So after several weeks of planning and all day shopping today (and spending an exorbitant amount of money), tomorrow I'm starting my new "diet". I hate the word diet, but honestly I can't think of a better word for it.
I have tomorrow night's dinner marinating and have my lunch packed up for tomorrow and every morsel I intend to eat is already tracked in my Weight Watchers' tracker.
I have been so looking forward to this and now I find myself feeling a bit indifferent. Probably from the stress of the day. Probably a little also from nerves and the question of "will I fail yet again?" running through my head.
I don't think I have a choice but to succeed this time...
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Well!
So, I disappeared for a couple of months....
When last we spoke, I was having some crazy ass sciatica issues. Well, in the midst of all that, I met someone and started a new relationship and also started back to work teaching my little third graders. The week I went back to work was the worst with the pain. My sister and my new girlfriend conspired against me as I was at Meet the Teacher Night (in tears, mind you, because I couldn't pick anything up in my room, my room was a mess, and I was about to be bombarded by 37 sets of parents and their children, not to mention the fact I hadn't slept properly in a month and was in searing pain.) and talked me into going to the ER. My co-workers also saw the state I was in and strongly encouraged the move as well. So, fortunately, I did go to the ER, had a great ER doctor, and got some much needed steroids would seriously helped me. I haven't had the same level of pain since (this was almost 2 months ago now) and feel almost human again at this point.
I later went to my GP and she recommended talking to a surgeon, which I flat out refused because of all the horror stories I've heard relating to back surgery for sciatica. She got a little miffy with me, but we talked about pain management which I was all for at the time, but I haven't followed up on that, because my pain level just isn't high enough for it to make it worthwhile to me at the moment. Today, for instance, I'm going on Day 3 of not taking any kind of pain medication or anti-inflammatory medication. My pain level is maybe at a 2 or 3 at the worst, but it generally stays around a 1 or 2 and is even at 0 lately. Which is fantastic, of course!
So anyway...I bore you with my old lady pain stories to tell you this...I have gained probably 20 pounds and weigh more than ever. I just haven't cared. I haven't exercised and I've eaten whatever the hell I want. I'm ready to get back to healthy eating and for the past few weeks have been planning (I have to wait for payday to fully implement, which will occur on Saturday). Andi over at Can You Stay For Dinner has been posting weekly updates for the past several months about putting her mom on a diet. I have to say I find it incredibly inspiring and have started a little notebook with the meals she's been eating and have already made a grocery list for my first week. Everything looks pretty straightforward, simple, and definitely tasty. So, I'm going to be following what her mom's been eating pretty closely and I'm really excited.
I also recently started wearing my Weight Watchers Activlink monitor again and my lofty goal is to hit 1 activity point a day. After over 2 months of pretty much sitting all the time, I think this is pretty reasonable. I intend to start incorporating 5 minutes of scheduled movement into my days. I've noticed the more I walk, the more my leg starts to bother me. I learned from my GP visit that I've probably herniated another disc higher in my back because I do have some weakness in my left leg. During the worst of the sciatica, I had a burning sensation in my hip when I would walk any length of time, probably from overcompensation. So, I do need to be careful and ease my way back into activity.
I'm considering rejoining Weight Watchers meetings with my new plan, but I think I may just do the online for the time being. I fully intend to track my points because when I do and I stick with it, I get great results. Also, the plan on Andi's blog is geared toward a woman who weighs significantly less than me, so I'll be incorporating some additional healthy points into my days to bring the total up where it needs to be for my current weight.
I'm super looking forward to this. I need to get the fridge cleaned out this week before heading to the store.
Thanks for stopping by!
When last we spoke, I was having some crazy ass sciatica issues. Well, in the midst of all that, I met someone and started a new relationship and also started back to work teaching my little third graders. The week I went back to work was the worst with the pain. My sister and my new girlfriend conspired against me as I was at Meet the Teacher Night (in tears, mind you, because I couldn't pick anything up in my room, my room was a mess, and I was about to be bombarded by 37 sets of parents and their children, not to mention the fact I hadn't slept properly in a month and was in searing pain.) and talked me into going to the ER. My co-workers also saw the state I was in and strongly encouraged the move as well. So, fortunately, I did go to the ER, had a great ER doctor, and got some much needed steroids would seriously helped me. I haven't had the same level of pain since (this was almost 2 months ago now) and feel almost human again at this point.
