I attended my WW meeting on Wednesday and was shocked to find I'd lost 1.8 lbs. This was just the motivation I needed to keep me going. I've done very well these past two and a half days and feel positive I will see another loss on next Wednesday.
Meanwhile, I'm pretty much keeping to myself. I think I've had enough relationship drama for one week (or month, or lifetime...). I've renewed my commitment to being single for a good while to come. If someone spectacular falls into my lap, great. Otherwise, there will be no pursuing of relationships from me for at least the next year. That should give me plenty of time to focus on me, my health, my weight loss, my upcoming move, and the potential of looking into getting preggers later next year (more on that at a later date).
Friday, July 18, 2014
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Back to Weight Watchers
I'm about to head out to my meeting the week. I did really well for a couple of days, then helped my sister move and stayed at her new apartment for a few days and it was like a switch was flipped off. I can eat whatever I want, because I'm not home and it doesn't count. But it does count, doesn't it?
Is this ever going to end? Am I ever going to be in a place where I care about my health and well-being enough that I don't allow food and laziness and complacency to come first?
I'm starting to doubt I ever will.
Yesterday was a crazy day. I've been talking to this girl and lo' and behold, she not only suddenly has a new girlfriend, but she'd been lying to me about the state of her "relationship" with a mutual friend of ours. I will know from here on out to trust my instincts, because I knew something was off with her from the get-go. In addition to that, the aforementioned ex that I haven't spoken to in 6 years contacted me via Facebook and we spent the better part of the day in a back and forth conversation. I followed that up with a phone call from ANOTHER ex who proceeded to tell me that I am "lesbian crack". Nice!
In any event, all of these things together made me really depressed and really questioning whether or not I will be single for the rest of my life. A friend reminded me that it's all a rollercoaster. One day we're up, another day we're down waiting to be back up again. And he was really right. I'm feeling pretty positive and not worried about any of it so much today.
I just want to try and focus on myself today.
For today I can make good food choices. For today I can get in some exercise. If only for today.
Is this ever going to end? Am I ever going to be in a place where I care about my health and well-being enough that I don't allow food and laziness and complacency to come first?
I'm starting to doubt I ever will.
Yesterday was a crazy day. I've been talking to this girl and lo' and behold, she not only suddenly has a new girlfriend, but she'd been lying to me about the state of her "relationship" with a mutual friend of ours. I will know from here on out to trust my instincts, because I knew something was off with her from the get-go. In addition to that, the aforementioned ex that I haven't spoken to in 6 years contacted me via Facebook and we spent the better part of the day in a back and forth conversation. I followed that up with a phone call from ANOTHER ex who proceeded to tell me that I am "lesbian crack". Nice!
In any event, all of these things together made me really depressed and really questioning whether or not I will be single for the rest of my life. A friend reminded me that it's all a rollercoaster. One day we're up, another day we're down waiting to be back up again. And he was really right. I'm feeling pretty positive and not worried about any of it so much today.
I just want to try and focus on myself today.
For today I can make good food choices. For today I can get in some exercise. If only for today.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
An Assortment of Random Food Pictures From the Past Several Days
Grocery Shopping a la Weight Watchers' Simple Start
Breakfast Pizzas Pre-Oven (one egg scrambled, on a light English muffin, topped with tomato slices and 1/3 cup shredded cheese...YUM!)
Breakfast Pizzas on a Plate
Greek Salad and Greek Yogurt with Strawberries - AKA the meal that made me realize I can't do this Simple Start shizz. I need flavor in my life. Hello again, Points Tracking.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Exes and Motivation Part II
So my first stop back on "The Road to Healthy Inspired by J" was Weight Watchers. I've still been paying for the monthly pass. When I went back in March, I went to a daytime meeting as it was during my spring break. I fell in love with the leader. So, I went back to the same meeting. Thankfully the same leader was there and she even remembered me. That's how amazing this lady is. I honestly could cry thinking about it.
I've been through many, many, MANY Weight Watchers leaders. Most of them have been wonderful. Some of them have just been...meh. This woman is like the Grand Supreme Amazing Goddess Leader to end all leaders.
She greets you the moment you walk in and makes you feel like an old friend. She doesn't just say, "Hi, how are you? Did you have a good week?" Oh, no. She asks questions about who YOU are, what makes you tick, what you are struggling with. It's not something I am able to articulate incredibly well, but her personality is amazing. It makes my heart hurt that in just a few short weeks, I won't be able to attend her meeting anymore except during breaks.
I left that meeting feeling so inspired and listened to.
To top that off, this woman with striking blue eyes, a really smart suit, and adorable vintage-y hair stopped me after the meeting and asked me if I get told all the time that I look like Vivian Leigh. She then proceeded to tell me how beautiful I am. We introduced ourselves, shook hands, and asked if we would both be coming back to the same meeting next week. This has NEVER happened to me in all my years and years of Weight Watchers. Did I just make my very first WW friend???
For more inspiration, I took my niece with me to my friend's pool party. It ended up only being a few ladies I know from work, which was fine by me. I had not intended to go to a pool party when I left the house and live so far away from the city that going back home to change before going to her place was incredibly unfeasible. So, I went to the pool in my jeans and quarter length sleeved top. Me and my 357 pound self. And of course, they are all in their sexy swimsuits with their normal sized bodies. I'm glad I went. I had a good time. The sunshine did me a lot of good, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel terribly out of place.
However (and there's always a however)....it really did inspire me. I want to be one of them next summer. In my bathing suit (probably with some lengthy board shorts on, let's be honest), hanging out in the pool, feeling like a girl instead of like a blob.
Eating wise, I did pretty well that day.
The next day, more inspiration hit. I needed to update my iTunes playlist with songs that had motivated me in previous years, so I spent about an hour doing that before heading out for a 30 minute walk (in the sweltering Texas heat, no less).
Now...I've been pretty worried about getting back into outdoors walking because this same time last year, I was walking everyday and my back got all kinds of fucked up. I don't know if the walking was the cause or a catalyst or completely unrelated. But during my walk, I noticed my back aching in the same way it had last summer. I'm going to continue to walk and exercise, but I'll keep an eye on it for sure!
I got home and did some gentle yoga poses and stretches to help my back and plan on incorporating this everyday.
The music was a really great motivator and I was kicking myself for not thinking about it before! I came home sweaty and exhausted, but I felt so amazing. My mood was boosted tremendously after about a week of feeling pretty depressed. Sunshine and exercise are such great anti-depressants.
My goal for the next couple of days is to keep walking in the morning followed by stretching and then an indoor video-type workout in the evenings. The next couple of days will be hard and I'm helping my sister move and unpack and will be staying there with her a day or two, followed by my niece's fourth birthday party! But I will definitely fit in some fitness whenever I can.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Just a quick post to share this video. It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of Andi Mitchell's at Can You Stay For Dinner? I hadn't visited her blog in sometime and came across her TED talk, which was awesome!
Exes and Motivation Part 1
First of all, I will go ahead and get this out of the way:
Guess what, Guys?? I went back to Weight Watchers yesterday. Again! Do you ever get tired of seeing me say that? Because I do.
Anyway....
Today, I'm feeling insanely motivated. Here's why (go ahead and settle in for a long, boring story) -
My first girlfriend, who probably to this day I still see as the love of my life, and I were together for over nine years. We broke up probably 15 times, before the break-up actually sticking in the fall of 2008. I haven't spoken to her since December of that year. So, roughly 6 years have passed...
A lot has happened to me in that time. I've had many more failed relationships. I have lost a ton of weight and gained back all that weight and then some. I injured my back. I became an auntie. I've made new friends. Facebook happened.
Yeah, Facebook.
This particular ex (let's call her "J" and I were never Facebook friends. We have no friends in common. She was never friends with any of my Facebook friends. Yet, somehow, mysteriously, Facebook decided we were somehow connected and sent me a friend suggestion with her name attached.
The first time this happened was about three years ago. I was in no way equipped to deal with seeing her photo pop up on my computer screen. Then, oddly, my sister also received her as a friend suggestion a couple of times around that same time. And that was it.
Well, the past few weeks, J has been on my mind a lot. We ended really badly. I said and did some horrible, shitty things at the end of our relationship. That's not to say she didn't hurt me too, because she did. We hurt each other a lot all throughout or relationship, which is why it just didn't work out. And lo' and behold, Tuesday happens along with the first friend suggestion I've even seen in months.
Yup. You are correct. It was J.
I'd been thinking about trying to contact to her for awhile, just to apologize for how things ended, to let her know I wished her well. So, when I saw her name, that's what I did. And then I friend requested her. Seven minutes later, she'd accepted my request. We still haven't spoken, though. I don't know if she saw my message or she just doesn't know what to say or just doesn't want to say anything.
