I'm about to head out to my meeting the week. I did really well for a couple of days, then helped my sister move and stayed at her new apartment for a few days and it was like a switch was flipped off. I can eat whatever I want, because I'm not home and it doesn't count. But it does count, doesn't it?
Is this ever going to end? Am I ever going to be in a place where I care about my health and well-being enough that I don't allow food and laziness and complacency to come first?
I'm starting to doubt I ever will.
Yesterday was a crazy day. I've been talking to this girl and lo' and behold, she not only suddenly has a new girlfriend, but she'd been lying to me about the state of her "relationship" with a mutual friend of ours. I will know from here on out to trust my instincts, because I knew something was off with her from the get-go. In addition to that, the aforementioned ex that I haven't spoken to in 6 years contacted me via Facebook and we spent the better part of the day in a back and forth conversation. I followed that up with a phone call from ANOTHER ex who proceeded to tell me that I am "lesbian crack". Nice!
In any event, all of these things together made me really depressed and really questioning whether or not I will be single for the rest of my life. A friend reminded me that it's all a rollercoaster. One day we're up, another day we're down waiting to be back up again. And he was really right. I'm feeling pretty positive and not worried about any of it so much today.
I just want to try and focus on myself today.
For today I can make good food choices. For today I can get in some exercise. If only for today.
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggle. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Day 15
I'm feeling horribly depressed today. Like I want to come out of my skin depressed and anxious. It's awful. I think the biggest thing gnawing at me is the fact that I'm almost 38, single, and not a mom. I only ever wanted to be a mom, which I'm sure I've mentioned before, and somehow all this time has just drifted by. I've allowed my life to just float on past me for 38 years. It doesn't help that I was feeling all unliked on Saturday because of my birthday party, nor does falling off the wagon the past few days...I could go on and continue to list my troubles.
Fortunately, I haven't eaten my depression. I've done pretty well. I should be getting up and moving and doing some kind of workout, but just haven't. I haven't left the house since Saturday...I don't think I've even SHOWERED since Saturday. I guess I'll move that up to the tip top of my "to do" list.
My weight was back down below Saturday's weight today, so that was a relief. No idea what I'm having for dinner tonight. We ended up ordering pizza last night and that was not good. Better than the olden days, but still not what it should have been.
I'm still tracking and keeping up with my food tracker on Excel, I just haven't posted any of it yet. I would like to see another pound gone this week. A pound a week is really so, so simple! If I can just keep this food demon I have hovering over me all the time at bay, then I will be able to stay in my points for the next four days and see another loss on Saturday!
So what do you do when you need a lift out of a funk that you're in?
Fortunately, I haven't eaten my depression. I've done pretty well. I should be getting up and moving and doing some kind of workout, but just haven't. I haven't left the house since Saturday...I don't think I've even SHOWERED since Saturday. I guess I'll move that up to the tip top of my "to do" list.
My weight was back down below Saturday's weight today, so that was a relief. No idea what I'm having for dinner tonight. We ended up ordering pizza last night and that was not good. Better than the olden days, but still not what it should have been.
I'm still tracking and keeping up with my food tracker on Excel, I just haven't posted any of it yet. I would like to see another pound gone this week. A pound a week is really so, so simple! If I can just keep this food demon I have hovering over me all the time at bay, then I will be able to stay in my points for the next four days and see another loss on Saturday!
So what do you do when you need a lift out of a funk that you're in?
Monday, July 15, 2013
Day 14: I'm Still Here
Okay, so first of all, I should say that Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were all...not very good.
In fact, Saturday, after all was said and done, I'd consumed in excess of 130 Points Plus and needless to say, had completely devoured (pun intended) any weekly points I would have had for the week.
My weigh-in on Saturday was less than stellar. Down one pound to 343.4. However, I will take that one pound. If I only lose a pound again this week, I'll be thrilled.
Saturday I went to Weight Watchers at the crack of dawn. I had coffee and a sausage McGriddle from McDonalds (a habit I need desperately to break). Then it was back home to get ready for my niece's 3rd birthday party at which Subway sandwiches (not too bad) and cake (bad) would be served. That was fine, it was the leftovers at home that were unhelpful.