I later went to my GP and she recommended talking to a surgeon, which I flat out refused because of all the horror stories I've heard relating to back surgery for sciatica. She got a little miffy with me, but we talked about pain management which I was all for at the time, but I haven't followed up on that, because my pain level just isn't high enough for it to make it worthwhile to me at the moment. Today, for instance, I'm going on Day 3 of not taking any kind of pain medication or anti-inflammatory medication. My pain level is maybe at a 2 or 3 at the worst, but it generally stays around a 1 or 2 and is even at 0 lately. Which is fantastic, of course!
So anyway...I bore you with my old lady pain stories to tell you this...I have gained probably 20 pounds and weigh more than ever. I just haven't cared. I haven't exercised and I've eaten whatever the hell I want. I'm ready to get back to healthy eating and for the past few weeks have been planning (I have to wait for payday to fully implement, which will occur on Saturday). Andi over at Can You Stay For Dinner has been posting weekly updates for the past several months about putting her mom on a diet. I have to say I find it incredibly inspiring and have started a little notebook with the meals she's been eating and have already made a grocery list for my first week. Everything looks pretty straightforward, simple, and definitely tasty. So, I'm going to be following what her mom's been eating pretty closely and I'm really excited.
I also recently started wearing my Weight Watchers Activlink monitor again and my lofty goal is to hit 1 activity point a day. After over 2 months of pretty much sitting all the time, I think this is pretty reasonable. I intend to start incorporating 5 minutes of scheduled movement into my days. I've noticed the more I walk, the more my leg starts to bother me. I learned from my GP visit that I've probably herniated another disc higher in my back because I do have some weakness in my left leg. During the worst of the sciatica, I had a burning sensation in my hip when I would walk any length of time, probably from overcompensation. So, I do need to be careful and ease my way back into activity.
I'm considering rejoining Weight Watchers meetings with my new plan, but I think I may just do the online for the time being. I fully intend to track my points because when I do and I stick with it, I get great results. Also, the plan on Andi's blog is geared toward a woman who weighs significantly less than me, so I'll be incorporating some additional healthy points into my days to bring the total up where it needs to be for my current weight.
I'm super looking forward to this. I need to get the fridge cleaned out this week before heading to the store.
Thanks for stopping by!
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Chronic Pain
Those of us who deal with chronic pain in any of its forms know that chronic pain is a bitch.
I think I've mentioned here before that about 4 years ago, I injured my back. It wasn't anything big or dramatic that caused it either. I'm sure it was a bunch of small things and not lifting things properly for years, but it all went to hell when I lifted a carton of water to move it from one car to another. I instantly felt really bad pain and had a hard time sitting. I'd wake up in the morning screaming from the pain, while I tried to sit on the edge of my bed and stand up. It gradually subsided over the next few weeks, but returned in the form on really bad leg pain about a month later.
The irony of all this was that I had over the previous 4 years lost almost 100 pounds. I was working out -walking and running and doing some strength training - almost everyday.
I finally, FINALLY took myself to the doctor, had xrays, and an MRI to confirm what I already knew - this was sciatica. And it was caused by two herniated discs in my lower back, though I couldn't tell you now specifically which ones. Dealing with this condition was very nearly hell. Somedays I would have some relief and others were just agony. I started physical therapy where my PT did all sorts of crazy things to try and help bring me relief - traction, electrotherapy, stretches. And during this time, I was in so much pain that I just gave up. The weight I'd worked so hard to lose came back on - 50 pounds of it.
After about a year, the pain subsided pretty much completely with just an occassional twinge. I wondered sometimes if the pain really had gone away or if I had just gotten so used to it I no longer noticed it.
I can tell you now that it really had gone away, because I seem to have re-injured myself or injured myself all over again in a new way, because the pain I'm experiencing this past week and a half is UNBEARABLE.