However, I think most of you will agree that when an ex you haven't seen or spoken to for several years suddenly makes her or his Facebook profile available to you, you're probably going to do a little creepery stalking. If you disagree, I am willing to bet you are a big, fat liar!
So, in my stalking I learned several things about this newer, older, probably wiser and more worldly version of J. She works out. A lot. She does 5Ks and other crazy ass events. She looks great. She looks happy. She appears to have a really good job and a really nice place to live. She has cats (that weirds me out like you wouldn't believe). And she has apparently taken up swear words, something she used to chastise me for constantly, as I cuss like a sailor and always have. There were other things, too. But of course, what struck me is that she, by the looks of it anyway, is at her best.
And I'm just about damn near rock bottom.
Try as I might not to compare myself to her, it's hard. This is someone I knew and loved for almost a decade. This is someone I shared my home and my life with for five years. It's surreal to see how she's changed. It's like being in a time warp. And it's exceedingly difficult to know that for all the wonderful things her life appears to be, mine is the polar opposite in just about every way.
I'm so unhappy with this person that I am. And seeing her look so happy has really inspired me to be the best me I can be.
Guess what, Guys?? I went back to Weight Watchers yesterday. Again! Do you ever get tired of seeing me say that? Because I do.
Anyway....
Today, I'm feeling insanely motivated. Here's why (go ahead and settle in for a long, boring story) -
My first girlfriend, who probably to this day I still see as the love of my life, and I were together for over nine years. We broke up probably 15 times, before the break-up actually sticking in the fall of 2008. I haven't spoken to her since December of that year. So, roughly 6 years have passed...
A lot has happened to me in that time. I've had many more failed relationships. I have lost a ton of weight and gained back all that weight and then some. I injured my back. I became an auntie. I've made new friends. Facebook happened.
Yeah, Facebook.
This particular ex (let's call her "J" and I were never Facebook friends. We have no friends in common. She was never friends with any of my Facebook friends. Yet, somehow, mysteriously, Facebook decided we were somehow connected and sent me a friend suggestion with her name attached.
The first time this happened was about three years ago. I was in no way equipped to deal with seeing her photo pop up on my computer screen. Then, oddly, my sister also received her as a friend suggestion a couple of times around that same time. And that was it.
Well, the past few weeks, J has been on my mind a lot. We ended really badly. I said and did some horrible, shitty things at the end of our relationship. That's not to say she didn't hurt me too, because she did. We hurt each other a lot all throughout or relationship, which is why it just didn't work out. And lo' and behold, Tuesday happens along with the first friend suggestion I've even seen in months.
Yup. You are correct. It was J.
I'd been thinking about trying to contact to her for awhile, just to apologize for how things ended, to let her know I wished her well. So, when I saw her name, that's what I did. And then I friend requested her. Seven minutes later, she'd accepted my request. We still haven't spoken, though. I don't know if she saw my message or she just doesn't know what to say or just doesn't want to say anything.
However, I think most of you will agree that when an ex you haven't seen or spoken to for several years suddenly makes her or his Facebook profile available to you, you're probably going to do a little creepery stalking. If you disagree, I am willing to bet you are a big, fat liar!
So, in my stalking I learned several things about this newer, older, probably wiser and more worldly version of J. She works out. A lot. She does 5Ks and other crazy ass events. She looks great. She looks happy. She appears to have a really good job and a really nice place to live. She has cats (that weirds me out like you wouldn't believe). And she has apparently taken up swear words, something she used to chastise me for constantly, as I cuss like a sailor and always have. There were other things, too. But of course, what struck me is that she, by the looks of it anyway, is at her best.
And I'm just about damn near rock bottom.
Try as I might not to compare myself to her, it's hard. This is someone I knew and loved for almost a decade. This is someone I shared my home and my life with for five years. It's surreal to see how she's changed. It's like being in a time warp. And it's exceedingly difficult to know that for all the wonderful things her life appears to be, mine is the polar opposite in just about every way.
I'm so unhappy with this person that I am. And seeing her look so happy has really inspired me to be the best me I can be.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Happy Easter!
My contribution to the big family Easter meal is roasted asparagus. It's currently roasting in the oven at a cozy 350 degrees F. I washed three bunches last night, trimmed the ends and marinated them in a gallon storage bag with 3 tbsp Canola oil (we were out of Olive), salt, pepper, probably what amounts to a whole head of garlic and about a tbsp of lemon juice. Total roasting time: 45 minutes, turning once or twice.
In other news...
I rejoined WW for what I think is the 25th time. Seriously. I did a mental calculation and I believe I have joined Weight Watchers (in person) TWENTY-FIVE times. This doesn't even take into account the times I've signed up just online.
That was about 6 weeks ago. At last count, I'd lost 11.something pounds. I didn't go to my meeting last Wednesday for two reasons-one being that I had plans with a friend and the other being that the previous weekend had been awful. I have had a really flatout shitty week with food this week, but I'm not letting that stop me. I got up early today and worked out...for only the second time since starting this round of WW.
One final thought. This blog has been in existence for coming up on two years. All that it has seen has been struggle after struggle with no real victory over my weight. I could allow that to depress the hell out of me. Or I could look at it like this-this fight has been one helluva battle. It's been a war my entire life. And weight has beat me down time and time again. But I keep on getting back up on my feet, ready to attack.
This war is not over.
I'm still on the battlefield.
I have not retreated.
Monday, January 20, 2014
The Damn Truth
I'm tired of do-overs.
I'm tired of picking myself back up, dusting myself off and forging bravely on.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of lugging all this weight around.
I'm tired of trying to delicately turn my 350 pound body over in bed in the morning to arise for the day.
I'm tired of plantar fasicitis (no idea if I spelled that correctly) and sciatica and aches and pains throughout my body due to the excess pounds.
I'm tired of trying to fit myself into and get myself out of restaurant booths with any sort of grace (and failing miserably).
I'm so bleeping tired of all of it.
Now...for the reality check...
My last post, I talked about following Andi's plan for her mom (found here). I did that, pretty closely, and did that pretty well for about 4 weeks and lost several pounds, the total of which has already escaped me. Then the holidays came along. And my realization that the relationship I had talked myself into was never going to work. And I ate. And I ate a lot.
I ended my relationship on New Year's Eve, after just four short months. A record for me - I usually hang on to the bitter end. This was a huge victory for me. I realized I deserved better. This girl was so great. Very sweet and giving and we had so much in common. But there were some underlying issues and truth be told, I just didn't feel the same way that she did. And I couldn't spend any more time leading her to believe that I did or that I might. There's really nothing lonelier than being in a relationship you don't really want to be in. So, I chose being single.
And I'm really okay with that. And this time, I'm holding out. For the one. The one person that I can love so hard and so completely that loves me back the same. And hopefully, that person is out there. And if not, that's okay. Because I have had love and I have been loved. Maybe not the way I have wanted or have wished for all the time, but I have had it. Right now, it's all about me.
So, 2014 started with a clean slate. And honestly, I've been doing pretty well! I haven't been perfect, but I have lost some weight. My scale screamed that unforgiving "E" for "Error" at me for about 2 weeks. I estimate my weight was again anywhere from 355 to 365. But now I'm actually seeing numbers again. 352 today. It's going to be slow going. But I will not ever allow myself back to the place of "Error" again. I say that and it scares me, because what if I fail?
I guess I say all that to say this. I'm not making promises anymore. I'll do the best I can and approach each day with the attitude of this is a new day. I want to move more. I want to keep eating my fruits and veggies. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthier. I want to move easily. Everything else is icing on the cake. (Okay, I'm lying a little bit, because yeah, of course I want to look good too).
This year - I intend to quit smoking (I started using an e-cig in November and am ready to ween myself off of that puppy too). I intend to find an apartment that I love and furnish it. I intend to eat more mindfully and healthily. I intend to move my body more. I intend to enjoy being on my own. I intend to research having a child on my own. I intend to renew my relationship with God. I intend to trust God that if there is someone out there for me, He will find a way to bring us together. I intend to listen more - to my body, to my loved ones, to my Lord, to the world around me. I intend to just be. I intend to love who I am, mentally, spiritually, physically. Every last 352 pounds of me.
I am happy. I am not perfect. My life is not perfect. Nothing will ever be perfect. There are people who want to put me down, who want me to hate myself because I'm fat, because I am a lesbian (or bisexual or whatever the hell it is that I am - I'm still trying to figure that out), because I'm not 20, because I'm a different kind of Christian, because I am me. But there are people who love me just as I am. Who know me. Who want the best for me. Those are the people that matter. God made me who I am, flaws and sins and all. And right in this moment, in all its perfect imperfection, I am happy. And I love who I am, who I've been, and who I have yet to be.
