Success!

I attended my WW meeting on Wednesday and was shocked to find I'd lost 1.8 lbs.  This was just the motivation I needed to keep me going.  I've done very well these past two and a half days and feel positive I will see another loss on next Wednesday.

Meanwhile, I'm pretty much keeping to myself.  I think I've had enough relationship drama for one week (or month, or lifetime...).  I've renewed my commitment to being single for a good while to come.  If someone spectacular falls into my lap, great.  Otherwise, there will be no pursuing of relationships from me for at least the next year.  That should give me plenty of time to focus on me, my health, my weight loss, my upcoming move, and the potential of looking into getting preggers later next year (more on that at a later date).

Back to Weight Watchers

I'm about to head out to my meeting the week.  I did really well for a couple of days, then helped my sister move and stayed at her new apartment for a few days and it was like a switch was flipped off.  I can eat whatever I want, because I'm not home and it doesn't count.  But it does count, doesn't it?

Is this ever going to end?  Am I ever going to be in a place where I care about my health and well-being enough that I don't allow food and laziness and complacency to come first?

I'm starting to doubt I ever will.

Yesterday was a crazy day.  I've been talking to this girl and lo' and behold, she not only suddenly has a new girlfriend, but she'd been lying to me about the state of her "relationship" with a mutual friend of ours.  I will know from here on out to trust my instincts, because I knew something was off with her from the get-go.  In addition to that, the aforementioned ex that I haven't spoken to in 6 years contacted me via Facebook and we spent the better part of the day in a back and forth conversation.  I followed that up with a phone call from ANOTHER ex who proceeded to tell me that I am "lesbian crack".  Nice!

In any event, all of these things together made me really depressed and really questioning whether or not I will be single for the rest of my life.  A friend reminded me that it's all a rollercoaster.  One day we're up, another day we're down waiting to be back up again.  And he was really right.  I'm feeling pretty positive and not worried about any of it so much today.

I just want to try and focus on myself today.

For today I can make good food choices.  For today I can get in some exercise.  If only for today.

An Assortment of Random Food Pictures From the Past Several Days

Grocery Shopping a la Weight Watchers' Simple Start 

Breakfast Pizzas Pre-Oven (one egg scrambled, on a light English muffin, topped with tomato slices and 1/3 cup shredded cheese...YUM!)

Breakfast Pizzas on a Plate

Greek Salad and Greek Yogurt with Strawberries - AKA the meal that made me realize I can't do this Simple Start shizz.  I need flavor in my life.  Hello again, Points Tracking.

Exes and Motivation Part II

So my first stop back on "The Road to Healthy Inspired by J" was Weight Watchers.  I've still been paying for the monthly pass.  When I went back in March, I went to a daytime meeting as it was during my spring break.  I fell in love with the leader.  So, I went back to the same meeting.  Thankfully the same leader was there and she even remembered me.  That's how amazing this lady is.  I honestly could cry thinking about it.

I've been through many, many, MANY Weight Watchers leaders.  Most of them have been wonderful.  Some of them have just been...meh.  This woman is like the Grand Supreme Amazing Goddess Leader to end all leaders.

She greets you the moment you walk in and makes you feel like an old friend.  She doesn't just say, "Hi, how are you?  Did you have a good week?"  Oh, no.  She asks questions about who YOU are, what makes you tick, what you are struggling with.   It's not something I am able to articulate incredibly well, but her personality is amazing.  It makes my heart hurt that in just a few short weeks, I won't be able to attend her meeting anymore except during breaks.

I left that meeting feeling so inspired and listened to.

To top that off, this woman with striking blue eyes, a really smart suit, and adorable vintage-y hair stopped me after the meeting and asked me if I get told all the time that I look like Vivian Leigh.  She then proceeded to tell me how beautiful I am.  We introduced ourselves, shook hands, and asked if we would both be coming back to the same meeting next week.  This has NEVER happened to me in all my years and years of Weight Watchers.  Did I just make my very first WW friend???

For more inspiration, I took my niece with me to my friend's pool party.  It ended up only being a few ladies I know from work, which was fine by me.  I had not intended to go to a pool party when I left the house and live so far away from the city that going back home to change before going to her place was incredibly unfeasible.  So, I went to the pool in my jeans and quarter length sleeved top.  Me and my 357 pound self.  And of course, they are all in their sexy swimsuits with their normal sized bodies.  I'm glad I went.  I had a good time.  The sunshine did me a lot of good, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel terribly out of place.

However (and there's always a however)....it really did inspire me.  I want to be one of them next summer.  In my bathing suit (probably with some lengthy board shorts on, let's be honest), hanging out in the pool, feeling like a girl instead of like a blob.

Eating wise, I did pretty well that day.

The next day, more inspiration hit.  I needed to update my iTunes playlist with songs that had motivated me in previous years, so I spent about an hour doing that before heading out for a 30 minute walk (in the sweltering Texas heat, no less).

Now...I've been pretty worried about getting back into outdoors walking because this same time last year, I was walking everyday and my back got all kinds of fucked up.  I don't know if the walking was the cause or a catalyst or completely unrelated.  But during my walk, I noticed my back aching in the same way it had last summer.  I'm going to continue to walk and exercise, but I'll keep an eye on it for sure!