I do not sleep at night for more than an hour and fifteen minutes at a time. If I lie on my right side, which is the side not affected by sciatica, when it's time to wake up/sit up/go to the bathroom/whatever, sitting up and standing up is akin to something I have no words to describe. It's the most horrible, excrutiating, screaming pain I've ever experienced. I hobble across the house to the bathroom like I am 150 years old, taking little shuffling, scooting steps, gasping for breath through the pain.
The good news is it does get gradually better over the course of the night. I still only sleep for about an hour at time, but I've noticed the past 2 or 3 nights I've started having dreams again, which is a good sign I'm getting deeper rest. Whenever I do wake up, 99% of the time, I pull myself out of bed to go to the bathroom. I think this has to do with stress. I think the stress of the pain at night makes my body have to pee. lol TMI, perhaps?
The past couple of nights, I've started keeping a written record of my sleep. I'll record the time I woke up and the approximate time I last fell asleep. I'll record my pain level and which side I sleep on (sleeping on my left is virtually impossible - I can't fall asleep that way because of the weight on my sciatic leg). And I have been averaging just over an hour of sleep at a time, usually going back to sleep within 15-20 minutes. Not very restful at all.
I bought a body pillow last week and have been using that between my knees instead of a standard pillow - doesn't seem to help much. I take Ibuprofen at such levels that my liver is sure to go into failure by the time I'm 40. I also invested in a sleep aid called Legatrin, which is a combination of Acetaminophen and some sort of sleep substance. It's advertised as helping leg and lower back pain. It lies. But it does make me drowsy. I've also taken some naproxen here and there. Nothing much seems to help.
I ice my back and heating pad my butt and leg frequently. I even tried putting icy hot all over my leg last night just to see what would happen. It burned my flesh so good that it did kinda make me forget about the sciatica for a short while.
I've also resorted to a trick a coworker told me about when I had my first bout of sciatica four years ago. When sitting in a chair, sit with a book under your sciatica side. And oddly, I feel like that's what cured me the first time. And it really does bring some relief, I think because of how it angles your spine to where you are compressing those herniated discs back into place and away from your sciatic nerve. It doesn't always work and you have to give it a good 10-20 minutes before feeling any relief some of the times when it does work.
I say ALLLLLLLL that to say this - I have zero doubt that losing weight would alleviate a lot of my pain. I feel so completely paralyzed and helpless when I am in this state. I have not been eating well and as my mom told me she thought I was doing all those years ago, I've been eating my pain to some extent. What will happen if I continue to do so is that I will way 400 pounds in the blink of an eye and things will just get worse and worse.
So, I'm trying very hard to make good choices. I'm going to try my damndest to gently workout along with Leslie Sansonne today and tomorrow I'm calling the doctor and making an appointment for ASAP. I'm just very concerned about having to have another MRI, because I'm doubting my ability to be able to get up off the bed of that thing after lying there on my back for half an hour.
That's my rant for today.
I think I've mentioned here before that about 4 years ago, I injured my back. It wasn't anything big or dramatic that caused it either. I'm sure it was a bunch of small things and not lifting things properly for years, but it all went to hell when I lifted a carton of water to move it from one car to another. I instantly felt really bad pain and had a hard time sitting. I'd wake up in the morning screaming from the pain, while I tried to sit on the edge of my bed and stand up. It gradually subsided over the next few weeks, but returned in the form on really bad leg pain about a month later.
The irony of all this was that I had over the previous 4 years lost almost 100 pounds. I was working out -walking and running and doing some strength training - almost everyday.
I finally, FINALLY took myself to the doctor, had xrays, and an MRI to confirm what I already knew - this was sciatica. And it was caused by two herniated discs in my lower back, though I couldn't tell you now specifically which ones. Dealing with this condition was very nearly hell. Somedays I would have some relief and others were just agony. I started physical therapy where my PT did all sorts of crazy things to try and help bring me relief - traction, electrotherapy, stretches. And during this time, I was in so much pain that I just gave up. The weight I'd worked so hard to lose came back on - 50 pounds of it.