I'm tired of picking myself back up, dusting myself off and forging bravely on.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of lugging all this weight around.
I'm tired of trying to delicately turn my 350 pound body over in bed in the morning to arise for the day.
I'm tired of plantar fasicitis (no idea if I spelled that correctly) and sciatica and aches and pains throughout my body due to the excess pounds.
I'm tired of trying to fit myself into and get myself out of restaurant booths with any sort of grace (and failing miserably).
I'm so bleeping tired of all of it.
Now...for the reality check...
My last post, I talked about following Andi's plan for her mom (found here). I did that, pretty closely, and did that pretty well for about 4 weeks and lost several pounds, the total of which has already escaped me. Then the holidays came along. And my realization that the relationship I had talked myself into was never going to work. And I ate. And I ate a lot.
I ended my relationship on New Year's Eve, after just four short months. A record for me - I usually hang on to the bitter end. This was a huge victory for me. I realized I deserved better. This girl was so great. Very sweet and giving and we had so much in common. But there were some underlying issues and truth be told, I just didn't feel the same way that she did. And I couldn't spend any more time leading her to believe that I did or that I might. There's really nothing lonelier than being in a relationship you don't really want to be in. So, I chose being single.
And I'm really okay with that. And this time, I'm holding out. For the one. The one person that I can love so hard and so completely that loves me back the same. And hopefully, that person is out there. And if not, that's okay. Because I have had love and I have been loved. Maybe not the way I have wanted or have wished for all the time, but I have had it. Right now, it's all about me.
So, 2014 started with a clean slate. And honestly, I've been doing pretty well! I haven't been perfect, but I have lost some weight. My scale screamed that unforgiving "E" for "Error" at me for about 2 weeks. I estimate my weight was again anywhere from 355 to 365. But now I'm actually seeing numbers again. 352 today. It's going to be slow going. But I will not ever allow myself back to the place of "Error" again. I say that and it scares me, because what if I fail?
I guess I say all that to say this. I'm not making promises anymore. I'll do the best I can and approach each day with the attitude of this is a new day. I want to move more. I want to keep eating my fruits and veggies. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthier. I want to move easily. Everything else is icing on the cake. (Okay, I'm lying a little bit, because yeah, of course I want to look good too).
This year - I intend to quit smoking (I started using an e-cig in November and am ready to ween myself off of that puppy too). I intend to find an apartment that I love and furnish it. I intend to eat more mindfully and healthily. I intend to move my body more. I intend to enjoy being on my own. I intend to research having a child on my own. I intend to renew my relationship with God. I intend to trust God that if there is someone out there for me, He will find a way to bring us together. I intend to listen more - to my body, to my loved ones, to my Lord, to the world around me. I intend to just be. I intend to love who I am, mentally, spiritually, physically. Every last 352 pounds of me.
I am happy. I am not perfect. My life is not perfect. Nothing will ever be perfect. There are people who want to put me down, who want me to hate myself because I'm fat, because I am a lesbian (or bisexual or whatever the hell it is that I am - I'm still trying to figure that out), because I'm not 20, because I'm a different kind of Christian, because I am me. But there are people who love me just as I am. Who know me. Who want the best for me. Those are the people that matter. God made me who I am, flaws and sins and all. And right in this moment, in all its perfect imperfection, I am happy. And I love who I am, who I've been, and who I have yet to be.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Week One
First, I start off with a confession...
I've gained so much weight that my current scale won't even acknowledge my weight. So, I'll keep stepping on it every damn day until a number shows up instead of that elusive "E" for "Error". I would guess that my weight is anywhere between 355 and 360, though. I honestly never thought I'd be this heavy.
Meanwhile, I'm feeling very in control and very positive. Days One through Five went off without a hitch. The weekend is where I hit some slight snafus, but all is well again.
This week's plan is based very heavily on the first week plan found here at the Can You Stay For Dinner blog. I made a few adjustments. Instead of counting calories, I'm counting Weight Watchers Points Plus. At my current estimated weight, I get 53 Points Plus each day. Also, Andi's mom, Mary Ellen started out at 210 pounds. I'm starting out at over 350 pounds, so my body requires more calories. I'm adding in a few healthy snacks to make up the difference. I thought I would be very uncomfortable straying from this plan at all, but I'm not. I'm already seeing that this is going to happen and I feel confident that I can make good choices. However, for the first several weeks, anyway, I want to stick as closely to it as possible.
There are several meals that Mary Ellen ate out at restaurants, so I'm substituting other recipes and things for those meals.
Here's what I ate my first week:
Monday
Breakfast
2 cups Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Cereal
1 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee
Snack
1 box (1 oz.) raisins
1/4 cup mixed nuts
Lunch
Chicken, Cranberry, Feta Salad
3 tbsp Great Value Light Honey Dijon Dressing
Fage Greek Yogurt with Honey
Snack
1 cup grapes
1 cup baby carrots
1/4 garlic hummus
Dinner
4 oz. marinaded pork tenderloin - marinade recipe here
6 oz sweet potato
1 tbsp Earth Balance margarine
1 cup green beans - steamed with lemon juice, garlic, 1 tbsp sliced almonds
POINTS PLUS TOTAL 55
Tuesday
Breakfast
1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee
Snack
1 oz raisins
1/4 cup mixed nuts
Lunch
Tuna Salad
2 cups fresh spinach
1 cup grapes
Snack
1 Sargento Cheddar Cheese Stick
Dinner
Stir-Fry using 6 oz leftover pork tenderloin
Snack
Skinny Cow Cookies & Cream Ice Cream Sandwich
POINTS PLUS TOTAL 44
Wednesday
Breakfast
1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee
Snack
1 cup grapes
1 Sargento Cheddar Cheese Stick
Lunch
3 cups salad greens
1 oz feta cheese
3 oz turkey lunch meat
3 tbsp Great Value Light Honey Dijon Dressing
1 container Fage Total 0% Greek Yogurt with Strawberry
Snack
1/4 cup mixed nuts
Dinner
Turkey Avocado Bacon Wrap
Snack
Skinny Cow Cookies & Cream Ice Cream Sandwich
Pop Chips
POINTS PLUS TOTAL 53
Thursday (HALLOWEEN!)
Breakfast
1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee
Snack
Peanut Butter & Dark Chocolate KIND Bar
Lunch - Halloween Luncheon at Work
2 cups Chicken Tortilla Soup
About 10 tortilla chips
1/4 cup shredded cheese
1 fancy Nutterbutter
Dinner
2 servings Crockpot Cheese Tortellini Soup (I adapted this slightly, adding some celery for more veg and using low fat cream cheese, instead of whole fat. I also used fresh carrot slices instead of frozen.)
Snack
1 regular-sized (as opposed to King Size) pack of Peanut M&Ms
POINTS PLUS TOTAL 61
Friday
Breakfast
1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee
Snack
1 Fuji Apple
2 tbsp Earth Balance Creamy Peanut Butter
Lunch
Fage Yogurt with Honey
3 cups salad greens
3 oz ham luncheon meat
1/8 cup Craisins
1 oz feta
3 tbsp Great Value Light Honey Dijon Dressing
Snack
1/4 cup mixed nuts
Dinner
Jason's Deli - Chicken Salad Wrap and steamed veggies
Snack
Deep Chocolate Vita Top
POINTS PLUS TOTAL 50
Saturday
Breakfast
1 Ezekiel Cinnamon Raisin English Muffin
1 tbsp. Whole Foods Strawberry Fruit Spread
1 tbsp Earth Balance Buttery Spread
1 egg scrambled in 1 tsp butter (couldn't eat the whole thing. I truly hate eggs. Especially eggs that are cooked poorly and as I am an egg hater, I don't really know how to cook eggs properly!)
1 cup coffee
1/3 cup Coffeemate Hazelnut creamer (all we had at my gf's)
Lunch
1/2 medium thin crust pizza loaded with veggies
about 10 Parmesan bread bites
Dinner
Didn't happen....
Snack
Deep Chocolate Vita Top
POINTS PLUS TOTAL 72
Sunday
Breakfast
1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee
Snack
Dark Chocolate Chili KIND Bar
1 Blow Pop
Lunch - Family Birthday Party @ my Grandparents' House
Chicken with Rice Casserole
Tomato Casserole
Green Bean Casserole
***My family CLEARLY loves a good casserole
Green salad with dressing
1 roll with 1/2 tbsp margarine
1 slice chocolate mousse cake
1 small Blue Bell Ice Cream cup
Dinner
leftover Chicken Alfredo from Pizza Hut
Snack
Vita Top Banana Nut Muffin
Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks - a grande, I think...my sister ordered it for me. I'd requested a tall, but she admittedly messed up on ordering, not being the coffee drinker that I am.