Even so, that wouldn't have been a big deal, but then there was my sister's and my joint birthday party (celebrating hers a few weeks late and mine a few weeks early) to contend with. I only had a few beers and a big ass shot one of my friends bought for me, but we also had dinner.
So...anyway, if my day had consisted of only one, maybe even two, of these little blips, it would have been fine. It was a combination of all the factors that really messed me up.
Yesterday, I slept the day away. I don't know why. I certainly wasn't hungover and I felt okay, I just could not stay awake. My mom and sister felt the same way so we chalked up to the rainy weather we're having. I also had a really hard time caring about what I ate. I got up so late that I only had coffee for breakfast, ate leftover subway for lunch, had a real Dr. Pepper later in the day along with a little bag of chips, and some mandarin orange chicken and jasmine rice from Trader Joe's for dinner. I put my points in today and it says I'm 6 points under my total for the day, so that was a relief. I ate the chicken leftovers for lunch today and had cereal this morning. No idea what's for dinner.
I feel so beaten down today. Not by the weight loss thing, but just by life. Mostly, maybe because my birthday party made me sad. I invited about 30 of my co-workers and not one of them could be bothered to show up. In fact, one of my closest work friends texted me to tell me that she and her husband got tickets to a show instead. Why even bother telling me at all? It just really made me feel like crap. Granted, all my closest friends were there, even one I hadn't seen in about a year, so that was nice. But these are people I work with and I always feel completely on the outskirts of the "group" at work. Like people tolerate me, but mostly find me annoying. And that just kind of reaffirmed that feeling for me. Whether it's true or not.
And tomorrow night is a send off for my outgoing principal and a welcome for the new principal. I'm not going. I can't face those people. I can't even begin to describe how being around them makes me feel. Like I'm not a real person, like I don't measure up, like no one really gives a shit about me. And certainly like none of them know me at all. Which, to be honest, they really don't, despite having worked there for 8 years.
I desperately care what people think of me. I really wish I didn't. My ex used to get so pissed off at me about that. But I can't just turn it off.
In fact, Saturday, after all was said and done, I'd consumed in excess of 130 Points Plus and needless to say, had completely devoured (pun intended) any weekly points I would have had for the week.
My weigh-in on Saturday was less than stellar. Down one pound to 343.4. However, I will take that one pound. If I only lose a pound again this week, I'll be thrilled.
Saturday I went to Weight Watchers at the crack of dawn. I had coffee and a sausage McGriddle from McDonalds (a habit I need desperately to break). Then it was back home to get ready for my niece's 3rd birthday party at which Subway sandwiches (not too bad) and cake (bad) would be served. That was fine, it was the leftovers at home that were unhelpful.
Even so, that wouldn't have been a big deal, but then there was my sister's and my joint birthday party (celebrating hers a few weeks late and mine a few weeks early) to contend with. I only had a few beers and a big ass shot one of my friends bought for me, but we also had dinner.
So...anyway, if my day had consisted of only one, maybe even two, of these little blips, it would have been fine. It was a combination of all the factors that really messed me up.
Yesterday, I slept the day away. I don't know why. I certainly wasn't hungover and I felt okay, I just could not stay awake. My mom and sister felt the same way so we chalked up to the rainy weather we're having. I also had a really hard time caring about what I ate. I got up so late that I only had coffee for breakfast, ate leftover subway for lunch, had a real Dr. Pepper later in the day along with a little bag of chips, and some mandarin orange chicken and jasmine rice from Trader Joe's for dinner. I put my points in today and it says I'm 6 points under my total for the day, so that was a relief. I ate the chicken leftovers for lunch today and had cereal this morning. No idea what's for dinner.
I feel so beaten down today. Not by the weight loss thing, but just by life. Mostly, maybe because my birthday party made me sad. I invited about 30 of my co-workers and not one of them could be bothered to show up. In fact, one of my closest work friends texted me to tell me that she and her husband got tickets to a show instead. Why even bother telling me at all? It just really made me feel like crap. Granted, all my closest friends were there, even one I hadn't seen in about a year, so that was nice. But these are people I work with and I always feel completely on the outskirts of the "group" at work. Like people tolerate me, but mostly find me annoying. And that just kind of reaffirmed that feeling for me. Whether it's true or not.