After about a year, the pain subsided pretty much completely with just an occassional twinge. I wondered sometimes if the pain really had gone away or if I had just gotten so used to it I no longer noticed it.
I can tell you now that it really had gone away, because I seem to have re-injured myself or injured myself all over again in a new way, because the pain I'm experiencing this past week and a half is UNBEARABLE.
I do not sleep at night for more than an hour and fifteen minutes at a time. If I lie on my right side, which is the side not affected by sciatica, when it's time to wake up/sit up/go to the bathroom/whatever, sitting up and standing up is akin to something I have no words to describe. It's the most horrible, excrutiating, screaming pain I've ever experienced. I hobble across the house to the bathroom like I am 150 years old, taking little shuffling, scooting steps, gasping for breath through the pain.
The good news is it does get gradually better over the course of the night. I still only sleep for about an hour at time, but I've noticed the past 2 or 3 nights I've started having dreams again, which is a good sign I'm getting deeper rest. Whenever I do wake up, 99% of the time, I pull myself out of bed to go to the bathroom. I think this has to do with stress. I think the stress of the pain at night makes my body have to pee. lol TMI, perhaps?
The past couple of nights, I've started keeping a written record of my sleep. I'll record the time I woke up and the approximate time I last fell asleep. I'll record my pain level and which side I sleep on (sleeping on my left is virtually impossible - I can't fall asleep that way because of the weight on my sciatic leg). And I have been averaging just over an hour of sleep at a time, usually going back to sleep within 15-20 minutes. Not very restful at all.
I bought a body pillow last week and have been using that between my knees instead of a standard pillow - doesn't seem to help much. I take Ibuprofen at such levels that my liver is sure to go into failure by the time I'm 40. I also invested in a sleep aid called Legatrin, which is a combination of Acetaminophen and some sort of sleep substance. It's advertised as helping leg and lower back pain. It lies. But it does make me drowsy. I've also taken some naproxen here and there. Nothing much seems to help.
I ice my back and heating pad my butt and leg frequently. I even tried putting icy hot all over my leg last night just to see what would happen. It burned my flesh so good that it did kinda make me forget about the sciatica for a short while.
I've also resorted to a trick a coworker told me about when I had my first bout of sciatica four years ago. When sitting in a chair, sit with a book under your sciatica side. And oddly, I feel like that's what cured me the first time. And it really does bring some relief, I think because of how it angles your spine to where you are compressing those herniated discs back into place and away from your sciatic nerve. It doesn't always work and you have to give it a good 10-20 minutes before feeling any relief some of the times when it does work.
I say ALLLLLLLL that to say this - I have zero doubt that losing weight would alleviate a lot of my pain. I feel so completely paralyzed and helpless when I am in this state. I have not been eating well and as my mom told me she thought I was doing all those years ago, I've been eating my pain to some extent. What will happen if I continue to do so is that I will way 400 pounds in the blink of an eye and things will just get worse and worse.
So, I'm trying very hard to make good choices. I'm going to try my damndest to gently workout along with Leslie Sansonne today and tomorrow I'm calling the doctor and making an appointment for ASAP. I'm just very concerned about having to have another MRI, because I'm doubting my ability to be able to get up off the bed of that thing after lying there on my back for half an hour.
That's my rant for today.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
The Lure of the Cookie
I love chocolate chip cookies. If I could eat only one food for the rest of my life, that would probably be it. I mean...really. I really, really love them. Maybe someday human-cookie marriage will be legalized and I'll be at the front of that line - a homemade chocolate chip cookie in hand, it's chocolate chips melting into the warmth of my palm.
Okay, perhaps that's taking it a bit too far....
So last night, after having planned my whole day (and having thrown in a couple of snacks too, that I did track, thank you very much), I decided I NEEDED...needed...a Diet Coke from McDonalds. Off I went to collect it, thinking to myself that some McDonald's chocolate chip cookies sounded MIGHTY tasty and that all my hard work for the day be damned, that's what I was going to eat.
Well to make a long, semi-complicated story short - I did not get the cookies. I talked myself off that ledge and finished strong yesterday. I stayed under my points with 2 to spare. I sat down and planned today out just like I did the night before and I went to bed.