----------------------------------
Something AWESOME I did this week: I received a package of peanut M&Ms at work when I was BOOed by a co-worker on Tuesday. I saved them for Thursday night for my already planned Halloween treat!
Something I would do differently in the future: Controlled my portion considerably better at the family birthday party on Sunday. Possibly even measuring them out. I attacked that food with wild abandon and didn't like that out of control feeling. And what's worse is that I let it continue to spiral out of control more than I like as the evening went on.
My official weigh-in day is Friday, so I will post my results then. Meanwhile, after a rocky start on Monday, this week has picked back up! I'll be back next week with what I ate this week.
Thanks for reading!
I've gained so much weight that my current scale won't even acknowledge my weight. So, I'll keep stepping on it every damn day until a number shows up instead of that elusive "E" for "Error". I would guess that my weight is anywhere between 355 and 360, though. I honestly never thought I'd be this heavy.
Meanwhile, I'm feeling very in control and very positive. Days One through Five went off without a hitch. The weekend is where I hit some slight snafus, but all is well again.
This week's plan is based very heavily on the first week plan found here at the Can You Stay For Dinner blog. I made a few adjustments. Instead of counting calories, I'm counting Weight Watchers Points Plus. At my current estimated weight, I get 53 Points Plus each day. Also, Andi's mom, Mary Ellen started out at 210 pounds. I'm starting out at over 350 pounds, so my body requires more calories. I'm adding in a few healthy snacks to make up the difference. I thought I would be very uncomfortable straying from this plan at all, but I'm not. I'm already seeing that this is going to happen and I feel confident that I can make good choices. However, for the first several weeks, anyway, I want to stick as closely to it as possible.
There are several meals that Mary Ellen ate out at restaurants, so I'm substituting other recipes and things for those meals.
Here's what I ate my first week:
Monday
Breakfast
2 cups Kellogg's Crunchy Nut Cereal
1 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee
Snack
1 box (1 oz.) raisins
1/4 cup mixed nuts
Lunch
Chicken, Cranberry, Feta Salad
3 tbsp Great Value Light Honey Dijon Dressing
Fage Greek Yogurt with Honey
Snack
1 cup grapes
1 cup baby carrots
1/4 garlic hummus
Dinner
4 oz. marinaded pork tenderloin - marinade recipe here
6 oz sweet potato
1 tbsp Earth Balance margarine
1 cup green beans - steamed with lemon juice, garlic, 1 tbsp sliced almonds
POINTS PLUS TOTAL 55
Tuesday
Breakfast
1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee
Snack
1 oz raisins
1/4 cup mixed nuts
Lunch
Tuna Salad
2 cups fresh spinach
1 cup grapes
Snack
1 Sargento Cheddar Cheese Stick
Dinner
Stir-Fry using 6 oz leftover pork tenderloin
Snack
Skinny Cow Cookies & Cream Ice Cream Sandwich
POINTS PLUS TOTAL 44
Wednesday
Breakfast
1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee
Snack
1 cup grapes
1 Sargento Cheddar Cheese Stick
Lunch
3 cups salad greens
1 oz feta cheese
3 oz turkey lunch meat
3 tbsp Great Value Light Honey Dijon Dressing
1 container Fage Total 0% Greek Yogurt with Strawberry
Snack
1/4 cup mixed nuts
Dinner
Turkey Avocado Bacon Wrap
Snack
Skinny Cow Cookies & Cream Ice Cream Sandwich
Pop Chips
POINTS PLUS TOTAL 53
Thursday (HALLOWEEN!)
Breakfast
1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee
Snack
Peanut Butter & Dark Chocolate KIND Bar
Lunch - Halloween Luncheon at Work
2 cups Chicken Tortilla Soup
About 10 tortilla chips
1/4 cup shredded cheese
1 fancy Nutterbutter
Dinner
2 servings Crockpot Cheese Tortellini Soup (I adapted this slightly, adding some celery for more veg and using low fat cream cheese, instead of whole fat. I also used fresh carrot slices instead of frozen.)
Snack
1 regular-sized (as opposed to King Size) pack of Peanut M&Ms
POINTS PLUS TOTAL 61
Friday
Breakfast
1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee
Snack
1 Fuji Apple
2 tbsp Earth Balance Creamy Peanut Butter
Lunch
Fage Yogurt with Honey
3 cups salad greens
3 oz ham luncheon meat
1/8 cup Craisins
1 oz feta
3 tbsp Great Value Light Honey Dijon Dressing
Snack
1/4 cup mixed nuts
Dinner
Jason's Deli - Chicken Salad Wrap and steamed veggies
Snack
Deep Chocolate Vita Top
POINTS PLUS TOTAL 50
Saturday
Breakfast
1 Ezekiel Cinnamon Raisin English Muffin
1 tbsp. Whole Foods Strawberry Fruit Spread
1 tbsp Earth Balance Buttery Spread
1 egg scrambled in 1 tsp butter (couldn't eat the whole thing. I truly hate eggs. Especially eggs that are cooked poorly and as I am an egg hater, I don't really know how to cook eggs properly!)
1 cup coffee
1/3 cup Coffeemate Hazelnut creamer (all we had at my gf's)
Lunch
1/2 medium thin crust pizza loaded with veggies
about 10 Parmesan bread bites
Dinner
Didn't happen....
Snack
Deep Chocolate Vita Top
POINTS PLUS TOTAL 72
Sunday
Breakfast
1 serving Frosted Mini Wheats
1/2 cup 2% milk
1/3 cup fat free Coffeemate Creamer
1 cup coffee
Snack
Dark Chocolate Chili KIND Bar
1 Blow Pop
Lunch - Family Birthday Party @ my Grandparents' House
Chicken with Rice Casserole
Tomato Casserole
Green Bean Casserole
***My family CLEARLY loves a good casserole
Green salad with dressing
1 roll with 1/2 tbsp margarine
1 slice chocolate mousse cake
1 small Blue Bell Ice Cream cup
Dinner
leftover Chicken Alfredo from Pizza Hut
Snack
Vita Top Banana Nut Muffin
Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks - a grande, I think...my sister ordered it for me. I'd requested a tall, but she admittedly messed up on ordering, not being the coffee drinker that I am.
----------------------------------
Something AWESOME I did this week: I received a package of peanut M&Ms at work when I was BOOed by a co-worker on Tuesday. I saved them for Thursday night for my already planned Halloween treat!
Something I would do differently in the future: Controlled my portion considerably better at the family birthday party on Sunday. Possibly even measuring them out. I attacked that food with wild abandon and didn't like that out of control feeling. And what's worse is that I let it continue to spiral out of control more than I like as the evening went on.
My official weigh-in day is Friday, so I will post my results then. Meanwhile, after a rocky start on Monday, this week has picked back up! I'll be back next week with what I ate this week.
Thanks for reading!
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Tomorrow's the Day...
So after several weeks of planning and all day shopping today (and spending an exorbitant amount of money), tomorrow I'm starting my new "diet". I hate the word diet, but honestly I can't think of a better word for it.
I have tomorrow night's dinner marinating and have my lunch packed up for tomorrow and every morsel I intend to eat is already tracked in my Weight Watchers' tracker.
I have been so looking forward to this and now I find myself feeling a bit indifferent. Probably from the stress of the day. Probably a little also from nerves and the question of "will I fail yet again?" running through my head.
I don't think I have a choice but to succeed this time...
I have tomorrow night's dinner marinating and have my lunch packed up for tomorrow and every morsel I intend to eat is already tracked in my Weight Watchers' tracker.
I have been so looking forward to this and now I find myself feeling a bit indifferent. Probably from the stress of the day. Probably a little also from nerves and the question of "will I fail yet again?" running through my head.
I don't think I have a choice but to succeed this time...
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Well!
So, I disappeared for a couple of months....
When last we spoke, I was having some crazy ass sciatica issues. Well, in the midst of all that, I met someone and started a new relationship and also started back to work teaching my little third graders. The week I went back to work was the worst with the pain. My sister and my new girlfriend conspired against me as I was at Meet the Teacher Night (in tears, mind you, because I couldn't pick anything up in my room, my room was a mess, and I was about to be bombarded by 37 sets of parents and their children, not to mention the fact I hadn't slept properly in a month and was in searing pain.) and talked me into going to the ER. My co-workers also saw the state I was in and strongly encouraged the move as well. So, fortunately, I did go to the ER, had a great ER doctor, and got some much needed steroids would seriously helped me. I haven't had the same level of pain since (this was almost 2 months ago now) and feel almost human again at this point.
