom.  I think this has to do with stress.  I think the stress of the pain at night makes my body have to pee.  lol  TMI, perhaps?

The past couple of nights, I've started keeping a written record of my sleep.  I'll record the time I woke up and the approximate time I last fell asleep.  I'll record my pain level and which side I sleep on (sleeping on my left is virtually impossible - I can't fall asleep that way because of the weight on my sciatic leg).  And I have been averaging just over an hour of sleep at a time, usually going back to sleep within 15-20 minutes.  Not very restful at all.

I bought a body pillow last week and have been using that between my knees instead of a standard pillow - doesn't seem to help much.  I take Ibuprofen at such levels that my liver is sure to go into failure by the time I'm 40.  I also invested in a sleep aid called Legatrin, which is a combination of Acetaminophen and some sort of sleep substance.  It's advertised as helping leg and lower back pain.  It lies.  But it does make me drowsy.  I've also taken some naproxen here and there.  Nothing much seems to help.

I ice my back and heating pad my butt and leg frequently.  I even tried putting icy hot all over my leg last night just to see what would happen.  It burned my flesh so good that it did kinda make me forget about the sciatica for a short while.

I've also resorted to a trick a coworker told me about when I had my first bout of sciatica four years ago.  When sitting in a chair, sit with a book under your sciatica side.  And oddly, I feel like that's what cured me the first time.  And it really does bring some relief, I think because of how it angles your spine to where you are compressing those herniated discs back into place and away from your sciatic nerve.  It doesn't always work and you have to give it a good 10-20 minutes before feeling any relief some of the times when it does work.

I say ALLLLLLLL that to say this - I have zero doubt that losing weight would alleviate a lot of my pain.  I feel so completely paralyzed and helpless when I am in this state.  I have not been eating well and as my mom told me she thought I was doing all those years ago, I've been eating my pain to some extent.  What will happen if I continue to do so is that I will way 400 pounds in the blink of an eye and things will just get worse and worse.

So, I'm trying very hard to make good choices.  I'm going to try my damndest to gently workout along with Leslie Sansonne today and tomorrow I'm calling the doctor and making an appointment for ASAP.  I'm just very concerned about having to have another MRI, because I'm doubting my ability to be able to get up off the bed of that thing after lying there on my back for half an hour.

That's my rant for today.

Random Facts

Here is a random list of facts about me:

*I'm obsessed with Mickey Mouse and Walt Disney World.
*I have severe anxiety issues.
*I love my three year old niece as if she was my own child.  In fact, sometimes I forget she's not actually my daughter.
*I want to have a big, girly lesbian wedding with the girl of my dreams (who as far as I can tell, does not exist).
*In addition to my obsession with Mickey & Disney, I'm also very obsessed with pin-up modeling (looking at, not doing...puhlease), 1940s and 1950s fashion and hair styles, and big band, swing, and rockabilly music.
*This fast-approaching school year will be my 9th year as a teacher.
*I turn 38 in two weeks.
*I want children and can feel my biological clock tick, tick, ticking away faster and faster by the second...and I'm not really sure what to do about that at this exact point in time.
*I was named after my grandmother, my great aunt, and my mom.
*Even though I call myself a lesbian, I still find myself attracted to men from time to time.
*I love spending time outdoors, even if it's only to sit on the back porch with a Diet Coke and a book.
*I have a dog - she's a yellow lab mix and my anxiety kicks into overdrive anytime I have to take her to the vet, because she's a holy terror.  Not in a loveable, wacky sort of way - like a demon from hell sort of way.
*I'm both terrified and excitedly hopeful about the future.
*I start a ton of projects with great passion and very seldom see them through.
*I am constantly overwhelmed by all my interests and all the things I want to do to the point that it usually paralyzes me and keeps me from getting anything done at all!

More Frustration...and Some Confessions.

Something snapped last night when I got home and the snacking bug hit me.  I finished off some peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's and a bag of those tasty oniony baked Snack-O's they sell (my niece helped me with those, however).  And so I immediately started thinking about skipping dinner, because I'd already eaten my points (and then some) for the day.  I ended up eating a couple of eggrolls later on, but didn't include the promised veg.  My peanut butter and onion blow out didn't technically include anything plant-like either, because despite being "oniony", I'm pretty sure there's not even a lick of real onion in those suckers anyway.

BUT...I tracked it all anyway.  And yes, I was over.

AND...I didn't weigh myself last night.

BUT...I weighed myself this morning.

HOWEVER...I have met my water quota for the past two days, so that goal I am meeting.  Just not the other two.

So, I was feeling pretty down in the dumps today because of all of that, but also because of the week the States have been going through this week.  First, the Boston Marathon bombings...then the poison envelopes being sent to government officials...and finally, the fertilizer plant explosion in West, Texas, which is just 10 or 15 miles south of my home.  And yes, we felt the explosion here.

So all those things are making me sad.  And the feeling of abject terror at once again failing at weight loss has made it all the sadder. 

My sister asked me to dine at IHOP with her and my niece this evening, so I went...armed with my 31 remaining daily points...and ordered an omelette and pancakes.  Definitely not the best choice.  But I noticed that I did not eat until I was stuffed past the point of oblivion.  I stopped.  And then I came home and looked up the points for those suckers and tracked them.  I was over my points again. 