And tomorrow night is a send off for my outgoing principal and a welcome for the new principal. I'm not going. I can't face those people. I can't even begin to describe how being around them makes me feel. Like I'm not a real person, like I don't measure up, like no one really gives a shit about me. And certainly like none of them know me at all. Which, to be honest, they really don't, despite having worked there for 8 years.
I desperately care what people think of me. I really wish I didn't. My ex used to get so pissed off at me about that. But I can't just turn it off.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
If It's Not Nailed Down...
...then today I've eaten it.
I was supposed to go to a family birthday party, but a headache kept me at home. I've also decided to be all down in the dumps over my ex and have been bored out of my skull to boot, so my mood is at a low point. I am NOT in a happy place!
This morning, I did my usual cereal and coffee breakfast as I took in some Nerdist and Orphan Black that I had DVRed last night. No problem. Then somehow, I slipped some peanut butter pretzels WITH cookie butter in for "snack". Okay, I counted them out, I can track it...still not a huge deal.
Then I walked by the pb pretzels and cookie butter a bit later. Now we are at a standing-in-the- kitchen-and-dipping-said-pretzels-into-the-cookie-butter-and-eating-them-right-there place.
Me: Oh, is this really happening?
My Inner Food Demon: Hell, yeah, it is.
Me: Oh, okay. But now it's time to knock it off.
Food Demon: Shucks.
That was followed up at some point by 6 (2 servings) of the Trader Joe's milk chocolate peanut butter cups that should never have found their way into my cart on Friday night.
Lunch - hell, some frozen pastry bites sound like a good idea. And they were DELICIOUS. Until just a short while ago when I found out I consumed 19 points eating those little puppies.
My sister made a Braum's run for her lunch. For those of you are not Texans (I think Braum's only exists in Texas) and unfamiliar with the atrocity of delicious sin that is Braum's, it's like a Dairy Queen, but loftier. Slightly.
Food Demon: Fro yo?
Me: Don't mind if I do!
Weight Watchers Tracker: That will be 12 Points Plus. Please and thank you.
So it's now 4:50 PM. I have consumed every last one of my daily PP and have only 10 weekly PP remaining. I have tracked everything I've eaten. And that is all. Binge over. Back on the wagon.
I was supposed to go to a family birthday party, but a headache kept me at home. I've also decided to be all down in the dumps over my ex and have been bored out of my skull to boot, so my mood is at a low point. I am NOT in a happy place!
This morning, I did my usual cereal and coffee breakfast as I took in some Nerdist and Orphan Black that I had DVRed last night. No problem. Then somehow, I slipped some peanut butter pretzels WITH cookie butter in for "snack". Okay, I counted them out, I can track it...still not a huge deal.
Then I walked by the pb pretzels and cookie butter a bit later. Now we are at a standing-in-the- kitchen-and-dipping-said-pretzels-into-the-cookie-butter-and-eating-them-right-there place.
Me: Oh, is this really happening?
My Inner Food Demon: Hell, yeah, it is.
Me: Oh, okay. But now it's time to knock it off.
Food Demon: Shucks.
That was followed up at some point by 6 (2 servings) of the Trader Joe's milk chocolate peanut butter cups that should never have found their way into my cart on Friday night.
Lunch - hell, some frozen pastry bites sound like a good idea. And they were DELICIOUS. Until just a short while ago when I found out I consumed 19 points eating those little puppies.
My sister made a Braum's run for her lunch. For those of you are not Texans (I think Braum's only exists in Texas) and unfamiliar with the atrocity of delicious sin that is Braum's, it's like a Dairy Queen, but loftier. Slightly.
Food Demon: Fro yo?
Me: Don't mind if I do!
Weight Watchers Tracker: That will be 12 Points Plus. Please and thank you.
So it's now 4:50 PM. I have consumed every last one of my daily PP and have only 10 weekly PP remaining. I have tracked everything I've eaten. And that is all. Binge over. Back on the wagon.
Monday, December 10, 2012
You Must Do...