I later went to my GP and she recommended talking to a surgeon, which I flat out refused because of all the horror stories I've heard relating to back surgery for sciatica. She got a little miffy with me, but we talked about pain management which I was all for at the time, but I haven't followed up on that, because my pain level just isn't high enough for it to make it worthwhile to me at the moment. Today, for instance, I'm going on Day 3 of not taking any kind of pain medication or anti-inflammatory medication. My pain level is maybe at a 2 or 3 at the worst, but it generally stays around a 1 or 2 and is even at 0 lately. Which is fantastic, of course!
So anyway...I bore you with my old lady pain stories to tell you this...I have gained probably 20 pounds and weigh more than ever. I just haven't cared. I haven't exercised and I've eaten whatever the hell I want. I'm ready to get back to healthy eating and for the past few weeks have been planning (I have to wait for payday to fully implement, which will occur on Saturday). Andi over at Can You Stay For Dinner has been posting weekly updates for the past several months about putting her mom on a diet. I have to say I find it incredibly inspiring and have started a little notebook with the meals she's been eating and have already made a grocery list for my first week. Everything looks pretty straightforward, simple, and definitely tasty. So, I'm going to be following what her mom's been eating pretty closely and I'm really excited.
I also recently started wearing my Weight Watchers Activlink monitor again and my lofty goal is to hit 1 activity point a day. After over 2 months of pretty much sitting all the time, I think this is pretty reasonable. I intend to start incorporating 5 minutes of scheduled movement into my days. I've noticed the more I walk, the more my leg starts to bother me. I learned from my GP visit that I've probably herniated another disc higher in my back because I do have some weakness in my left leg. During the worst of the sciatica, I had a burning sensation in my hip when I would walk any length of time, probably from overcompensation. So, I do need to be careful and ease my way back into activity.
I'm considering rejoining Weight Watchers meetings with my new plan, but I think I may just do the online for the time being. I fully intend to track my points because when I do and I stick with it, I get great results. Also, the plan on Andi's blog is geared toward a woman who weighs significantly less than me, so I'll be incorporating some additional healthy points into my days to bring the total up where it needs to be for my current weight.
I'm super looking forward to this. I need to get the fridge cleaned out this week before heading to the store.
Thanks for stopping by!
When last we spoke, I was having some crazy ass sciatica issues. Well, in the midst of all that, I met someone and started a new relationship and also started back to work teaching my little third graders. The week I went back to work was the worst with the pain. My sister and my new girlfriend conspired against me as I was at Meet the Teacher Night (in tears, mind you, because I couldn't pick anything up in my room, my room was a mess, and I was about to be bombarded by 37 sets of parents and their children, not to mention the fact I hadn't slept properly in a month and was in searing pain.) and talked me into going to the ER. My co-workers also saw the state I was in and strongly encouraged the move as well. So, fortunately, I did go to the ER, had a great ER doctor, and got some much needed steroids would seriously helped me. I haven't had the same level of pain since (this was almost 2 months ago now) and feel almost human again at this point.
I later went to my GP and she recommended talking to a surgeon, which I flat out refused because of all the horror stories I've heard relating to back surgery for sciatica. She got a little miffy with me, but we talked about pain management which I was all for at the time, but I haven't followed up on that, because my pain level just isn't high enough for it to make it worthwhile to me at the moment. Today, for instance, I'm going on Day 3 of not taking any kind of pain medication or anti-inflammatory medication. My pain level is maybe at a 2 or 3 at the worst, but it generally stays around a 1 or 2 and is even at 0 lately. Which is fantastic, of course!
So anyway...I bore you with my old lady pain stories to tell you this...I have gained probably 20 pounds and weigh more than ever. I just haven't cared. I haven't exercised and I've eaten whatever the hell I want. I'm ready to get back to healthy eating and for the past few weeks have been planning (I have to wait for payday to fully implement, which will occur on Saturday). Andi over at Can You Stay For Dinner has been posting weekly updates for the past several months about putting her mom on a diet. I have to say I find it incredibly inspiring and have started a little notebook with the meals she's been eating and have already made a grocery list for my first week. Everything looks pretty straightforward, simple, and definitely tasty. So, I'm going to be following what her mom's been eating pretty closely and I'm really excited.
I also recently started wearing my Weight Watchers Activlink monitor again and my lofty goal is to hit 1 activity point a day. After over 2 months of pretty much sitting all the time, I think this is pretty reasonable. I intend to start incorporating 5 minutes of scheduled movement into my days. I've noticed the more I walk, the more my leg starts to bother me. I learned from my GP visit that I've probably herniated another disc higher in my back because I do have some weakness in my left leg. During the worst of the sciatica, I had a burning sensation in my hip when I would walk any length of time, probably from overcompensation. So, I do need to be careful and ease my way back into activity.
I'm considering rejoining Weight Watchers meetings with my new plan, but I think I may just do the online for the time being. I fully intend to track my points because when I do and I stick with it, I get great results. Also, the plan on Andi's blog is geared toward a woman who weighs significantly less than me, so I'll be incorporating some additional healthy points into my days to bring the total up where it needs to be for my current weight.
I'm super looking forward to this. I need to get the fridge cleaned out this week before heading to the store.
Thanks for stopping by!
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Chronic Pain
Those of us who deal with chronic pain in any of its forms know that chronic pain is a bitch.
I think I've mentioned here before that about 4 years ago, I injured my back. It wasn't anything big or dramatic that caused it either. I'm sure it was a bunch of small things and not lifting things properly for years, but it all went to hell when I lifted a carton of water to move it from one car to another. I instantly felt really bad pain and had a hard time sitting. I'd wake up in the morning screaming from the pain, while I tried to sit on the edge of my bed and stand up. It gradually subsided over the next few weeks, but returned in the form on really bad leg pain about a month later.
The irony of all this was that I had over the previous 4 years lost almost 100 pounds. I was working out -walking and running and doing some strength training - almost everyday.
I finally, FINALLY took myself to the doctor, had xrays, and an MRI to confirm what I already knew - this was sciatica. And it was caused by two herniated discs in my lower back, though I couldn't tell you now specifically which ones. Dealing with this condition was very nearly hell. Somedays I would have some relief and others were just agony. I started physical therapy where my PT did all sorts of crazy things to try and help bring me relief - traction, electrotherapy, stretches. And during this time, I was in so much pain that I just gave up. The weight I'd worked so hard to lose came back on - 50 pounds of it.
After about a year, the pain subsided pretty much completely with just an occassional twinge. I wondered sometimes if the pain really had gone away or if I had just gotten so used to it I no longer noticed it.
I can tell you now that it really had gone away, because I seem to have re-injured myself or injured myself all over again in a new way, because the pain I'm experiencing this past week and a half is UNBEARABLE.
I do not sleep at night for more than an hour and fifteen minutes at a time. If I lie on my right side, which is the side not affected by sciatica, when it's time to wake up/sit up/go to the bathroom/whatever, sitting up and standing up is akin to something I have no words to describe. It's the most horrible, excrutiating, screaming pain I've ever experienced. I hobble across the house to the bathroom like I am 150 years old, taking little shuffling, scooting steps, gasping for breath through the pain.
The good news is it does get gradually better over the course of the night. I still only sleep for about an hour at time, but I've noticed the past 2 or 3 nights I've started having dreams again, which is a good sign I'm getting deeper rest. Whenever I do wake up, 99% of the time, I pull myself out of bed to go to the bathroom. I think this has to do with stress. I think the stress of the pain at night makes my body have to pee. lol TMI, perhaps?
The past couple of nights, I've started keeping a written record of my sleep. I'll record the time I woke up and the approximate time I last fell asleep. I'll record my pain level and which side I sleep on (sleeping on my left is virtually impossible - I can't fall asleep that way because of the weight on my sciatic leg). And I have been averaging just over an hour of sleep at a time, usually going back to sleep within 15-20 minutes. Not very restful at all.
I bought a body pillow last week and have been using that between my knees instead of a standard pillow - doesn't seem to help much. I take Ibuprofen at such levels that my liver is sure to go into failure by the time I'm 40. I also invested in a sleep aid called Legatrin, which is a combination of Acetaminophen and some sort of sleep substance. It's advertised as helping leg and lower back pain. It lies. But it does make me drowsy. I've also taken some naproxen here and there. Nothing much seems to help.
I ice my back and heating pad my butt and leg frequently. I even tried putting icy hot all over my leg last night just to see what would happen. It burned my flesh so good that it did kinda make me forget about the sciatica for a short while.