It's just good to know that I have that strength deep down inside...that the will to do this is still pretty damn strong.
Just have to take it all as it comes, one day at a time.
Okay, perhaps that's taking it a bit too far....
So last night, after having planned my whole day (and having thrown in a couple of snacks too, that I did track, thank you very much), I decided I NEEDED...needed...a Diet Coke from McDonalds. Off I went to collect it, thinking to myself that some McDonald's chocolate chip cookies sounded MIGHTY tasty and that all my hard work for the day be damned, that's what I was going to eat.
Well to make a long, semi-complicated story short - I did not get the cookies. I talked myself off that ledge and finished strong yesterday. I stayed under my points with 2 to spare. I sat down and planned today out just like I did the night before and I went to bed.
It's just good to know that I have that strength deep down inside...that the will to do this is still pretty damn strong.
Just have to take it all as it comes, one day at a time.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Hitting a Wall
Heather from the Half Size Me podcast accompanied me via my headphones on my walk today. She just doesn't know it. I started listening to Episode 28 and she talks about hitting a wall, whether it be a certain number of pounds lost or an amount of time or whatever it is that stops you dead in your tracks during your weight loss journey.
I realized that I've been doing this for several weeks. I have not been perfect and still have a hell of a long way to go. However, the past few years have had so many ups and downs in regards to my weight. Usually it takes about 2-4 weeks for me to hit that wall. I'll throw in the towel completely: stop exercising and start the vicious cycle of binging and not giving a flip (tossed with some good portions of self-guilt and beating myself up).
I've "fallen off" a few times over the past several weeks, but I still keep picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on that horse. It gave me such a sense of elation to realize that today. I've had 4 horrible eat everything in sight days and last night, I sat down and planned out my entire day in my Weight Watchers tracker. I haven't felt the slightest bit of a nudge towards straying from it either. I've had breakfast and lunch and dinner is already simmering away in the crockpot. And I've already done my walk today.
I can do this.
I will do this.
Last night, as I was folding laundry, I remember thinking to myself - this is no big deal. This is just a little blip in the rest of your life. This is forever. It's fine.
Notice there was no self-degradation, no loud exclamations of "I am a failure!" No. Only acceptance of myself and the will to move on to the next thing.
I feel amazing.
I realized that I've been doing this for several weeks. I have not been perfect and still have a hell of a long way to go. However, the past few years have had so many ups and downs in regards to my weight. Usually it takes about 2-4 weeks for me to hit that wall. I'll throw in the towel completely: stop exercising and start the vicious cycle of binging and not giving a flip (tossed with some good portions of self-guilt and beating myself up).
I've "fallen off" a few times over the past several weeks, but I still keep picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on that horse. It gave me such a sense of elation to realize that today. I've had 4 horrible eat everything in sight days and last night, I sat down and planned out my entire day in my Weight Watchers tracker. I haven't felt the slightest bit of a nudge towards straying from it either. I've had breakfast and lunch and dinner is already simmering away in the crockpot. And I've already done my walk today.
I can do this.
I will do this.
Last night, as I was folding laundry, I remember thinking to myself - this is no big deal. This is just a little blip in the rest of your life. This is forever. It's fine.
Notice there was no self-degradation, no loud exclamations of "I am a failure!" No. Only acceptance of myself and the will to move on to the next thing.
I feel amazing.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Random Facts
Here is a random list of facts about me:
*I'm obsessed with Mickey Mouse and Walt Disney World.
*I have severe anxiety issues.
*I love my three year old niece as if she was my own child. In fact, sometimes I forget she's not actually my daughter.
*I want to have a big, girly lesbian wedding with the girl of my dreams (who as far as I can tell, does not exist).
*In addition to my obsession with Mickey & Disney, I'm also very obsessed with pin-up modeling (looking at, not doing...puhlease), 1940s and 1950s fashion and hair styles, and big band, swing, and rockabilly music.
*This fast-approaching school year will be my 9th year as a teacher.
*I turn 38 in two weeks.