Now what?

Well, I pick myself up, shake the dirt off my ass, and keep going.  This is how I have to live.  This is not just now.  It's forever.  Whether I stay at 334 pounds for the rest of my life or the weight comes off, this is how I have to live.  I cannot eat myself to death any longer.  Yes, there are going to be shitty days when I overeat.  And yes, there are going to be shitty days when I want to eat an entire cake (today, btw, was one of those days - but I didn't eat the cake).  But guess what?  There will be MORE days when I make the best choices I can.  There will be days I drink all my water and eat plenty of foods that grow out of the ground and don't obsess over my weight (that last one might be a lie...time will tell).  The key is not letting small set backs become huge set backs.  And I feel like for the first time in a very long time, I'm able to prevent just that from happening. 

Thoughts on Breaking Up

I'm feeling pretty blue tonight.  I'm feeling pretty lost.

That's one of the scarier sides of weight loss for me.  I'm not using food as a buffer, so there's not that big block between me and my emotions.

As I mentioned a few posts back, I've just gone through a break up.  I think in the beginning, I was very much in denial and told myself this was temporary.  But as time passes, I'm realizing it's not.  This was the person I really thought I was going to share my life and my home and build a family with.  This was supposed to be "the one".  But it just wasn't working.  For many reasons. 

So now, for the first time in my life, I'm truly embarking upon a life as a single woman.  Prior to this, I was single for maybe a total of four months in my adult life.   I've been something of a serial monogamist.  I just can't see myself moving on to another relationship anytime in the near future, if ever.  And that makes me sad.  And it makes me scared.  It's time to lean on me and that's probably the scariest piece of all.  What if I am alone for the rest of my life?  What if I am completely unloveable?  What if I am completely incapable of truly loving another person? 

I think it would be different if I was younger, but then, maybe not.  I'm rapidly approaching 40 and about to hit the end of my viable child bearing years.  I've thought a lot the past week or so about making a conscious choice to become a single mother.  It's not something that's in the cards for at least a year or two (I'm currently 37), just because finances and my living situation need to be put in order.  I'll make up my mind that this is what I'm going to do, then I mourn the loss of the life I thought I was going to live.  Creating a home and a life and a family with a partner.  And of course, I am still grieving for the loss of my relationship, even if it was my choice to leave. 

It's hitting me harder the past few days.  Just little, little things that I miss about her and about us.  And honestly, I question whether I have made a horrible mistake.  But the worst thing I think I could do right now is try to make amends, because I have no doubt I would only face rejection and that would make it all so much more painful and difficult.  And I can't go through that again.  I haven't really allowed myself to think too much or to grieve too hard.  I've pushed it all down and tried to ignore it, knowing it would eventually catch up with me.  And I think it's beginning to now.

What Am I Afraid Of?

I’ve been plagued by this nagging feeling for a couple of years now that I’m terrified of losing weight.  To people who’ve never had a weight problem, that sounds ridiculous.  But to those of us who have (and I have spoken to and read things written by other people to this end) it’s very much a reality.

So what is it about losing weight that I’m so afraid of?

That I’ll fail.  I’ve lost and gained and lost and gained all of my adult life.  Going back to 11 or 12 years of age, I remember trying to lose weight and going on one diet or another.  So why would this time be any different?  Since the weight came back on over the past 3 years, I’ve made attempts at losing again.  I’ve probably started somewhere in the vicinity of 50 times in the past 3 years to get back on the wagon.  The most I’ve lost is maybe 15 lbs, then I throw in the towel and gain it all back and then some.  I’ve done this before.  It was hard.  It took a long time.  Doing it again overwhelms me and is daunting.

The commitment.  Weight loss is a commitment.  It’s hard work.  It takes planning, it takes time, it takes patience.  It takes self-control:  that ability to step back mentally from that giant container of ice cream and say, “I think I’ll just have one small scoop right now, instead of the entire thing in one sitting.”  I’ve never been fully able to grasp the whole “lifestyle change” concept.  I understand it.  It makes sense.  It looks good on paper.  But putting it into practice, for me, has not been fruitful.  Yet.

I’ll lose my excuse for not living.  “I can’t do that.  I’m too fat.”  It’s the refrain that plays in my mind over and over again.  Like going to a special salon for a haircut.  I’m too fat to go there, so I don’t have to.  Trying a new bar?  Forget it.  I’m too fat.  Lounging by the pool.  Oh, hahaha, don’t be silly.  I can’t do that.  I’m too fat.  The list goes on.

People will see me.  This is the biggie.  This is the one that hits the bull’s eye.  I won’t be invisible anymore.  My fat is my shield.  It keeps people at bay.  It’s my excuse for not allowing anyone to get too close.  Most of this, I know, is in my head.  Such as this list of why fat is my shield from people:  It’s the reason my girlfriend will leave me, instead of leaving me for any other reason.  My fat keeps attackers away.  My fat keeps people from wanting to get to know me.  My fat keeps new friends from asking me to go places. 

There comes a point when you have to take a risk with all things in life.  If I fail, so what?  If people see me, that’s okay.  Living life is why I’m here.  I’m ready for a change in the way I do things with food and exercise.  In the grand scheme of things, there are far more valid reasons to be afraid.