I've also resorted to a trick a coworker told me about when I had my first bout of sciatica four years ago. When sitting in a chair, sit with a book under your sciatica side. And oddly, I feel like that's what cured me the first time. And it really does bring some relief, I think because of how it angles your spine to where you are compressing those herniated discs back into place and away from your sciatic nerve. It doesn't always work and you have to give it a good 10-20 minutes before feeling any relief some of the times when it does work.
I say ALLLLLLLL that to say this - I have zero doubt that losing weight would alleviate a lot of my pain. I feel so completely paralyzed and helpless when I am in this state. I have not been eating well and as my mom told me she thought I was doing all those years ago, I've been eating my pain to some extent. What will happen if I continue to do so is that I will way 400 pounds in the blink of an eye and things will just get worse and worse.
So, I'm trying very hard to make good choices. I'm going to try my damndest to gently workout along with Leslie Sansonne today and tomorrow I'm calling the doctor and making an appointment for ASAP. I'm just very concerned about having to have another MRI, because I'm doubting my ability to be able to get up off the bed of that thing after lying there on my back for half an hour.
That's my rant for today.
I think I've mentioned here before that about 4 years ago, I injured my back. It wasn't anything big or dramatic that caused it either. I'm sure it was a bunch of small things and not lifting things properly for years, but it all went to hell when I lifted a carton of water to move it from one car to another. I instantly felt really bad pain and had a hard time sitting. I'd wake up in the morning screaming from the pain, while I tried to sit on the edge of my bed and stand up. It gradually subsided over the next few weeks, but returned in the form on really bad leg pain about a month later.
The irony of all this was that I had over the previous 4 years lost almost 100 pounds. I was working out -walking and running and doing some strength training - almost everyday.
I finally, FINALLY took myself to the doctor, had xrays, and an MRI to confirm what I already knew - this was sciatica. And it was caused by two herniated discs in my lower back, though I couldn't tell you now specifically which ones. Dealing with this condition was very nearly hell. Somedays I would have some relief and others were just agony. I started physical therapy where my PT did all sorts of crazy things to try and help bring me relief - traction, electrotherapy, stretches. And during this time, I was in so much pain that I just gave up. The weight I'd worked so hard to lose came back on - 50 pounds of it.
After about a year, the pain subsided pretty much completely with just an occassional twinge. I wondered sometimes if the pain really had gone away or if I had just gotten so used to it I no longer noticed it.
I can tell you now that it really had gone away, because I seem to have re-injured myself or injured myself all over again in a new way, because the pain I'm experiencing this past week and a half is UNBEARABLE.
I do not sleep at night for more than an hour and fifteen minutes at a time. If I lie on my right side, which is the side not affected by sciatica, when it's time to wake up/sit up/go to the bathroom/whatever, sitting up and standing up is akin to something I have no words to describe. It's the most horrible, excrutiating, screaming pain I've ever experienced. I hobble across the house to the bathroom like I am 150 years old, taking little shuffling, scooting steps, gasping for breath through the pain.
The good news is it does get gradually better over the course of the night. I still only sleep for about an hour at time, but I've noticed the past 2 or 3 nights I've started having dreams again, which is a good sign I'm getting deeper rest. Whenever I do wake up, 99% of the time, I pull myself out of bed to go to the bathroom. I think this has to do with stress. I think the stress of the pain at night makes my body have to pee. lol TMI, perhaps?
The past couple of nights, I've started keeping a written record of my sleep. I'll record the time I woke up and the approximate time I last fell asleep. I'll record my pain level and which side I sleep on (sleeping on my left is virtually impossible - I can't fall asleep that way because of the weight on my sciatic leg). And I have been averaging just over an hour of sleep at a time, usually going back to sleep within 15-20 minutes. Not very restful at all.
I bought a body pillow last week and have been using that between my knees instead of a standard pillow - doesn't seem to help much. I take Ibuprofen at such levels that my liver is sure to go into failure by the time I'm 40. I also invested in a sleep aid called Legatrin, which is a combination of Acetaminophen and some sort of sleep substance. It's advertised as helping leg and lower back pain. It lies. But it does make me drowsy. I've also taken some naproxen here and there. Nothing much seems to help.
I ice my back and heating pad my butt and leg frequently. I even tried putting icy hot all over my leg last night just to see what would happen. It burned my flesh so good that it did kinda make me forget about the sciatica for a short while.
I've also resorted to a trick a coworker told me about when I had my first bout of sciatica four years ago. When sitting in a chair, sit with a book under your sciatica side. And oddly, I feel like that's what cured me the first time. And it really does bring some relief, I think because of how it angles your spine to where you are compressing those herniated discs back into place and away from your sciatic nerve. It doesn't always work and you have to give it a good 10-20 minutes before feeling any relief some of the times when it does work.
I say ALLLLLLLL that to say this - I have zero doubt that losing weight would alleviate a lot of my pain. I feel so completely paralyzed and helpless when I am in this state. I have not been eating well and as my mom told me she thought I was doing all those years ago, I've been eating my pain to some extent. What will happen if I continue to do so is that I will way 400 pounds in the blink of an eye and things will just get worse and worse.
So, I'm trying very hard to make good choices. I'm going to try my damndest to gently workout along with Leslie Sansonne today and tomorrow I'm calling the doctor and making an appointment for ASAP. I'm just very concerned about having to have another MRI, because I'm doubting my ability to be able to get up off the bed of that thing after lying there on my back for half an hour.
That's my rant for today.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
The Lure of the Cookie
I love chocolate chip cookies. If I could eat only one food for the rest of my life, that would probably be it. I mean...really. I really, really love them. Maybe someday human-cookie marriage will be legalized and I'll be at the front of that line - a homemade chocolate chip cookie in hand, it's chocolate chips melting into the warmth of my palm.
Okay, perhaps that's taking it a bit too far....
So last night, after having planned my whole day (and having thrown in a couple of snacks too, that I did track, thank you very much), I decided I NEEDED...needed...a Diet Coke from McDonalds. Off I went to collect it, thinking to myself that some McDonald's chocolate chip cookies sounded MIGHTY tasty and that all my hard work for the day be damned, that's what I was going to eat.
Well to make a long, semi-complicated story short - I did not get the cookies. I talked myself off that ledge and finished strong yesterday. I stayed under my points with 2 to spare. I sat down and planned today out just like I did the night before and I went to bed.
It's just good to know that I have that strength deep down inside...that the will to do this is still pretty damn strong.
Just have to take it all as it comes, one day at a time.
Okay, perhaps that's taking it a bit too far....
So last night, after having planned my whole day (and having thrown in a couple of snacks too, that I did track, thank you very much), I decided I NEEDED...needed...a Diet Coke from McDonalds. Off I went to collect it, thinking to myself that some McDonald's chocolate chip cookies sounded MIGHTY tasty and that all my hard work for the day be damned, that's what I was going to eat.
Well to make a long, semi-complicated story short - I did not get the cookies. I talked myself off that ledge and finished strong yesterday. I stayed under my points with 2 to spare. I sat down and planned today out just like I did the night before and I went to bed.
It's just good to know that I have that strength deep down inside...that the will to do this is still pretty damn strong.
Just have to take it all as it comes, one day at a time.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Hitting a Wall
Heather from the Half Size Me podcast accompanied me via my headphones on my walk today. She just doesn't know it. I started listening to Episode 28 and she talks about hitting a wall, whether it be a certain number of pounds lost or an amount of time or whatever it is that stops you dead in your tracks during your weight loss journey.
I realized that I've been doing this for several weeks. I have not been perfect and still have a hell of a long way to go. However, the past few years have had so many ups and downs in regards to my weight. Usually it takes about 2-4 weeks for me to hit that wall. I'll throw in the towel completely: stop exercising and start the vicious cycle of binging and not giving a flip (tossed with some good portions of self-guilt and beating myself up).
I've "fallen off" a few times over the past several weeks, but I still keep picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on that horse. It gave me such a sense of elation to realize that today. I've had 4 horrible eat everything in sight days and last night, I sat down and planned out my entire day in my Weight Watchers tracker. I haven't felt the slightest bit of a nudge towards straying from it either. I've had breakfast and lunch and dinner is already simmering away in the crockpot. And I've already done my walk today.
I can do this.
I will do this.
Last night, as I was folding laundry, I remember thinking to myself - this is no big deal. This is just a little blip in the rest of your life. This is forever. It's fine.
Notice there was no self-degradation, no loud exclamations of "I am a failure!" No. Only acceptance of myself and the will to move on to the next thing.
I feel amazing.