*I want children and can feel my biological clock tick, tick, ticking away faster and faster by the second...and I'm not really sure what to do about that at this exact point in time.
*I was named after my grandmother, my great aunt, and my mom.
*Even though I call myself a lesbian, I still find myself attracted to men from time to time.
*I love spending time outdoors, even if it's only to sit on the back porch with a Diet Coke and a book.
*I have a dog - she's a yellow lab mix and my anxiety kicks into overdrive anytime I have to take her to the vet, because she's a holy terror. Not in a loveable, wacky sort of way - like a demon from hell sort of way.
*I'm both terrified and excitedly hopeful about the future.
*I start a ton of projects with great passion and very seldom see them through.
*I am constantly overwhelmed by all my interests and all the things I want to do to the point that it usually paralyzes me and keeps me from getting anything done at all!
*I'm obsessed with Mickey Mouse and Walt Disney World.
*I have severe anxiety issues.
*I love my three year old niece as if she was my own child. In fact, sometimes I forget she's not actually my daughter.
*I want to have a big, girly lesbian wedding with the girl of my dreams (who as far as I can tell, does not exist).
*In addition to my obsession with Mickey & Disney, I'm also very obsessed with pin-up modeling (looking at, not doing...puhlease), 1940s and 1950s fashion and hair styles, and big band, swing, and rockabilly music.
*This fast-approaching school year will be my 9th year as a teacher.
*I turn 38 in two weeks.
*I want children and can feel my biological clock tick, tick, ticking away faster and faster by the second...and I'm not really sure what to do about that at this exact point in time.
*I was named after my grandmother, my great aunt, and my mom.
*Even though I call myself a lesbian, I still find myself attracted to men from time to time.
*I love spending time outdoors, even if it's only to sit on the back porch with a Diet Coke and a book.
*I have a dog - she's a yellow lab mix and my anxiety kicks into overdrive anytime I have to take her to the vet, because she's a holy terror. Not in a loveable, wacky sort of way - like a demon from hell sort of way.
*I'm both terrified and excitedly hopeful about the future.
*I start a ton of projects with great passion and very seldom see them through.
*I am constantly overwhelmed by all my interests and all the things I want to do to the point that it usually paralyzes me and keeps me from getting anything done at all!
Ugh. Just Ugh.
I'm having a really hard time caring about anything today. I think a big part of that comes from having the summer-time doldrums. I have about 2 1/2 weeks left of break before heading back to work and I have very mixed emotions about it.
I deal with a TON of anxiety about little day-to-day things, so thinking about the new school year starting is really freaking me out. There's so much to do. Then there's the fact that I have to deal with people when I get back to work. I think I was born to be a hermit. But at the same time, I HATE being that way. I wish I was more of a social creature. But then when I'm out and about, I'm stressing out and having panic attacks about having to even look at other people, let alone interact with them. I love my alone time. In fact, I think that was the cause of the downfall of my last relationship. I just wanted to be left alone. All the time.
It's not like I'm doing anything totally amazing when I'm alone. I just like being alone.
I feel like there are a bunch of emotions I need to sort out right now. But...I can't pinpoint any of them. And I have zero energy to even try right now.
So, my plan for today - refocus on tracking, go on my walking challenge walk, and make smart food choices. So far, so good.
I deal with a TON of anxiety about little day-to-day things, so thinking about the new school year starting is really freaking me out. There's so much to do. Then there's the fact that I have to deal with people when I get back to work. I think I was born to be a hermit. But at the same time, I HATE being that way. I wish I was more of a social creature. But then when I'm out and about, I'm stressing out and having panic attacks about having to even look at other people, let alone interact with them. I love my alone time. In fact, I think that was the cause of the downfall of my last relationship. I just wanted to be left alone. All the time.
It's not like I'm doing anything totally amazing when I'm alone. I just like being alone.
I feel like there are a bunch of emotions I need to sort out right now. But...I can't pinpoint any of them. And I have zero energy to even try right now.
So, my plan for today - refocus on tracking, go on my walking challenge walk, and make smart food choices. So far, so good.
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