I got home and did some gentle yoga poses and stretches to help my back and plan on incorporating this everyday.

The music was a really great motivator and I was kicking myself for not thinking about it before!  I came home sweaty and exhausted, but I felt so amazing.  My mood was boosted tremendously after about a week of feeling pretty depressed.  Sunshine and exercise are such great anti-depressants.

My goal for the next couple of days is to keep walking in the morning followed by stretching and then an indoor video-type workout in the evenings.  The next couple of days will be hard and I'm helping my sister move and unpack and will be staying there with her a day or two, followed by my niece's fourth birthday party!  But I will definitely fit in some fitness whenever I can.

Just a quick post to share this video.  It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of Andi Mitchell's at Can You Stay For Dinner?  I hadn't visited her blog in sometime and came across her TED talk, which was awesome!

Exes and Motivation Part 1

First of all, I will go ahead and get this out of the way:

Guess what, Guys??  I went back to Weight Watchers yesterday.  Again!  Do you ever get tired of seeing me say that?  Because I do.

Anyway....

Today, I'm feeling insanely motivated.  Here's why (go ahead and settle in for a long, boring story) -

My first girlfriend, who probably to this day I still see as the love of my life, and I were together for over nine years.  We broke up probably 15 times, before the break-up actually sticking in the fall of 2008.  I haven't spoken to her since December of that year.  So, roughly 6 years have passed...

A lot has happened to me in that time.  I've had many more failed relationships.  I have lost a ton of weight and gained back all that weight and then some.  I injured my back.  I became an auntie.  I've made new friends.  Facebook happened.

Yeah, Facebook.

This particular ex (let's call her "J" and I were never Facebook friends.  We have no friends in common.  She was never friends with any of my Facebook friends.  Yet, somehow, mysteriously, Facebook decided we were somehow connected and sent me a friend suggestion with her name attached.

The first time this happened was about three years ago.  I was in no way equipped to deal with seeing her photo pop up on my computer screen.  Then, oddly, my sister also received her as a friend suggestion a couple of times around that same time.  And that was it.

Well, the past few weeks, J has been on my mind a lot.  We ended really badly.  I said and did some horrible, shitty things at the end of our relationship.  That's not to say she didn't hurt me too, because she did.  We hurt each other a lot all throughout or relationship, which is why it just didn't work out.  And lo' and behold, Tuesday happens along with the first friend suggestion I've even seen in months.

Yup.  You are correct.  It was J.

I'd been thinking about trying to contact to her for awhile, just to apologize for how things ended, to let her know I wished her well.  So, when I saw her name, that's what I did.  And then I friend requested her.  Seven minutes later, she'd accepted my request.  We still haven't spoken, though.  I don't know if she saw my message or she just doesn't know what to say or just doesn't want to say anything.

However, I think most of you will agree that when an ex you haven't seen or spoken to for several years suddenly makes her or his Facebook profile available to you, you're probably going to do a little creepery stalking.  If you disagree, I am willing to bet you are a big, fat liar!

So, in my stalking I learned several things about this newer, older, probably wiser and more worldly version of J.  She works out.  A lot.  She does 5Ks and other crazy ass events.  She looks great.  She looks happy.  She appears to have a really good job and a really nice place to live.  She has cats (that weirds me out like you wouldn't believe).  And she has apparently taken up swear words, something she used to chastise me for constantly, as I cuss like a sailor and always have.  There were other things, too.  But of course, what struck me is that she, by the looks of it anyway, is at her best.

And I'm just about damn near rock bottom.

Try as I might not to compare myself to her, it's hard.  This is someone I knew and loved for almost a decade.  This is someone I shared my home and my life with for five years.  It's surreal to see how she's changed.  It's like being in a time warp.  And it's exceedingly difficult to know that for all the wonderful things her life appears to be, mine is the polar opposite in just about every way.

I'm so unhappy with this person that I am.  And seeing her look so happy has really inspired me to be the best me I can be.

Happy Easter!

My contribution to the big family Easter meal is roasted asparagus. It's currently roasting in the oven at a cozy 350 degrees F.  I washed three bunches last night, trimmed the ends and marinated them in a gallon storage bag with 3 tbsp Canola oil (we were out of Olive), salt, pepper, probably what amounts to a whole head of garlic and about a tbsp of lemon juice. Total roasting time:  45 minutes, turning once or twice. 

In other news...

I rejoined WW for what I think is the 25th time. Seriously. I did a mental calculation and I believe I have joined Weight Watchers (in person) TWENTY-FIVE times. This doesn't even take into account the times I've signed up just online. 

That was about 6 weeks ago. At last count, I'd lost 11.something pounds. I didn't go to my meeting last Wednesday for two reasons-one being that I had plans with a friend and the other being that the previous weekend had been awful. I have had a really flatout shitty week with food this week, but I'm not letting that stop me. I got up early today and worked out...for only the second time since starting this round of WW. 

One final thought. This blog has been in existence for coming up on two years. All that it has seen has been struggle after struggle with no real victory over my weight. I could allow that to depress the hell out of me. Or I could look at it like this-this fight has been one helluva battle. It's been a war my entire life. And weight has beat me down time and time again. But I keep on getting back up on my feet, ready to attack. 

This war is not over. 

I'm still on the battlefield.

I have not retreated.