I realized that I've been doing this for several weeks. I have not been perfect and still have a hell of a long way to go. However, the past few years have had so many ups and downs in regards to my weight. Usually it takes about 2-4 weeks for me to hit that wall. I'll throw in the towel completely: stop exercising and start the vicious cycle of binging and not giving a flip (tossed with some good portions of self-guilt and beating myself up).
I've "fallen off" a few times over the past several weeks, but I still keep picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on that horse. It gave me such a sense of elation to realize that today. I've had 4 horrible eat everything in sight days and last night, I sat down and planned out my entire day in my Weight Watchers tracker. I haven't felt the slightest bit of a nudge towards straying from it either. I've had breakfast and lunch and dinner is already simmering away in the crockpot. And I've already done my walk today.
I can do this.
I will do this.
Last night, as I was folding laundry, I remember thinking to myself - this is no big deal. This is just a little blip in the rest of your life. This is forever. It's fine.
Notice there was no self-degradation, no loud exclamations of "I am a failure!" No. Only acceptance of myself and the will to move on to the next thing.
I feel amazing.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Random Facts
Here is a random list of facts about me:
*I'm obsessed with Mickey Mouse and Walt Disney World.
*I have severe anxiety issues.
*I love my three year old niece as if she was my own child. In fact, sometimes I forget she's not actually my daughter.
*I want to have a big, girly lesbian wedding with the girl of my dreams (who as far as I can tell, does not exist).
*In addition to my obsession with Mickey & Disney, I'm also very obsessed with pin-up modeling (looking at, not doing...puhlease), 1940s and 1950s fashion and hair styles, and big band, swing, and rockabilly music.
*This fast-approaching school year will be my 9th year as a teacher.
*I turn 38 in two weeks.
*I want children and can feel my biological clock tick, tick, ticking away faster and faster by the second...and I'm not really sure what to do about that at this exact point in time.
*I was named after my grandmother, my great aunt, and my mom.
*Even though I call myself a lesbian, I still find myself attracted to men from time to time.
*I love spending time outdoors, even if it's only to sit on the back porch with a Diet Coke and a book.
*I have a dog - she's a yellow lab mix and my anxiety kicks into overdrive anytime I have to take her to the vet, because she's a holy terror. Not in a loveable, wacky sort of way - like a demon from hell sort of way.
*I'm both terrified and excitedly hopeful about the future.
*I start a ton of projects with great passion and very seldom see them through.
*I am constantly overwhelmed by all my interests and all the things I want to do to the point that it usually paralyzes me and keeps me from getting anything done at all!
*I'm obsessed with Mickey Mouse and Walt Disney World.
*I have severe anxiety issues.
*I love my three year old niece as if she was my own child. In fact, sometimes I forget she's not actually my daughter.
*I want to have a big, girly lesbian wedding with the girl of my dreams (who as far as I can tell, does not exist).
*In addition to my obsession with Mickey & Disney, I'm also very obsessed with pin-up modeling (looking at, not doing...puhlease), 1940s and 1950s fashion and hair styles, and big band, swing, and rockabilly music.
*This fast-approaching school year will be my 9th year as a teacher.
*I turn 38 in two weeks.
*I want children and can feel my biological clock tick, tick, ticking away faster and faster by the second...and I'm not really sure what to do about that at this exact point in time.
*I was named after my grandmother, my great aunt, and my mom.
*Even though I call myself a lesbian, I still find myself attracted to men from time to time.
*I love spending time outdoors, even if it's only to sit on the back porch with a Diet Coke and a book.
*I have a dog - she's a yellow lab mix and my anxiety kicks into overdrive anytime I have to take her to the vet, because she's a holy terror. Not in a loveable, wacky sort of way - like a demon from hell sort of way.
*I'm both terrified and excitedly hopeful about the future.
*I start a ton of projects with great passion and very seldom see them through.
*I am constantly overwhelmed by all my interests and all the things I want to do to the point that it usually paralyzes me and keeps me from getting anything done at all!
Ugh. Just Ugh.
I'm having a really hard time caring about anything today. I think a big part of that comes from having the summer-time doldrums. I have about 2 1/2 weeks left of break before heading back to work and I have very mixed emotions about it.
I deal with a TON of anxiety about little day-to-day things, so thinking about the new school year starting is really freaking me out. There's so much to do. Then there's the fact that I have to deal with people when I get back to work. I think I was born to be a hermit. But at the same time, I HATE being that way. I wish I was more of a social creature. But then when I'm out and about, I'm stressing out and having panic attacks about having to even look at other people, let alone interact with them. I love my alone time. In fact, I think that was the cause of the downfall of my last relationship. I just wanted to be left alone. All the time.
It's not like I'm doing anything totally amazing when I'm alone. I just like being alone.
I feel like there are a bunch of emotions I need to sort out right now. But...I can't pinpoint any of them. And I have zero energy to even try right now.
So, my plan for today - refocus on tracking, go on my walking challenge walk, and make smart food choices. So far, so good.
I deal with a TON of anxiety about little day-to-day things, so thinking about the new school year starting is really freaking me out. There's so much to do. Then there's the fact that I have to deal with people when I get back to work. I think I was born to be a hermit. But at the same time, I HATE being that way. I wish I was more of a social creature. But then when I'm out and about, I'm stressing out and having panic attacks about having to even look at other people, let alone interact with them. I love my alone time. In fact, I think that was the cause of the downfall of my last relationship. I just wanted to be left alone. All the time.
It's not like I'm doing anything totally amazing when I'm alone. I just like being alone.
I feel like there are a bunch of emotions I need to sort out right now. But...I can't pinpoint any of them. And I have zero energy to even try right now.
So, my plan for today - refocus on tracking, go on my walking challenge walk, and make smart food choices. So far, so good.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Still Here!
I've been an absentee blogger the past week. I have not made it to my Weight Watchers meeting the past two Saturdays due to be out late the Friday night before. Last week I was down to 339.4, which was a 4 pound loss. This Saturday I was back up a bit and have basically spent the weekend eating my face off, but I feel pretty done with that now.
I downloaded the free Nike+ Running app this past week and started doing this walking challenge from Weight Watchers. I followed this exact challenge about 4 years ago or so and had a lot of success with it. I took Friday and Saturday off, because I was busy busy on Friday and lazy lazy yesterday. But I got back out there today and completed Day 4. I noticed it was easier than it had been.
Anyway, just wanted to say I haven't fallen off the face of the weight loss earth. I feel I've had a few different breakthroughs this past week, which is a really good thing. I'm also going back to my Weight Watchers meeting this Saturday, WITHOUT FAIL.
Did you catch that? WITHOUT FAIL, I will be at Weight Watchers bright and early Saturday morning!
That is all!
I downloaded the free Nike+ Running app this past week and started doing this walking challenge from Weight Watchers. I followed this exact challenge about 4 years ago or so and had a lot of success with it. I took Friday and Saturday off, because I was busy busy on Friday and lazy lazy yesterday. But I got back out there today and completed Day 4. I noticed it was easier than it had been.
Anyway, just wanted to say I haven't fallen off the face of the weight loss earth. I feel I've had a few different breakthroughs this past week, which is a really good thing. I'm also going back to my Weight Watchers meeting this Saturday, WITHOUT FAIL.
Did you catch that? WITHOUT FAIL, I will be at Weight Watchers bright and early Saturday morning!
That is all!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Day 17
Somehow...incredibly, amazingly...I've managed to pull myself up by the bootstraps and get my shit together.
I've done really well the past couple of days with my eating. Yesterday I was over just a little bit, but I'm not going to let that stress me out. According to my scale, I'm also 2 pounds down from Saturday. I'm a bit obsessive about weighing myself as I do it at least twice a day! But I find it helps keep me focused.
I cooked last night for the first time in awhile and made Crockpot Cilantro Lime Chicken, which I ended up shredding and serving over some tortilla chips (which I portioned out) and Skinny Broccoli Salad. Both of which were fantastic and got rave reviews from the fam. Next time, I'd just make sure to chop the broc up into smaller chunks. I had to run to the store yesterday for a few things to make this meal and once again, did a great job of not buying a whole bunch of crap or a "treat" for the car ride home.
I am drinking WAY too much Coke Zero and Diet Coke lately and not getting nearly any exercise. My days this week have consisted of sitting and playing computer games, reading a ton, and watching the first season of True Blood.
My 38th birthday is in a couple of weeks and my family is going out for a meal. I want it to be somewhere out of the ordinary, so I'm looking into that now.
Meanwhile, I just need to be on my best behaviour for the next two days, because I'm really looking forward to my meeting on Saturday morning!