My favorite quote in the world comes from Eleanor Roosevelt: "You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
I'm forcing myself to post tonight precisely because I don't want to. I don't want to post again saying that I had another failure of a day and that I honestly do not know how to dig myself out of this hole. I'm so exhausted from fighting and thinking about it that I don't even know what else to say. When does it get to the point where I stop thinking so much and just do?
I'm a scrapbooker and there's a class out there called "One Little Word". I don't know anything about it really other than the idea is you have one word for the new year. One word to describe your hopes and dreams for the upcoming year. This got me to thinking. If I could choose just one word to encompass all that I desire for my life, what would it be? I decided on "peace". Peace with my body. Peace with food. Peace with my finances. Peace in all my relationships. Peace with my job. Peace with my surroundings. Peace with my current place in life at right this moment. That's all I want. Peace. I don't want constant insanity flowing through my mind. I feel so out of control. I feel so much like I've just let life pass me by. My youth is fading fast. I don't want to lose another minute.
So I have to start now. But...how?
I'm forcing myself to post tonight precisely because I don't want to. I don't want to post again saying that I had another failure of a day and that I honestly do not know how to dig myself out of this hole. I'm so exhausted from fighting and thinking about it that I don't even know what else to say. When does it get to the point where I stop thinking so much and just do?
I'm a scrapbooker and there's a class out there called "One Little Word". I don't know anything about it really other than the idea is you have one word for the new year. One word to describe your hopes and dreams for the upcoming year. This got me to thinking. If I could choose just one word to encompass all that I desire for my life, what would it be? I decided on "peace". Peace with my body. Peace with food. Peace with my finances. Peace in all my relationships. Peace with my job. Peace with my surroundings. Peace with my current place in life at right this moment. That's all I want. Peace. I don't want constant insanity flowing through my mind. I feel so out of control. I feel so much like I've just let life pass me by. My youth is fading fast. I don't want to lose another minute.
So I have to start now. But...how?
Sunday, December 9, 2012
The Holidays
I live in a house with 3 other adults and a 2 year old. And it's December. Which in my family means food and lots of it. Christmas cookies, Christmas cakes and candies. Thick, heavy soups and stews and meats. Add to that my constant weening motivation and you have a Holiday Recipe for DISASTER.
I don't know how, but despite two weeks of gaining, I'm not giving up. It feels like such a joke to even type those words: I'm not giving up. The truth is, I feel like I have already. And I did think to myself for about ten seconds this afternoon, "It's time to surrender. You can try again after the holidays are over."
I don't know how to convey to anyone this hold that food has on me. How it pulls me into it's embrace and won't let go no matter how hard I kick and scream and beg. I do beg. I beg on a daily basis to be free of its grip. I wonder often why this is the battle I was given in my life. I mourn for the years I've lost. I've let them flit by as I have just wafted through this little life of mine, never really seizing anything - never really feeling like I'm living. Always feeling that I'm somehow less than human because of my size. That when references are made to "women", I'm not among those counted.
So, while I don't know how to get through the holidays without gaining, let alone while actually losing...some part of me doesn't know how to let it all go either and to throw in the towel. Tomorrow is a new day. And the next another new day. And the next and the next after that.
I don't know how, but despite two weeks of gaining, I'm not giving up. It feels like such a joke to even type those words: I'm not giving up. The truth is, I feel like I have already. And I did think to myself for about ten seconds this afternoon, "It's time to surrender. You can try again after the holidays are over."
I don't know how to convey to anyone this hold that food has on me. How it pulls me into it's embrace and won't let go no matter how hard I kick and scream and beg. I do beg. I beg on a daily basis to be free of its grip. I wonder often why this is the battle I was given in my life. I mourn for the years I've lost. I've let them flit by as I have just wafted through this little life of mine, never really seizing anything - never really feeling like I'm living. Always feeling that I'm somehow less than human because of my size. That when references are made to "women", I'm not among those counted.
So, while I don't know how to get through the holidays without gaining, let alone while actually losing...some part of me doesn't know how to let it all go either and to throw in the towel. Tomorrow is a new day. And the next another new day. And the next and the next after that.
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