I've done really well the past couple of days with my eating. Yesterday I was over just a little bit, but I'm not going to let that stress me out. According to my scale, I'm also 2 pounds down from Saturday. I'm a bit obsessive about weighing myself as I do it at least twice a day! But I find it helps keep me focused.
I cooked last night for the first time in awhile and made Crockpot Cilantro Lime Chicken, which I ended up shredding and serving over some tortilla chips (which I portioned out) and Skinny Broccoli Salad. Both of which were fantastic and got rave reviews from the fam. Next time, I'd just make sure to chop the broc up into smaller chunks. I had to run to the store yesterday for a few things to make this meal and once again, did a great job of not buying a whole bunch of crap or a "treat" for the car ride home.
 |
| A blurry photo of the Skinny Broccoli Salad. It was quite tasty. |
I am drinking WAY too much Coke Zero and Diet Coke lately and not getting nearly any exercise. My days this week have consisted of sitting and playing computer games, reading a ton, and watching the first season of True Blood.
My 38th birthday is in a couple of weeks and my family is going out for a meal. I want it to be somewhere out of the ordinary, so I'm looking into that now.
Meanwhile, I just need to be on my best behaviour for the next two days, because I'm really looking forward to my meeting on Saturday morning!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Day 15
I'm feeling horribly depressed today. Like I want to come out of my skin depressed and anxious. It's awful. I think the biggest thing gnawing at me is the fact that I'm almost 38, single, and not a mom. I only ever wanted to be a mom, which I'm sure I've mentioned before, and somehow all this time has just drifted by. I've allowed my life to just float on past me for 38 years. It doesn't help that I was feeling all unliked on Saturday because of my birthday party, nor does falling off the wagon the past few days...I could go on and continue to list my troubles.
Fortunately, I haven't eaten my depression. I've done pretty well. I should be getting up and moving and doing some kind of workout, but just haven't. I haven't left the house since Saturday...I don't think I've even SHOWERED since Saturday. I guess I'll move that up to the tip top of my "to do" list.
My weight was back down below Saturday's weight today, so that was a relief. No idea what I'm having for dinner tonight. We ended up ordering pizza last night and that was not good. Better than the olden days, but still not what it should have been.
I'm still tracking and keeping up with my food tracker on Excel, I just haven't posted any of it yet. I would like to see another pound gone this week. A pound a week is really so, so simple! If I can just keep this food demon I have hovering over me all the time at bay, then I will be able to stay in my points for the next four days and see another loss on Saturday!
So what do you do when you need a lift out of a funk that you're in?
Fortunately, I haven't eaten my depression. I've done pretty well. I should be getting up and moving and doing some kind of workout, but just haven't. I haven't left the house since Saturday...I don't think I've even SHOWERED since Saturday. I guess I'll move that up to the tip top of my "to do" list.
My weight was back down below Saturday's weight today, so that was a relief. No idea what I'm having for dinner tonight. We ended up ordering pizza last night and that was not good. Better than the olden days, but still not what it should have been.
I'm still tracking and keeping up with my food tracker on Excel, I just haven't posted any of it yet. I would like to see another pound gone this week. A pound a week is really so, so simple! If I can just keep this food demon I have hovering over me all the time at bay, then I will be able to stay in my points for the next four days and see another loss on Saturday!
So what do you do when you need a lift out of a funk that you're in?
Monday, July 15, 2013
Day 14: I'm Still Here
Okay, so first of all, I should say that Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were all...not very good.
In fact, Saturday, after all was said and done, I'd consumed in excess of 130 Points Plus and needless to say, had completely devoured (pun intended) any weekly points I would have had for the week.
My weigh-in on Saturday was less than stellar. Down one pound to 343.4. However, I will take that one pound. If I only lose a pound again this week, I'll be thrilled.
Saturday I went to Weight Watchers at the crack of dawn. I had coffee and a sausage McGriddle from McDonalds (a habit I need desperately to break). Then it was back home to get ready for my niece's 3rd birthday party at which Subway sandwiches (not too bad) and cake (bad) would be served. That was fine, it was the leftovers at home that were unhelpful.
Even so, that wouldn't have been a big deal, but then there was my sister's and my joint birthday party (celebrating hers a few weeks late and mine a few weeks early) to contend with. I only had a few beers and a big ass shot one of my friends bought for me, but we also had dinner.
So...anyway, if my day had consisted of only one, maybe even two, of these little blips, it would have been fine. It was a combination of all the factors that really messed me up.
Yesterday, I slept the day away. I don't know why. I certainly wasn't hungover and I felt okay, I just could not stay awake. My mom and sister felt the same way so we chalked up to the rainy weather we're having. I also had a really hard time caring about what I ate. I got up so late that I only had coffee for breakfast, ate leftover subway for lunch, had a real Dr. Pepper later in the day along with a little bag of chips, and some mandarin orange chicken and jasmine rice from Trader Joe's for dinner. I put my points in today and it says I'm 6 points under my total for the day, so that was a relief. I ate the chicken leftovers for lunch today and had cereal this morning. No idea what's for dinner.
I feel so beaten down today. Not by the weight loss thing, but just by life. Mostly, maybe because my birthday party made me sad. I invited about 30 of my co-workers and not one of them could be bothered to show up. In fact, one of my closest work friends texted me to tell me that she and her husband got tickets to a show instead. Why even bother telling me at all? It just really made me feel like crap. Granted, all my closest friends were there, even one I hadn't seen in about a year, so that was nice. But these are people I work with and I always feel completely on the outskirts of the "group" at work. Like people tolerate me, but mostly find me annoying. And that just kind of reaffirmed that feeling for me. Whether it's true or not.
And tomorrow night is a send off for my outgoing principal and a welcome for the new principal. I'm not going. I can't face those people. I can't even begin to describe how being around them makes me feel. Like I'm not a real person, like I don't measure up, like no one really gives a shit about me. And certainly like none of them know me at all. Which, to be honest, they really don't, despite having worked there for 8 years.
I desperately care what people think of me. I really wish I didn't. My ex used to get so pissed off at me about that. But I can't just turn it off.
In fact, Saturday, after all was said and done, I'd consumed in excess of 130 Points Plus and needless to say, had completely devoured (pun intended) any weekly points I would have had for the week.
My weigh-in on Saturday was less than stellar. Down one pound to 343.4. However, I will take that one pound. If I only lose a pound again this week, I'll be thrilled.
Saturday I went to Weight Watchers at the crack of dawn. I had coffee and a sausage McGriddle from McDonalds (a habit I need desperately to break). Then it was back home to get ready for my niece's 3rd birthday party at which Subway sandwiches (not too bad) and cake (bad) would be served. That was fine, it was the leftovers at home that were unhelpful.
Even so, that wouldn't have been a big deal, but then there was my sister's and my joint birthday party (celebrating hers a few weeks late and mine a few weeks early) to contend with. I only had a few beers and a big ass shot one of my friends bought for me, but we also had dinner.
So...anyway, if my day had consisted of only one, maybe even two, of these little blips, it would have been fine. It was a combination of all the factors that really messed me up.
Yesterday, I slept the day away. I don't know why. I certainly wasn't hungover and I felt okay, I just could not stay awake. My mom and sister felt the same way so we chalked up to the rainy weather we're having. I also had a really hard time caring about what I ate. I got up so late that I only had coffee for breakfast, ate leftover subway for lunch, had a real Dr. Pepper later in the day along with a little bag of chips, and some mandarin orange chicken and jasmine rice from Trader Joe's for dinner. I put my points in today and it says I'm 6 points under my total for the day, so that was a relief. I ate the chicken leftovers for lunch today and had cereal this morning. No idea what's for dinner.
I feel so beaten down today. Not by the weight loss thing, but just by life. Mostly, maybe because my birthday party made me sad. I invited about 30 of my co-workers and not one of them could be bothered to show up. In fact, one of my closest work friends texted me to tell me that she and her husband got tickets to a show instead. Why even bother telling me at all? It just really made me feel like crap. Granted, all my closest friends were there, even one I hadn't seen in about a year, so that was nice. But these are people I work with and I always feel completely on the outskirts of the "group" at work. Like people tolerate me, but mostly find me annoying. And that just kind of reaffirmed that feeling for me. Whether it's true or not.
And tomorrow night is a send off for my outgoing principal and a welcome for the new principal. I'm not going. I can't face those people. I can't even begin to describe how being around them makes me feel. Like I'm not a real person, like I don't measure up, like no one really gives a shit about me. And certainly like none of them know me at all. Which, to be honest, they really don't, despite having worked there for 8 years.
I desperately care what people think of me. I really wish I didn't. My ex used to get so pissed off at me about that. But I can't just turn it off.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)